This is going to be a grueling 44 minutes. And I won't lie, like most of my "reviews", I give up about 1/5th of the way through.

Track One - Fawn
Reminiscent of Sufjan Steven's work, but a lot slower, and with a lot less creativity. Throw in a cheesy baseball-game-sounding organ, and a cheesy saxophone going over it, and you have the underwhelming introductory track! Welcome to the music business Scarlett, may your stay be short lived.

Track Two - Town With No Cheer
Finally! Scarlett decided to show up on her own album! And then proceeds to drone on over a track entitled "Town With No Cheer". This is way too emo for a "successful" Hollywood celebrity.

Track Three - Falling Down
Picks up where track two left off. Seriously, the gap-less playback option worked so well that if I wasn't so on top of my album review game, I wouldn't even know the track changed. Scarlett is still droning...

Track Four - Anywhere I Lay My Head
Scarlett Jo digs deep and comes up with a slower sounding intro that made me run to Youtube because I thought she was going to drone over this beat.

Track Five - Fannin' Street
This is my favorite track. Not because it's any good. Not even because David Bowie is featured. No, it's because the premise of the track is to warn you not to go down to Fannin' street. Nevermind the fact that she replaced the 'g' in 'Fanning' with an apostrophe (totally gangster) but with an opportunity to say something of significance, for instance, an opportunity to warn kids not to do drugs, or talk about the dangers of being consumed with fame or power, she chooses instead to call out Fanning Street. The lyrics reveal no particular reason why. Brutal.

Track Six - Song For Jo
A song for herself. Probably should've kept the entire album to herself.

Track Seven - Green Grass
True story. By this point of the review, I had lost track of how bored I really was. I looked down into my Windows bar thing that goes across the bottom (it really shows that I studied computers doesn't it?) and noticed I was simultaneously in the middle of two Freecell games. I eventually won both.

Track Eight - I Wish I Was In New Orleans
I also wish I was in New Orleans. Back to the actual song, it sounds like a bedtime song with the chimes and dreamy effects. If you're going to attempt to listen to this album, use this track as track one. It'll get you in the mood. And by that, I mean put you to sleep, sparing you from the other ten tracks.

Track Nine - I Don't Want To Grow Up
Is it possible for someone that has a vocal range spanning five pitches (not octaves...PITCHES) to release an eleven tracked album? Who green-lighted this project? And, according to the track title, she doesn't want to grow up. That's very mature Scarlett, very mature.

Track Ten - No One Knows When I'm Gone
E.M.O.

Track Eleven - Who Are You?
YOU, madam, are an actress. A borderline one at that. Should've asked yourself this question before making this album.

Recap - Good riddance. Look, if you're not gifted with multiple talents, there's no need to force yourself into avenues that you probably shouldn't wandering down.

Rappers, you are not country stars. Jessica Simpson, you should have been a country star all along. Dane Cook, just stop it (it = everything). Britney, get back to being a fake music star, leave the parenting to K-Fed (I know, even that's ridiculous, but that's the best I could do with a no-win situation). The driver in front of me that decided to only use half of the left-turn lane and remain halfway on the lane I was driving in, acting as a danger to everyone around, buy yourself some public transportation tokens. Vegetables, stop showing up in my favorite foods, go back to being the dish I try to neglect but my mother will forcibly serve to me anyways. Canadian Basketball Team, just strap on a pair of skates and pick up a stick. Ernie and Bert, well you twos is just ridiculous.

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I'm so out of my element here. I don't know how to properly review/critique anything that isn't insanely horrible (hi K-Fed!), pop, or hip hop. But in the spirit of constantly making a fool out of myself, I'm going to go ahead with this anyways.




Track One - So Sorry
Things Feist could possibly be sorry for:
- having an amazing voice that manages to make me feel inferior in oh-so-many-ways
- neglecting to say "bless you" after someone sneezed
- not holding the door open for the person behind her (for shame)

Track Two - I Feel It All
This track in particular, probably because the instruments bang a little harder, annoys me a little because her voice sounds like its coming through a sound filter in comparison to the crystal clarity of everything else going on.

Track Three - My Moon My Man
I'll make it a point to call someone of my choosing a "Skirty swift bean".

I wonder if moon-cake is readily available in supermarkets even if it is a tad off-season, or if I have to find the Asian black market for some.

Track Four - The Park
It got really quiet really quickly. Has the backing of crickets and "outdoorsy" noises. (Outdoorsy is a word? Feisty.) I suppose it's cohesive with the track title.

Track Five - The Water
I think Feist needs to be a little more creative with the track titles. Second track in a row that is pin-drop quiet but has the haunting quality her voice so readily provides.

Track Six - Sea Lion Woman
See now this title is intriguing. Upon inspection of the lyrics, I have found that a sea lion woman "drinks coffee" and "drinks tea". Wow. Amazing. Usually people pick a side in that debate! I think I'm going to investigate this!

Track Seven - Past in Present
I won't lie. I completely zoned this song out while preparing the poll for track six.

Track Eight - The Limit To Your Love
Feist is being pessimistically realistic.

Track Nine - One Two Three Four
Feist is proving once and for all that she can indeed count two four. I mean, to for. Forget it. This track is right up my alley, mostly because it involves the use of numbers and there's nothing more appealing than numbers (mmmm pi), but also because it sounds delightful, employing the use of some brass instruments!

Track Ten - Brandy Alexander
Feist likes sweet, brandy based, cocktails. Now, I know rappers like to endorse products (Have you seen the ridiculous string of T.I. Chevy commercials? T.I. and Nascar go together like peanut butter and people with peanut allergies. MORBIDLY. How many trucks full of money did they back onto his driveway for him to do agree to this? Two? Ten? I need to know.)

Track Eleven - Intuition
Didn't Jewel already make this song? There's some crowd interaction at the end of this track! She knows how to work an audience! Just like I know how to work a readership!

*crickets*

My mistake.

Track Twelve - Honey Honey
Billy Bee would be so proud of Feist.

Track Thirteen - How My Heart Behaves
Sigh. I don't want this album to end, but like most good things, it must also come to an end. I wonder what happens to be next on my play-list. Let's find out...Amerie! Vastly underrated, but I won't get into that today.

Wrap-Up
If you liked Feist's older offerings, you'll enjoy this. Very interested to see how she delivers in a live-performance venue.

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The Chicago Bears just beat the Seattle Seahawks with an overtime field goal, DESPITE their horrible quarterback, Rex Grossman. I wonder what would help counteract this feeling of rapidly descending deflating depression...

Track One - Bring It All Back
Feel good, falling in love, you can achieve your dreams. What this song boils down to is good old fashioned SELFISHNESS, where the world revolves around you.

Track Two - You're My Number One
"You're like a drug, you got me wanting more". I'm just about ready to slap a parental advisory onto this album. Unfortunately for all the concerned parents out there, I can't stop nonsensically prancing around long enough to follow through.

Track Three - Two In A Million
On the count of three, grab the closest baby, and hug it. Altogether now, ready?

One...two...three...

*squeeze*

Track Four - S Club Party
Remember the music video for this single? Where the members of S Club 7 took turns jumping in the air and drawing an invisible S that was only evident after sparkling video effects were added? And even knowing that special effects don't occur in real life, you had to try for yourself anyways? You'd be lying if you say you didn't.

This is a couple of friends, with the aid of a bouncy mattress and Photoshop, paying homage to S Club for that spectacular video.



Track Five - Everybody Wants Ya
*more nonsensically dancing*

Track Six - Viva La Fiesta
I still can't get over S Club Party. It begs to be on any "best party song" polls, if not the top 5 party songs ever.

Track Seven - Gonna Change The World
The Patriots/Chargers game is starting.

Track Eight - I Really Miss You
You know the moment in most basic romantic stories where circumstances (whether it be a fight or not) dramatically separate the guy and the girl, before they make a tearful/joyous reunion to end off the movie? And the director takes pan shots of the longing faces of both the guy and girl, usually by some sort of window sill or on their beds, staring off into the distance, to fully depict their loneliness and longing for the other party?

If I ever became a director of a cheesy chick flick, THIS is the song that would be playing. I'm for-serious. I just listened to this song twice, complete with tears welling in my eyes, and there's a FOOTBALL GAME ON TELEVISION THAT I REALLY WANT TO WATCH.

Track Nine - Friday Night
Now to duck out, while maintaining the facade that I actually finished the review...Skip!

Track Ten - It's a Feel Good Thing
Stay tuned for a revolutionary way of posting, or at least a certain aspect of posting! I'll be back later than you expect, but sooner than you may want. That doesn't even make sense.

Track Eleven - Hope For The Future
Go Patriots Go!

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The time has come where a variety of artists decide to put out an album consisting of their renditions of such Christmas classics as "O Holy Night", "Silent Night", and "Jingle Bells". And by now, the very beginning of December, most of you are understandably sick of it.

In fact, I can quote someone as saying "I hate Christmas music".

For better or for worse, Christmas albums will really only be played in and around Christmas time (thanks Captain Obvious), and that does not offer enough pressure to deliver quality, innovative music. And if Heidi Klum, or Clay Aiken, can release a Christmas album, then why shouldn't everyone else? Even I think I can record random noises and make a better Christmas album than Heidi Klum, or Clay Aiken, could ever release.

With that all being said, because I opened up this CD that does not belong to me and popped it in my computer, I promised I would review it. Luckily, snow is scheduled to glaze Toronto tomorrow, so hopefully this offering from Sarah McLaughlin Mclock, AHEM, McLachlan, will ring in the season festively. Although I wonder if the owner of the album will be offended if I smash this to pieces with my fierce words. This won't be the first time I risk a friendship over music.



Hey Sarah? If this really is a Christmas album, and especially with the album titled "Wintersong", instead of prancing around in whatever that skimpy outfit you got on there, you think you could maybe throw on a parka and get some snow machine action happening? I mean, unless you were going for an oxymoronic album cover. And, some skiers in the background would be a nice touch.

Oh, and if you could change your last name to something easier to spell?

Track One - Happy Xmas (War is Over)
Unless you're going to say "Xmas" in your song, I'd consider substituting "Christmas" for "Xmas" in the title. And isn't it "MERRY Christmas"?

I'm already confused. And I STILL can't spell her last name. Otherwise, this track is kinda ho-hum for me. Of course, she has the children's choir in the background, which is actually a nice touch. Remember for children's Sunday school, you'd always have to sing in front of all the parents for the annual Christmas show? Yeah, good times.

Track Two - What Child Is This
Much darker than the first song, but really, that's how the song should be done. I wonder when Sarah gets to exercise her vocal chords, because she sounds like she's just whispering this song.

Track Three - River
"I wish I had a river so I could skate away". According to your album cover, your river wouldn't be frozen and could quite possibly drown you.

Near the end of the song, there's a little piano riff that resembles "Jingle Bells" in a minor key. That's the only thing notable about this movement here.

Track Four - Wintersong
Title track, better hit this one hard Sarah! C'mon!

Mellow, quiet, almost jazzy but not quite there, I guess this is the theme of the entire album.

Track Five - I'll Be Home For Christmas
I've always liked this song, so it'd be very hard for her to ruin this for me. And she just made a very fantastic entry into this song. See, I've adjusted my standards to realize that she is of the softer (no going up high and sustaining powerfully) singing ilk, and plus I'm imagining what a Clay Aiken Christmas album would sound like, and my perspective switches quickly.

Track Six - O Little Town of Bethlehem
This song on the other hand, I don't particularly like unless I'm singing it myself. Er, there seems to be a banjo, or a banjo-sounding guitar. Something Sufjan Stevens would try I'd imagine.

Track Not On This Album - Ice Cream
Sorry, I think every album should be required to contain a track talking about food, preferably pancakes, but Ice Cream is not a bad replacement.

Isn't this track the one of the most inspired pieces of work ever? First of all, there aren't many things better than chocolate, but better than both chocolate and ice cream? This "love" thing sure is something I'd like to experience one day (I KID).

So she really can go up higher and she really does have those power female vocal chords which I love oh so much. She reaches for them at the end of this track. Please please PLEASE have some of that on this rest of the Christmas album. Back to that we go.

Track I Lost Count, Oh, Seven - The First Noel/Mary Mary
A medley? Of Christmas songs? Exciting times.

This one sounds Far Eastern, rather mystical. Some drums have now kicked in that, leading me to conjure up pictures of Disney's Lion King rather than a frosty Winter Wonderland. But it's so much of a different sound that it really provides some contrast for the rest of the album.

Simba just totally owned Scar in my imagination.

Track Eight - Silent Night
Back to the "relaxation music".

That's IT! I can totally hear this album being played as in a Yoga class, or while I attempt to sit in a Zen Lotus position, which I fail miserably at. I'm just not flexible that way. And, no, I cannot bend over and touch my toes.

Track Nine - Song For A Winter's Night
I actually get a really odd sensation down the back of my leg when attempting to touch my toes. It has led me to never try it again.

Track Ten - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Another song that cannot be ruined for me, and while this track doesn't completely blow me out of the water, I can still lean with it, rock with it, stop with it.

And finally, a trumpet gets some time to shine. Should've had more trumpet. And more cowbell.

Track Eleven - In The Bleak Mid-Winter
I feel like it is already the bleak mid-winter-that-is-not-here-yet. Because in a few weeks, I'll be down south (not deep durrty South) in Michigan. And everything leading up to that feels bleak (just like Memphis' career prospects LOL).

Track Twelve - Christmas Time Is Here
Featuring Diana Krall? Intriguing. I remember when I first peeped the Charlie Brown Christmas version of this song and was immediately brought back to my childhood and I think I've liked this lounge-y, thought-provoking, imagery-plentiful song.

Classy way to end an album. Would've been better if Christmas time were actually here, but that's me picking at insignificant things.

Additional Thoughts
Just another seasonal offering. If you're a fan of Sarah McLachlan, you'll like it. If not, then it'll blend in with most other stuff on the radio/malls/elevators these days.

She needs to change her last name.

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I don't intend to fully review another album tonight. As a matter of fact, my mind is currently occupied with the migration issues that have sprung up as I attempt to shuffle blog templates, all in the name of making your reading experience more enjoyable.

With that said, I've taken flak in the past for having too lengthy a post, or for being to superfluous. If anything, I am superbulous (super + fabulous), but in the open forum that is the Internets, people will have their say about everything. And because I dish out my fair of criticisms, I better be able to take it. And the solution that should satisfy everybody is...

...amazing.

So if you choose to read lengthy posts, that option is still available. And if you choose to skip over posts I have deemed lengthy so it will include the "Read More" button, then go ahead. The fact that you were even on my page increases the hit counter, I don't actually need everybody to read everything I write!

So back to the task at hand. I will now play Gwen in the background while proceeding with coding issues. It'll be interesting to see how this turns out.

Track One - Wind It Up
The Sound of Music inspired single. Basically it's ridiculous.

Track Two - The Sweet Escape
Speaking of the Sound of Music, I always get that movie mixed up with Mary Poppins. Isn't that weird? I mean, one movie's about, well, falling in love, and the other is about chim chimery's and a spoon so full of sugar that it's making my mouth water.

This track sounds like something S-Club 7 released a long time ago. And according to the title, Akon is supposedly featured, but it's the end of the track and I haven't heard him at all. It's for the better.

Track Three - Orange County Girl
Because you know, Akon is just another one of the mass produced R&B singers that so happens to be "hot" right now (no brokeback). I just haven't found the factory where they churn these guys out quite yet.

Give me break, I haven't even found Waldo yet, and Carmen Sandiego keeps country hopping.

Track Four - Early Winter
No Gwen, in fact, it's verging on December and I haven't seen much snow yet. I will not acknowledge the winter season until snow hits me square between the eyes.

Track Five - Now That You Got It
Why does my text spacing change after I link to an image/video? What the heck blogger? I'll work-around it by using the blogger insert image function.

Track Six - 4 In The Morning
Didn't Our Lady Peace do a song titled "4AM"? I hope I'm not making this up. And I know Matchbox 20 did that "3AM" song. Is this going to be a fad? Are we going to have tracks titled "2:46", and eerily spans 2 minutes and 46 seconds?

Track Seven - Yummy
I hope she talks about pancakes. Oh please, talk about pancakes! Oh, she's talking about herself and how she's delicious. Disappointment.

The Neptunes must be behind this because it sounds like track numero one-oh. Yup, there's Pharrell with his "superb" flow. Haha, she even says "wind it up"! You know what this is?

SYNERGY.

Four minutes into this track, it gets creepy, and the instrumental section comprises of sounds that I can only describe as factory-ish. I'm making headway into this R&B singer manufacturer investigation can't you see?

Track Eight - Fluorescent
Of course, there had to be a scheduled blogger outtage just as I was making some progress. I guess my changes will have to wait another day, along with this post, which I will now continue writing in Notepad, and post it tomorrow morning as if the outtage never occured. What to do now, what to do.

Hello, fantasy sports.

Track Nine - Breakin' Up
This song can either be about being dumped, or, bad cell phone reception.

Remeber that BackStreetBoys track? "MY BATTERY IS LOW! GOTTA GO!" Good times.

What do you know! She said "batteries getting low"!

This song is so good with the double entendres. This has the looks of an instant classic.

Track Ten - Don't Get It Twisted
How did the New York Knicks beat the Cleveland Cavaliers Lebron James? Oh, I hope David Lee lit it up...10-5-stl-blk, not bad not bad. Isn't David Lee such an odd name for a Caucasian? Maybe it's just me, possibly because I've known one or two David Lee's in my lifetime (HOV!)

Track Eleven - U Started It
Gwen, "U" is spelled "WHY-OH-YOU". Oh, I should probably mention that the last track had this for a hook, "This is the most craziest sh*t ever".

Just curious Gwen, Would you classify that sh*t as...

...bananas?

Track Twelve - Wonderful Life
Find it weird that I'm talking about sports in the context of this post? Rhetorical question really, because I'm about to continue.

I hope Vince Carter comes back to the Toronto Raptors. Then I can go to games and boo my face out, even if he leads the Raps back into the playoffs. I remember doing that for Tracy McGrady, although he was on the Magic, so I don't know how weird it'd be to boo a player on the team you're cheering for night in, night out. I'm still undecided.

Track Bonus - Candyland
Who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew? Cover it in chocolate and a miracle or two...
The candyman, the candyman can!

I don't know what this song is about, nor do I know if it will actually be included with this album.

Oh wait, she does say "this sh*t is f***ing bananas". Bringing it all back together into one neat little package. Well done.

Additional Thoughts: Very enjoyable album, time seemed to fly as I listened to this very cohesive album that is dance-enducing and very upbeat all the way through, even in the darker movements.

Gwen is probably the only individual that not only gets away with this stuff, but makes it sound good. I would say that Ms.Stefani is the leader in her field (female pop vocalists), with the most recent rip-offs including Fergie-Ferg and Nelly Furtado. She ascends to a whole other level with this offering, which, sadly, she has mentioned will be her last solo album.

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"...if you download the K-Fed and fess up to it...I don't think I can admit to being your friend anymore..." - K.C.

It's been done. I'm staring at the track listing on my iTunes as we speak, and I'm about to attempt something that may not only jeopardize my friendships, this realistically threatens my sanity.

I, Buttug McOysty, pledge to sit here and listen to this Kevin Federline, ahem, Fed-Ex, album in its entirety, tracks one through thirteen plus bonus material tacked on at the end, and make snide remarks about it, track by supposedly horrible track.

The over/under on when I start bashing my head into the table repeatedly is 7. And I'm being generous.

Before we start, I'd just like to take the time to notice that he actually cleaned up pretty nicely for the album cover. Is this a sign of things to come? Will he actually this off?


Track One - Intro
The Feder-liner: "According to sources, Federline's marriage to pop superstar Britney Spears has reached its last straw".
Did K-Fed just predict the future? Oh, I get it, he's come back from the future to tell the story as a grandpa. Buy the premise, buy the bit. I don't buy the premise.

Track Two - The World is Mine
The Feder-liner: "The world is mind, and everything in it, Young Jeezy told me that so I'ma go get it".
So theoretically, if the rest of this album manages to make me stupider, Young Jeezy should be the one held responsible. If it comes down to that, I'm counting on you, the readership, to avenge me.

Track Three - America's Most Hated
The Feder-liner: "You're mad that I made it, America's most hated".
On the contrary. You give hope to people with no talent and no money! You're a role model!

Track Four - Snap
This is the first song without a noticeable amount of piano. Hold on...

...this sounds a lot like a "Drop it like its hot". In fact, I'm gonna go ahead and superimpose Snoop's lyrics over this beat in my head and, look at that, I LIKE THIS SONG!

The Feder-liner: "A pancake man, f*** a hand shake man". What's a pancake man? And just now, he has proclaimed himself, "Hotter than a pizza oven".

I'm hungry. K-Fed is exploiting that fact in his lyrics.

Track Five - Lose Control
Oh, the piano is back. And so are his pedestrian lyrical abilities (not to be mistaken for my pedestrian writing skills thank you very much)
You know how sometimes singles are so good that when you buy the album you skip directly to the single in order to get yourself off to a good start?
Didn't happen. In fact, I'd like to plead the "heard it already" clause and go ahead and skip this track altogether.

Track Six - Dance with a Pimp
The Feder-liner: "It goes left, right, front to back."
That's it? I can dance like that...am I a pimp? I used to think that any track that described it's own dance routine within the confines of the song (re: One-Two Step, Lean Back, Chicken Noodle Soup) would automatically catch fire. This song is setting out to prove me wrong.
The Feder-liner, because I figure I owed you one from skipping the last track: "Dudes hate K-Fed, girls love K-Fed, it don't matter to me cuz K-Fed stay fed".
MIND BOGGLING.

Track Seven - Priviledge
Generic R&B hook sung by an unknown artist named Bosko. Things, are starting to sound the same.
Another song I have had the, uh, "priviledge" of hearing before, thanks to me being too lazy to flip channels during a performance at MuchMusic.
The Feder-liner: "I'm not a father, I'm just a Mac, got tired of the drugs so I switched to rap".
Last time I checked, he was a father of THREE (I'm a little unclear if it's two or three, but the point still stands).

Track Eight - Crazy
I am slowly going... at least it's one track later than I anticipated.
OH. WOULDN'T YOU LOOK AT THIS. The obligatory Britney collaboration. I guess he owed her one since she probably paid for this album.
Sorry, not paying too much attention, I am trying to decide who I have a harder time listening to, Brit-Brit, or K-Fed. I'm going to call it a tie.
The Feder-liner: "Don't think they understand, how much cake the pancake man have". And I think he shouted out Tupac...

Track Nine - A League of My Own
Sounds like something G-Unit would do. I bet 50 could've made this song and made millions. A screw it, I'm going to take a washroom break.

Track Ten - Playing with Fire
The novelty of being forced to listen through an album for a track-by-track review is wearing off.
The Feder-liner: The entire hook is "Playing with fire, playing with fire", repeated 8 times. Listen, K-Fed, I GET that it is the album title, no need to pound it into me anymore. Lay. Off.
And he just said something about pancakes again, pancake reference count at 3? (excluding the last track that I "accidentally" missed)...

Track Eleven - Caught Up (Intro)
You know when you just finished up one boring lecture and you have that 5-10 minute span to get to your next boring lecture. So you pick up your backpack, make your way to the exit, and the fresh air and sounds of nature/other people/cars give you a chance to clear your mind? Yeah...that's where we are in the album.

Track Twelve - Caught Up
I won't lie, I'm starting to ignore the lyrics, and concentrating instead on the seconds ticking by until the merciful end of this album.

Track Thirteen - Kept On Talkin
Ending on a track numbered thirteen, some would call that bad luck.
The Feder-lines - "Pancakin' is my job, in the mix all the time". LOL.
"PANCAKE PANCAKE, I'M THAT MAN". ROFL (That's the HOOK).
"My name is Kevin Federline, pancakin' all the time." (LMAOWTF)

Bonus Track - Middle Finger
He actually thought that people would wait out the 3 plus minutes of silence to get to the bonus material? Never mind the notion of bonus tracks being so preposterous (seriously, why isn't it just...in this case, track fourteen? What makes this a bonus? Is it only released on 30% of the albums created?).
The Feder-liner: "Like Jesus in every way, I'm crucified and slayed, watch me die and I rise on the seventh day."
Hey, Kev? Jesus rose on the third day.

Additional Thoughts: He raps about money, how girls love him, how the media hates him. ON EVERY SONG.

And, I take it he has an odd attraction for pancakes because I don't know of any popular pancake sayings, nor can I imagine a pancake being a metaphor for anything.

To be completely honest, I don't think this is the most atrocious thing I have ever heard, and some songs will get replayed on my iPod, because I think K-Fed is hilarious. As mentioned, I could definitely see other rappers spittin' over some of these beats, as some of them sound suspiciously close to being rip-offs. Of course he has an affinity for piano laced beats.

Lastly, I would suggest he look into advertising full time for pancakes instead of making music.

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