after 7 days of deliberation, the members of the jury in the michael jackson case found him not guilty on all charges. note the fact that i personally called this not-guilty verdict before hand
*holds for applause*
*cricket sounds*
this family of con artists was simply trying to grab as much money/attention as possible from this spectacle of a trial. that was clear to me, as clear as black is from white.
pun..not intended. enough people joke about whether or not he's black or white. i honestly dont really care. but i would like to point out that he pulled a "reverse R Kelly" type move. just check this out:



seriously, i need to start a course for musicians that'll teach them NOT to make songs related to things they have done/will do that is just straight up damaging to their images. unless you're a rapper. cuz somehow ppl can talk about how much they get shot up/deal drugs/or how gangster they are and sell billions of albums. meanwhile a respectable artist like Talib Kweli will never ever make it big even if "JUST BLAZE" shows up in his wicked kick @$$ music video.

hm, this post really had no direction. wasnt much of a "thriller" either (PUN INTENDED). just wanted to give a heads up on some upcoming posts im working on:
- the poll results... i still have yet to do a commentary on that thing, altho i've been tryin to adjust my blog posts as per the results (read carefully...u'll find what u voted for)
- thuganomics 101 coming up ... hopefully! this is an exciting undertaking. for me. cuz if you read the last paragraph up to the word "rapper" and skipped it, you probably could care less.
- i am NOT WEIRD...whoever has been spreading stories about me, CEASE and DESIST. its one thing to have your friends call you weird or a jerktard (or in kwans case, queer and a fruittart...sorry kwan, the ppl did vote...its not necessarily my opinion of you), but when ppl you havent seen in a good month, and havent talked to much EVER start calling you weird, its just (for a lack of better words), WEIRD

im out, like the etroit pistons.

hey what happened to nba's 2004 defending champions, the "etroit" pistons? they seem to be missing the D needed to win.

thank you foxsports...that was just way too clever.

i walked into work today to find a fundraising package on my desk. i was left wondering why this did not go through my non-existant secretary before i realized that i did not actually have a secretary, and therefore i need to hire one. so if you have nothing to do between the hours of 8:30-4:30, give me a call at 935-7685. and yes that is my real number, just dont call asking for "chris michael" because i will go bananas on you.

*# of DIFFERENT ppl that have called my number asking for chris michael = 5"

as my secretary, you will not only have the honor of sorting through dumb emails, and answering all my phone calls, or chris micahels phone calls, but you will also have the priviledge of smacking me on the back of my head everytime i tangent on my blog posts (also known as digressing)

back to the fundraising thing. naturally, i had to read it, just to make sure it wasnt anything important. rogers is actually trying to raise money for kids. apparantly if i donate 2 dollars, i can supply a child with a calculator.
go ahead, read that last sentence again...i'll wait

*waiting*

here's the thing. i'm not sure if i want the kids representing the 'future of canada' using two dollar calculators.
well why is that a****? isnt it very economical?
if you add 1 to 5 on a two dollar calculator, you get 7.
if you subtract 1 from 5 on a two dollar calculator, you get 7.
if you try to do those two operations back to back on a two dollar calculator
without giving the calculator 10 minutes of rest, the calculator will overheat and blow up.
if you want to multiply 20 by 4, you'd hafta use all your geniousness to figure out that there was a typo on the multiply key, and it came out as "z" because the z key is conveniently located beside the x key on a keyboard.
if you divide by zero on the two dollar calculator, it will automatically add you to the database for stupid children because everyone knows it is not theoretically possible to divide by zero, just like how it isnt theoretically possible to give 110%.
i would much rather have a kid pound out 3+8 on a piece of paper or on their fingers, and be satisfied with their hard work instead of patting themselves on the back for getting a 7 to show up on a small calculator screen.
if you add that (ha) to the fact that two dollar calculators DONT EXIST, then you have one big scam of a fundraiser.

in the category of "bonehead move of the month", i managed to completely forget about the mtv movie awards that aired last night. luckily i taped the replay of it. instead i went to the theaters (how coincidental, miss the movie awards to go see a movie). has anyone else noticed the ridiculous pricing of concession stand food/drinks at theaters?
*collective groan at the over-discussion of this topic*
i mean you'd be stupid NOT to buy the JUMBO FAMILY SIZED POPCORN VALUE PACK because its only 50cents more than the medium (which sells for a grand total of like 10 bucks)
AND to top it all off, the advertisement shown just before the start of my feature presentation (they showed "feature presentation! to get me all excited, then pulled a quick one by slipping one more ad in there) was a campaign tryin to derail illegal dvds and downloading of movies. so after paying 10 dollars to get in the door and sitting there with my CRATE of popcorn, they have the nerve to tell me not to buy illegal movies because that takes away from the movie industry. I THINK YOU'RE TARGETTING THE WRONG GROUP OF PEOPLE. maybe you should show this ad to the people sitting in front of their computers downloading movies instead of the people that paid to sit in your theatre and eat your ridiculously priced food.

but i've digressed (i think i used it right here)

i have since read up on all the mtv festivities missed (kinda defeats the purpose of me taping i know...sue me). i need someone to explain to me how Napoleon Dynamite beat out Kill Bill vol2 or The Incredibles for movie of the year? did somebody take "gosh you can do whatever you want" out of context and vote 2 billion fazillion times for this movie? because from what i remember, i was slightly pissed off after watching napoleon not-so-dynatmite.

and apparantly they award somebody for the "most frightened performance". because i think awarding people for looking scared the entire movie would be stupid, i assume this award is for the most FRIGHTENING performance. frighningly bad.

again i've digressed (this word is awesome!...has my vote for word of the year, which will probably be beat out by a stupid boring word like blog, or car"

i've figured it out. everybody "voted for pedro", cuz they thought it'd be funny, and it turns out those votes counted towards napoleon dynamite. i hope each and every one of ya has an uncle rico that'll throw a well deserved steak in your face (please dont ask me who uncle rico is...just watch the movie, oh wait...dont, because after u'll regret not watching that paint dry on some random wall you walked by).

*sidenote* i always thought a 'vote for pedro' shirt or hat was cool, but i definitely could not pull that off. especially not after bashing the crap out of the movie.

*endnote (i promise i'm done after this)* i actually didnt buy any popcorn last night. i still think the food pricing is insane though.
AND (dont you just love connecting words that allow me to continue to ramble)
today will probably be the last day i leave that poll up. so please go voice your opinion. as long as you dont vote for frickin (or 'flick'-in ... cuz its a movie...get it?) pedro. as pdiddy would say, vote or die! and as the rest of you now are all saying, "shutup a****". feel free to choose that option on the poll.

*edit*
really, i'm sorry...but i just found this out and i thought you should know. guess who napoleon dynamite was produced by? .... MTV FILMS ...

this post is rated R (ha...if you keep reading you'll get it)
but b4 i do go on, this post is mainly about music, so if u could care less about my "black" music, and dont want to hear the harsh words i hafta say, then feel free to navigate away from this page to a mellow-er blog that is quality reading suitable for anybody. may i suggest clicking on the "mike kwan" link.

i like to wake up to music. to hear john mayer/kanye west tell me to "go...go, go, go" or to hear luda yell "stand up", gives me hope that the day will be good. the past week though, the only song i recall waking up to is R Kelly's "trapped in a closet".

just in case you were wondering, there are 5 parts to this song. each part is a whole song in itself (3-4 minutes give or take), and if you guessed that the song is about R Kelly being trapped in a closet, go on, pat yourself on the back. He's in the closet hiding from the husband of the chick he is sleeping with.

Good for you R. Writing a song about having sex with people you are not supposed to be having sex with. Next time you decide to pull a stunt like this, make sure your not about to stand trial for rape or child porn. i mean, cmon, someone in his camp should've pulled him to one side and told him maybe this was not the direction they should be taking at this point of his career.

But i digress (i like the word digress...i dont really care if i'm not using it correctly)

in part 1 of 5, R gets caught in the closet. SO WHAT THE HECK ARE THE OTHER FOUR PARTS GONNA BE ABOUT? is this some sick joke? do i look like i'm laughing? it quite possibly is just that. a joke. a song we'd expect to see on chappelle show, except R beat them to the punch, thinking

"They all gonna make fun of me anyway, so if I make an album full of material for them, they won't be laughing at me, they'll be laughign with me."

good try, but what ur actually doing is reminding the general public of what a sick perv you are.

here's theory number two as to why this song was released. every now and then, an artist will release crap to the public to reassure his/her stance that "i can release anything and ppl will buy it up cuz they love me". and it WORKS. or else i would not be hearnig this darned song EVERY MORNING.

i used to sing along to r kelly, with hit songs such as "i believe i can fly" or "worlds greatest". but now after, "trapped in a closet" and "sex in the kitchen", i sing no more.

wait a second, "TRAPPED...in a closet", "SEX...in the kitchen"? i see a THEME!!! his songs include a verb, followed by something you can find in a house! in fact, i'm gonna go out on a limb and predict the title of the album to be "the house of R Kelly" at which point i will buy the album, then FLUSH ... it down a toilet.

would somebody please explain to me how one releases a gospel-ish album, then follows it up with these two songs?

i hope he burns himself on a stovetop while attempting to do his dirty business in the kitchen...or traps himself in a closet forever.

now my coffee is all cold from writing this exhaustive post. add that to the list of reasons i now hate r kelly.

in my great haste yesterday to fit in a half an hour nap before worship practice, i made the mistake of scarfing down half a pizza, fresh from my oven, in about 5 minutes.

the number one food to burn the roof of your mouth with, (good for you if you guessed pizza, good for you) the sizzling cheese that so happens to grace the top of a pizza. now i know.
so i'm sitting here writting up this blog post with my mouth wide open like i'm a panting dog because i have psychologically tricked myself into thinking that having my jaw hanging down like a retard will make my mouth heal faster.

its times like these when i wished somebody had published a "worst case survival guide for burning mouths". instead, some idiot of a writer decided to pen this instead:



sorry, what?! GOLF?
hypothetical scenario number 1:
"ahh! i'm sinking! who filled the bunker with quicksand?!"
hypothetical scenario number 2:
person1 - "idiot! you accidentally hit me a your sandwedge, now i cant feel my leg!"
person2 - "it wasnt an accident"
hypothetical scenario number 3:
while reading the "worst case survival guide to golf" in order to rectify scenario 1 or 2, you get run over by a golf cart going about 5 miles an hour.

thats it. i'll write the friggin book for burning mouths. if anyone else wants a copy, please make your cheques out to A**** Y*. thats A****, with two a's.

edit
okay i dont hate you pizza. a 2 dollar chillatte has numbed the pain party that was happening in my mouth. maybe i can continue to subdue the pain with different products, like "suet goh loi mah chee" (lookin at you dry i mean dre), or "yogurt blended fruit drinks (hook me up ice cream maker girl)

oh upon further research i have discovered that there is a "Surgical Intern Pocket Survival Guide". i'll let you make your judgement on this book.

it took me that long, my whole miserable existance, but i got her. man is there ANYTHING google cant do?

what i'm mumbling about

of course, cairo. i should've known.