Either way, Santa's coming to already in town. Gather round childrens, let me tell you the pagan Christmas story.

Bear with me, as this is a purely imaginative tradition, facts may have been lost in translation (similar to the movie, but I haven't seen the movie before so I can't quantitatively how similar) as it was passed down to me through the generations. By myself. To myself. If things seem a little out of place, just remember, as with all crazy stories, there probably is a moral that nobody remembers at the end.

That was a desperate plea for you to read to the end. Proceeding away now.

At the dawn of time, Santa was given an augmented calendar from monkeys (I think that's what people that don't believe in God believe in), the first Christmas present ever. Every year, the magical calendar would use a complex mathematical algorithm to generate an arbitrary number between two and five. That number would correspond to the number of days removed from the middle of the calendrical year. Think of it like a gigantic sandwich, where you slowly pick off whatever is in the middle, slowly shrinking the sandwich while leaving the outsides intact.

This was all done unbeknowst to Santa, and as December rolled around yearly, Santa starts making appearances in children's dream's and putting up posters of himself everywhere to generate excitement, unaware that his campaign to promote himself was coming earlier and earlier.

I think I better skip to the meaning of the story.

Kids, before you go writing your cute letters to Santa asking for the ponies, the toy trucks, (what is it that kids play with these days, oh yeah) the Tickle-Me-Elmo's, and the super power that you've been wanting all year, just remember, SANTA'S A FIGMENT OF YOUR WEAK IMAGINATIONS, relative to the glorious imagination that's been on full display in this post by yours truly, Buttug McOysty.

Sidebar for a moment, shouldn't every comedian have a Tickle-Me-Elmo at every performance? You know, for when one of their jokes bomb? They reach over and set this baby off, instantly making people forget about the bad joke by masking it with fake, yet highly contagious, laughter? Am I right or am I genius?

So, uh, good story no? And my segues are even more impressive. I'm watching Futurama while typing this so pardon me if it's lacking punch. If you wanted a more compelling story, try watching TBS on the weekends because they showed HOME ALONE at least three times this past weekend. The movie series that is reserved for the Christmas weekend, and only the Christmas weekend.

Normally, I ignore the Christmas decorations in the malls, because I understand their need to promote a holiday in order to milk us of our hard-earned money. But television would NEVER do this to me. Television would still be celebrating Remembrance Day if you're up north, or Thanksgiving if you're down south. To show a Christmas movie upstages and insults veterans and turkeys all around. And that's one demographic you don't want to piss off, the veteran/turkey's.