so as i was watching my tape of the BET awards last night (i missed most of the original showing as i was enjoying batman to the max...or imax), mainly for the hype performances (or not so hype if your name is mariah carey), and i just HAD to stop when i saw TOM CRUISE come out as a presenter.

this was the SECOND TIME i have seen tom cruise on BET...and it makes me angry everytime he's on that station. you couldn't possibly have found a whiter person. and a short paranoid scientologist who is absolutely convinced in the existance of aliens. how about trying to make sure the people that WIN THE AWARDS are actually at the show instead of booking this clown? i don't want to see him accept for jamie foxx, I WANT TO SEE JAMIE FOXX. and for that matter, i wanted to see shaq. cuz shaq's a funny guy. whats that? thought i didnt like shaq? well you DONT PICK FIGHTS WITH BIG BLACK DUDES. tom cruise on the other hand, i'd like to kick the scientology out of him.

freak. maybe he had some of this candy and thought it made him black.



uhm, ha yeah.

in other black people news, omarion and usher need to have a dance-off before i lie awake, and drive myself crazy (thinking of you...no just kidding i dont think about you at all) debating who will win (debating with myself of course...nobody else cares). i tried to start up this debate with the dude behind me but all i got was the cut-eye look of death icy cold stare that made me turn around slowly and continuing "working". i love my co-workers.

and contrary to popular opinion, i still do love canada (what, with the new by-law being passed). specially if its the reason i have a long weekend. and if i get to skip out a few hours of work to attend this celebration ted rogers is personally throwing today downstairs. i can't wait. well actually i can, because i have no choice.

g-u-NOT is all the rage. The Game has trampled over 50 Cent and his g-unit crew with his recent diss tracks. i know you dont care, but that was important background information that will become important..right about...now

so i was sitting on the couch late last night, waiting ever so anxiously for the BET award for "best collaboration" to be handed out in hopes that it would be awarded to The Game and 50 Cent, because it would've been funny to see them fight over who gets to keep the award and slap each other silly or pull out the .45's on stage and stuff. but once again ciara managed to ruin my night by taking home that award. EVERYTIME i hear ciara i want to 1-2 step into a kick to her face. (seriously, she's not THAT bad)

jokes involving music allusions arent all that effective if you've never heard the song. but too bad, this blog is my sh*t, and its bananas.

but i'm gonna save the rest of my music musings for another day. check out a snippet of an email i sent out yesterday. and yes, thank you, i did call it here first.

"i know squat about the draft
but i'm ready to rant about it
cuz i have a big feeling the raps will mess this one up too"

funny thing was, they had to air a disclaimer stating that "it was not villanueva's fault that he went so high" and to keep that in mind while the tv analysts ripped him a new one. poor kid. poor soon-to-be-a-millionaire and a decent pro-basketball player (cross fingers) kid. but enough about the draft, cuz i know nothing about it. onto other miscellanious sports activities.

so that woman that won that golf tournament...birdie kim? well she had changed her name to birdie because no one could remember her first name and birdie was a good score in golf (click here for full story).

i am takin her lead, and changing my name to i-hate yu. because thats what i do. hate. then blog about it.

I WANT ONE

speaking of awesome advances in technology, would somebody PLEASE start working on seedless mangos? i feel like i'm throwing out half my mango because of that stupid thing in the middle. GET ON THE BALL geneticists. stop screwin around tryin to cure diseases and all.

if you're completely bored, try this. go to google and type in "miserable failure". then hit the "i'm feeling lucky button". and enjoy.

and if you're still bored, GO MAKE SOME SEEDLESS MANGOS FOR ME NOW.

you don't honestly need me to post a lil something like this to tell you that i'm feeling like a huge yellow blob (i mean, happy) do you?

if for example i was ranting about how much i hate people that do nothing but blog from work, then wouldn't you be able to tell that i was slightly pissed off?
and if i was telling jokes, then you'd be able to deduct that i was rofl lol stfu bbq wtf byob (errr i may have gone too far).

here's some modified jay-z lyrics for your (or my own) enjoyment. i dont really want to explain. so just read the lyrics, go buy his cd's, and remember, diamonds are forever.

"I'm just glad we got to see each other
Talk and re-meet each other
Save a place in Heaven
Might be the next time we meet forever

We're done for now, so one for now
Possibly forever, we had fun together
But like all good things, we must come to an end
Please show the same love to all your friends
Dear summer"

C: What are you drinking? Is it water?
Me: *shakes head
C: Is it cocaine?
Me: *spits out the cocain i mean water i'm drinking

I have never experimented with drugs. Cuz you know, if i'm gonna pay that much money to get my hands on some of the stuff, I ain't gonna go all chemistry on it all of a sudden and start testing its melting temperatures or reactivity with acid.

speaking of drugs, the spurs won last night. how could they lose, i mean they had obi wan ginobli on the team.

speaking of changing the topic, i have previously stated that i would never go work in the food industry again. i have since given it some thought, and WOULD go back, just so i cuold yell "YOU GOT SERVED" after giving customers their food.

continuing the theme of incorrect usage of the english language, i have noticed that it pisses me off when people confuse "then" and "than." It pisses me off more then anything.

i talk to myself a lot, mostly in my head, but at times i'm talking outloud. whatever seems to make me laugh, i put it down here for y'all to read. so if you're gonna trash my post, please remember that on average i am only funny once a week AND may i remind you to go walk into a wall.

so i recently discovered that i have been using "y'all" wrong. i keep typing "ya'll". not that i use it often enough for me to point out but i'm pointing it out anyways. deal with it. but when i realized it, i felt quite stupid. i even tried to validate my stupidity by asking kwan where he put the apostrophe, and even he knew where to rightly put it (must not take a cheapshot at kwans gayness...oh too late)

i mean CMON! a university student like me should know that an apostrophe goes in the place of the missing letters! so unless i was trying to spell "ya all", then i've been looking like an idiot while no one said a word to me. the equivalent of walking around with your fly down and everyone snickering but nobody saying a word to the guy with a fly down. not that it has happened to me before.

of course, i hafta get to the root of the problem. do i have some sort of problem with my apostrophe placement? so i take a journey back in time to grade 3ish in language class, and i imagine that a classroom conversation may have gone something like this:

Teach: A****, what is the contraction for "can not"?
Me: Can't.
Teach: Good work. And for "do not"?
Me: Don't.
Teach: Hm-hm. And "will not"?
Me: Willn't.
Teach: (laughs) No. Anyone else?
Someone else: Won't.
Me: WTH! It should be willn't. What the crap is won't? Did you eat some alphabits this morning and crap that word out? Screw this, I'm going home.

*Disclaimer: actual conversation may have never happened. i blame this on my bad memory. it seems that as time goes by, my brain seems to contract (ha), and while this leads to loss of some memories, it also allows me the convenient excuse of making up stories to fill the void of the forgotten ones that arent as interesting

because...intra-cubicle talking would mean i was talking to myself...which is slightly scary

lets call the person i'm talkin to charles, cuz thats his name

charles: this steeped tea tastes bitter
me: what did u put in it?
charles: nothing...why should i have?
me: i dont know i dont drink tea. you should've asked what people normally put in it.
charles: i suppose you can put anything you want in it
me: then i think i'd like to have timbits in mines.

it was funnier in person i swear.

as larry brown would say, there was miscommunication. so lets do away with the fog and clear some things up.

1. i am 100% behind the san antonio spurs. i only wanted to see a game 7 because heck, i'm a lonerish type of guy who wants to go home and be able to veg in front of the tv and watch some exciting basketball.

2. i have nothing against tom cruise and the movies he has made (u'll understand later).

3. yesterday's post about bad marketing was not directed at pizza pizza. they did a wonderful job, as i magically started craving pizza while they were supposedly selling dragonboat.
i'm saying the dragonboat ppl should've done a better job. maybe dressed somebody up as a dragon. u see, the way i figure, a lot of ppl (mostly non-asians) are probably slightly clueless and would proceed to think that ppl dressed up as dragons would be in the boat racing...and they might just come out to the event to see that. in fact, thats a brilliant idea. when they use it, i want 40, no 50, no 55% of all ticket revenues.

and speaking of miscommunication, would you take a look at this?

...quite possibly THE MOST confusing clock i've seen in a while.
(picture was taken at 4:20pm...or 9 o clock retarded clock time)
oh my gosh! did rogers just steal 3 hours of my time? this is possibly the biggest thievery since tom stole katie away from me.

tom, can i call you tom? no...well what are you gonna do, get short with me? why dont you get a woman your own height! AND your whole "dating women younger than you" schtik is getting old.

the other day at the yonge/bloor subway station, i came across this fellow:



cuz the picture is slightly blurred, let me "clear" things up (HA). That guy was the pizza pizza guy. I didn't know there was a pizza pizza guy, but whatever, that was fine by me.

what was more disturbing was that right after I took that shot, a small kid ran up and hugged this clown. this was very reminiscent of the children i saw running up to mickey mouse at disney world. except this was the FRIGGIN pizza guy. at least mickey was a cartoon. this guy is just a walking advertisment for pizza for pete's sake. "kids love me! because i provide the world with pipin hot and fresh out of the oven pizza! LOVE ME DAMIT!"

but that wasnt the only thing. naturally, if i'm gonna take the picture of the pizza guy, i better take one of the flyers he's handing out, otherwise it just wouldnt be very nice of me. so one would think that a pizza pizza guy would be advertising pizza pizza in some way right? well maybe thats why i'm not in marketing, because that was not the case. instead, he was handing out flyers for a dragonboat event. i look closer, to see if pizza pizza is a sponser for this event. no again! marketing idiots.

so i walk onto the subway confused, and because i was still thinking about the pizza pizza mascot, i forgot to pick a good subway section to ride in. i ended up in the section canadian idol had bought out, meaning that every single ad on that subway section was canadian idol. and not different ads, ALL THE SAME. so hey marketing geniouses (man that looks wack), if the FIRST ad did not convince me to watch your inferior canadian product, the next 30 ads or so will only make me MORE ANGRY at your stupid show.

lesson learned. marketing is very rarely done correctly these days, and i have a sudden craving for pizza.

alright alright. in the interest of prolonging the nba championship series because i have no other sporting event to watch, i have thought of a brlliant fool-proof plan that will guarantee the series to go 7 games.

here's what detroit needs to do. you know those guys they banned from the arena that were involved in the infamous pistons/pacers brawl? bring them back. in fact, give them near-courtside seats. and lots and lots of beer. in fact, bring out the hard liquor if you hafta.

after those guys are piss drunk, big ben, u need to foul tim duncan really hard. because tim is so calm, he will go to the scorekeepers table and cool down...at which point the drunk dudes need to toss beer at him. he will then run into the stands, and kick the crap out of the drunk dude.

tony parker will also run into the stands and start punching EVERYONE around him.
and lastly, manu will take a cheap shot at an already subdued fat guy.

there you have it. when u get ur rings detroit, please send me one k thx.

fine, so you dont want to hafta deal with another league-wide scandal. here's the alternative plan.

PLAY SOME DEFENSE. can somebody please tell ben wallace that tony parker just shot right over him? also point out the fact that ben has 7 inches on tony? somebody? dont look at me, im not gonna go tell him, i dont start fights with big black men. or anybody for that matter. its sth i picked up as a scrawnybutt chinese stick figure in my walk of life.

hey if it really is a "walk of life", is there somewhere i can get my hands on a walkthrough? like one of those things you use to cheat through a whole rpg game or sth? and please, dont be commenting saying "DUH THE BIBLE A****" because its supposed to be a rhetorical question.

ne ways, back to my point.
rasheed, is it okay if i call you rasheed? no? okay i wont, cuz you DONT PICK FIGHTS WITH A BIG BLACK DUDE. mr.wallace, if you would just stop yelling at the refs and pick on someone your own size, then maybe u'd realize that leaving the dude with the nba record for most 3-pointers in the nba finals open might not have been the best play.

seems i have so much to rant about today, i hafta double post. and i'm not even gonna rant about why mondays suck. amidst the hoopla, the massive amounts of confetti, and the teenage girls screaming their faces off, the muchmusic video awards were handed out last night. and i will now nitpick details because that is what i do...nitpick things to death.

they aired a disclaimer b4 the show and after every commercial, claiming the event was live, and even with their best efforts, some things may offend some viewers.
with that said, jamie kennedy smoked pot on screen. and the CROWD CHEERED. slightly perplexing and disturbing at the same time.

one of the more popular celebrity couples out there (not you britney and whatshisface...no one cares about u), rob and amber, aka romber, decided halfway through the show that they needed to head up to the second floor. they promptly took the elevator, where ed the sock gave them the verbal thrashing of a lifetime (i'm exagerating). one flight of stairs wouldn't have killed those two would it? after all the physical endurance challenges they went through on survivor and amazing race...they SO could've done one flight of stiars. okay, maybe they didnt know where the stairs were.... at least thats the excuse i use to take the elevator. i'm digressing.

onto the boisterous fans. during the performances, everytime a camera panned onto the crowd, the fans would look into the camera and start waving, while the performance was going on behind their backs. strange. i guess thats what happens when you have ppl like ciara performing, ppl naturally get bored. in fact, during that performance i was more fascinated at the traffic lights changing overhead. (i must admit, ciara was OK...still i was slightly bored).

a fan also decided to run onto the stage during the black eyed peas performance. the peas usually call out local b-boys/girls to the stage during performances so i thought this was all part of the show. until the fan got smoked by two huge dudes in security t-shirts. funny stuff.

the loudest cheer, went to the backstreet boys. i was SLIGHTLY surprised because only half the crowd was cheering (the women). the other half, uncomfortable with their man-hood refused to cheer due to the fear of being laughed at if they got caught on camera.

in other surpising performance news, ashlee simpson did not lip sync. instead, she sucked. REAL BAD...she must've made up her own key halfway through the song. she tried to cover it up by throwing a hissy fit all over the stage. the fans were somehow singing along, proving once again that if you're popular, fans will eat up whatever crap you feed to them.

most memorable line of the night for me: "i got soul, but I'm not a soldier" - the Killers. they also brought out a black choir, which was a perfect way to end off the show for me. no complaints here, in fact, i may just end up buying their album.

happy mondays to you too

*Discalimer: I am going to be using SO many disclaimers. Its a rather touchy subject. Like a sweettooth. Touch it a lil, it'll annoy the heck out of you.
*Disclaimer1: Regardless of what I say, I will not take candy from your baby. Unless your baby is ugly, in that case, the baby does not deserve any candy
*Disclaimer2: Your baby is not ugly. Please do not leave hate comments.

1. Because babies dont fight back. it will most likely cry its head off. and because i have learned the valuable skill of tuning people out, it wont faze me in the bit. If the baby bites, then maybe you should consider running away, or refer to point 3.

*Disclaimer3: i do NOT tune you out. calm down now

2. Because its tempting. if you know me, you know i like my sugar. if you give the candy to the baby in front of my face, its the equivalent of giving some random kid cocaine in front of a just recently cured cocaine addict. okay bad example. but u know what i'm saying.

*Disclaimer4: kids dont do drugs k thx?

3. Because its easy to trick a baby. Give the baby an onion, or feta cheese to chew on while you take the candy. It won't know the difference, until its too late.

*Disclaimer5: do NOT feed your baby whole onions or feta cheese. thats just sick...woo

4. Because if you don't do it, someone else will. Why should you let some moron who sits at work all day that does nothing but blog (errr...i'm in over my head here) take the candy you so deserve? Better yet, what has the baby done to deserve candy? thats right, nothing. Dont pass on opportunity. It may never come knocking again.

*Disclaimer6: i SWEAR i do SOME work. and refer to point 9 if u dont believe that someone else will take the candy.

5. JUST TAKE IT ALREADY. you still need convincing?

*Disclaimer7: hey this is the first time i didnt need a disclaimer

6. Candy leads to cavities. Normally i would say better him/her than me. But not in this case. So for the good of the baby, take the candy. please, just think about the children. wont somebody please think about the children? please?

7. Candy leads to sugar highs. This will drive the mothers/fathers nuts. so for the good of the parents, take the candy. the parents will thank you later on, hopefully with candy.

*Disclaimer8: kwan is gay...sorry

8. Because the baby is smirking at you. Look closely now. The baby IS smirking at YOU. why? because the baby has the candy, and you don't. so you better put it in its place or else it will grow up to be a rebellious lil punk. society will thank you, again hopefully with candy.



*Disclaimer9: i can see its not a baby. please dont point that out to me.

9. Because this guy did it. Its the best decision he ever made in his life. doesnt he look happy? doesnt he?


10. Because STONE COLD SAID SO. just felt like i'd throw that in there. my brother is on some crazy wrestling phase in his life, and he wont shutup about it. just thought you'd like to know. boy would i like to stick a lollipop in his mouth.

its taken me a while to get around to these results. i've written, deleted, then re-written this post,

twice i think. its just a very dryish type post that i HAFTA do or else it'll seem like the poll was for nothing. but i swear, i will come back with something so random, u'll be thinking to yourself WTH tomorow no worries.



and now for an not so in-depth analysis

1. a lot of people hate my guts. OR, a few people hate my guts SO MUCH that they voted over and over again. both theories are very plausible. even the NOAA hates me...WHY AM I NOT ON THAT LIST. how does Ana...which looks like somebody butchered the name "Anna" make it on the list before A****. i like how that has nothing to do with anything.

2. people hate kwan more than they hate me. (note that half my readership doesnt personally know kwan) he also did not make the NOAA list.

3. voting for pictures/puns/daily activites was almost throwing your vote away. voting for one of those three options was the equivalent of voting for ralph nader. ralph, can i call you ralph? no, ahh too bad. ralph, it doesnt matter if you want to teach democratic principles & citizenship in schools (what are they teaching communism now?) or Impeach Bush & Cheney for 5 falsehoods on the Iraq war. (even if that would be just ..peachy..) YOU WERENT GONNA WIN ANYWAYS. why didnt you go away after the election in 2000.

can somebody PLEASE tell me why i am discussing american politics? doesnt it infuriate you that i digress in every one of my blog posts? am i doing it just so i can use the word digress? am i?

other random comments and my response to them:
"your not funny" - i hate you
"your funny about once a week" - i hate you too
"shut up a****" - no
"Your blog is so entertaining...haha...its pretty good! Keep up the good work! =)" - thanks gladys! i will dont you worry (note - comment was slightly trimmed down)
"kwan is gay" - ... okay that wasnt an actual comment. but its the obligatory reference that everyone voted for.

so in conclusion, i'm gonna keep blogging randomly, with an effort to deliver a pun/picture/reference to kwans gayness included in most posts. my posts will continue to mostly be on the "mean" side, with lots of sarcasm and very little wit (so i've been told), so if thats not your cup of tea, go to london, cuz my parents tell me they make one mean tea there.

my non-existant secretary was running late today. in fact he, no wait, she (its my story) is still not in. and since i have pretty much finished my work for today (yes, it is about 10:10am), i have decided to sift through my emails myself.

i come across this "rogers celebration announcement", showing me some company accomplishments over the last month or so. here was the first one:
"6000: total number of slices of cake distributed to Campus, CBU, and RBO Call center employees in Ontario, New Brunswick and Newfoundland".

*almost chokes on the clodhopper i'm munching on*

so you're telling me i'm sitting here like a CHUMP eating clodhoppers while rogers was busy giving away cake? and not just giving, SHIPPING IT TO NEWFOUNDLAND? if those newfies deserve cake, i sure as heck deserve cake. where was i at this big cake give-away?!!! and a better question, why is rogers even proud of this? they didnt even try to slip this in the middle of the announcment! right up top! in "you cant miss this" font

cakes for others: 6000
cakes for me : 0

thats alright...i'm okay...so i keep reading. a little further down, i come across:
"30: the number of anniversary birthday cakes sent to the media in each of our coverage areas."

*spits out the water that was used to wash down the clodhopper that almost choked me*

cakes for others: 6030
cakes for me : 0

so now ppl not even working for the company gets cake too? now i'm pissed. but i digress. i have a free bbq courtesy of rogers for me today. so i guess i cant complain right? wrong. they aren't giving out cake. so here's what i'm gonna do. i'm gonna eat my worth in ice cream. but a**** wont you mouth/brain freeze over? good point. i guess u cant have ur cake and eat it too.

speaking of that, have you ever thought to think about that statement? i've tried using it, but everyone just tells me that it doesnt make sense. so i'm gonna break it down for you right now so that it'll be broke.
this statement is trying to get across the point that you cant use something up and have it to enjoy at the same time.
*thinking*
its a good point most of the times, but i'm not convinced this applies to cake.if i'm eating my cake, i'm enjoying it at the same time. i dont need to enjoy it afterwards because i'll be piss full and regretting that i ate that much cake in the first place. and if i'm throwing the cake at somebody's face, the video footage will give me enough amusement to last me a lifetime even after the cake has been demolished due to the cake meeting the face.



i think its safe to say that he's enjoying his cake and eating it too. now if only i had some of that (taking cake away from a baby?...thats a post for another day)

after 7 days of deliberation, the members of the jury in the michael jackson case found him not guilty on all charges. note the fact that i personally called this not-guilty verdict before hand
*holds for applause*
*cricket sounds*
this family of con artists was simply trying to grab as much money/attention as possible from this spectacle of a trial. that was clear to me, as clear as black is from white.
pun..not intended. enough people joke about whether or not he's black or white. i honestly dont really care. but i would like to point out that he pulled a "reverse R Kelly" type move. just check this out:



seriously, i need to start a course for musicians that'll teach them NOT to make songs related to things they have done/will do that is just straight up damaging to their images. unless you're a rapper. cuz somehow ppl can talk about how much they get shot up/deal drugs/or how gangster they are and sell billions of albums. meanwhile a respectable artist like Talib Kweli will never ever make it big even if "JUST BLAZE" shows up in his wicked kick @$$ music video.

hm, this post really had no direction. wasnt much of a "thriller" either (PUN INTENDED). just wanted to give a heads up on some upcoming posts im working on:
- the poll results... i still have yet to do a commentary on that thing, altho i've been tryin to adjust my blog posts as per the results (read carefully...u'll find what u voted for)
- thuganomics 101 coming up ... hopefully! this is an exciting undertaking. for me. cuz if you read the last paragraph up to the word "rapper" and skipped it, you probably could care less.
- i am NOT WEIRD...whoever has been spreading stories about me, CEASE and DESIST. its one thing to have your friends call you weird or a jerktard (or in kwans case, queer and a fruittart...sorry kwan, the ppl did vote...its not necessarily my opinion of you), but when ppl you havent seen in a good month, and havent talked to much EVER start calling you weird, its just (for a lack of better words), WEIRD

im out, like the etroit pistons.

hey what happened to nba's 2004 defending champions, the "etroit" pistons? they seem to be missing the D needed to win.

thank you foxsports...that was just way too clever.

i walked into work today to find a fundraising package on my desk. i was left wondering why this did not go through my non-existant secretary before i realized that i did not actually have a secretary, and therefore i need to hire one. so if you have nothing to do between the hours of 8:30-4:30, give me a call at 935-7685. and yes that is my real number, just dont call asking for "chris michael" because i will go bananas on you.

*# of DIFFERENT ppl that have called my number asking for chris michael = 5"

as my secretary, you will not only have the honor of sorting through dumb emails, and answering all my phone calls, or chris micahels phone calls, but you will also have the priviledge of smacking me on the back of my head everytime i tangent on my blog posts (also known as digressing)

back to the fundraising thing. naturally, i had to read it, just to make sure it wasnt anything important. rogers is actually trying to raise money for kids. apparantly if i donate 2 dollars, i can supply a child with a calculator.
go ahead, read that last sentence again...i'll wait

*waiting*

here's the thing. i'm not sure if i want the kids representing the 'future of canada' using two dollar calculators.
well why is that a****? isnt it very economical?
if you add 1 to 5 on a two dollar calculator, you get 7.
if you subtract 1 from 5 on a two dollar calculator, you get 7.
if you try to do those two operations back to back on a two dollar calculator
without giving the calculator 10 minutes of rest, the calculator will overheat and blow up.
if you want to multiply 20 by 4, you'd hafta use all your geniousness to figure out that there was a typo on the multiply key, and it came out as "z" because the z key is conveniently located beside the x key on a keyboard.
if you divide by zero on the two dollar calculator, it will automatically add you to the database for stupid children because everyone knows it is not theoretically possible to divide by zero, just like how it isnt theoretically possible to give 110%.
i would much rather have a kid pound out 3+8 on a piece of paper or on their fingers, and be satisfied with their hard work instead of patting themselves on the back for getting a 7 to show up on a small calculator screen.
if you add that (ha) to the fact that two dollar calculators DONT EXIST, then you have one big scam of a fundraiser.

in the category of "bonehead move of the month", i managed to completely forget about the mtv movie awards that aired last night. luckily i taped the replay of it. instead i went to the theaters (how coincidental, miss the movie awards to go see a movie). has anyone else noticed the ridiculous pricing of concession stand food/drinks at theaters?
*collective groan at the over-discussion of this topic*
i mean you'd be stupid NOT to buy the JUMBO FAMILY SIZED POPCORN VALUE PACK because its only 50cents more than the medium (which sells for a grand total of like 10 bucks)
AND to top it all off, the advertisement shown just before the start of my feature presentation (they showed "feature presentation! to get me all excited, then pulled a quick one by slipping one more ad in there) was a campaign tryin to derail illegal dvds and downloading of movies. so after paying 10 dollars to get in the door and sitting there with my CRATE of popcorn, they have the nerve to tell me not to buy illegal movies because that takes away from the movie industry. I THINK YOU'RE TARGETTING THE WRONG GROUP OF PEOPLE. maybe you should show this ad to the people sitting in front of their computers downloading movies instead of the people that paid to sit in your theatre and eat your ridiculously priced food.

but i've digressed (i think i used it right here)

i have since read up on all the mtv festivities missed (kinda defeats the purpose of me taping i know...sue me). i need someone to explain to me how Napoleon Dynamite beat out Kill Bill vol2 or The Incredibles for movie of the year? did somebody take "gosh you can do whatever you want" out of context and vote 2 billion fazillion times for this movie? because from what i remember, i was slightly pissed off after watching napoleon not-so-dynatmite.

and apparantly they award somebody for the "most frightened performance". because i think awarding people for looking scared the entire movie would be stupid, i assume this award is for the most FRIGHTENING performance. frighningly bad.

again i've digressed (this word is awesome!...has my vote for word of the year, which will probably be beat out by a stupid boring word like blog, or car"

i've figured it out. everybody "voted for pedro", cuz they thought it'd be funny, and it turns out those votes counted towards napoleon dynamite. i hope each and every one of ya has an uncle rico that'll throw a well deserved steak in your face (please dont ask me who uncle rico is...just watch the movie, oh wait...dont, because after u'll regret not watching that paint dry on some random wall you walked by).

*sidenote* i always thought a 'vote for pedro' shirt or hat was cool, but i definitely could not pull that off. especially not after bashing the crap out of the movie.

*endnote (i promise i'm done after this)* i actually didnt buy any popcorn last night. i still think the food pricing is insane though.
AND (dont you just love connecting words that allow me to continue to ramble)
today will probably be the last day i leave that poll up. so please go voice your opinion. as long as you dont vote for frickin (or 'flick'-in ... cuz its a movie...get it?) pedro. as pdiddy would say, vote or die! and as the rest of you now are all saying, "shutup a****". feel free to choose that option on the poll.

*edit*
really, i'm sorry...but i just found this out and i thought you should know. guess who napoleon dynamite was produced by? .... MTV FILMS ...

this post is rated R (ha...if you keep reading you'll get it)
but b4 i do go on, this post is mainly about music, so if u could care less about my "black" music, and dont want to hear the harsh words i hafta say, then feel free to navigate away from this page to a mellow-er blog that is quality reading suitable for anybody. may i suggest clicking on the "mike kwan" link.

i like to wake up to music. to hear john mayer/kanye west tell me to "go...go, go, go" or to hear luda yell "stand up", gives me hope that the day will be good. the past week though, the only song i recall waking up to is R Kelly's "trapped in a closet".

just in case you were wondering, there are 5 parts to this song. each part is a whole song in itself (3-4 minutes give or take), and if you guessed that the song is about R Kelly being trapped in a closet, go on, pat yourself on the back. He's in the closet hiding from the husband of the chick he is sleeping with.

Good for you R. Writing a song about having sex with people you are not supposed to be having sex with. Next time you decide to pull a stunt like this, make sure your not about to stand trial for rape or child porn. i mean, cmon, someone in his camp should've pulled him to one side and told him maybe this was not the direction they should be taking at this point of his career.

But i digress (i like the word digress...i dont really care if i'm not using it correctly)

in part 1 of 5, R gets caught in the closet. SO WHAT THE HECK ARE THE OTHER FOUR PARTS GONNA BE ABOUT? is this some sick joke? do i look like i'm laughing? it quite possibly is just that. a joke. a song we'd expect to see on chappelle show, except R beat them to the punch, thinking

"They all gonna make fun of me anyway, so if I make an album full of material for them, they won't be laughing at me, they'll be laughign with me."

good try, but what ur actually doing is reminding the general public of what a sick perv you are.

here's theory number two as to why this song was released. every now and then, an artist will release crap to the public to reassure his/her stance that "i can release anything and ppl will buy it up cuz they love me". and it WORKS. or else i would not be hearnig this darned song EVERY MORNING.

i used to sing along to r kelly, with hit songs such as "i believe i can fly" or "worlds greatest". but now after, "trapped in a closet" and "sex in the kitchen", i sing no more.

wait a second, "TRAPPED...in a closet", "SEX...in the kitchen"? i see a THEME!!! his songs include a verb, followed by something you can find in a house! in fact, i'm gonna go out on a limb and predict the title of the album to be "the house of R Kelly" at which point i will buy the album, then FLUSH ... it down a toilet.

would somebody please explain to me how one releases a gospel-ish album, then follows it up with these two songs?

i hope he burns himself on a stovetop while attempting to do his dirty business in the kitchen...or traps himself in a closet forever.

now my coffee is all cold from writing this exhaustive post. add that to the list of reasons i now hate r kelly.

in my great haste yesterday to fit in a half an hour nap before worship practice, i made the mistake of scarfing down half a pizza, fresh from my oven, in about 5 minutes.

the number one food to burn the roof of your mouth with, (good for you if you guessed pizza, good for you) the sizzling cheese that so happens to grace the top of a pizza. now i know.
so i'm sitting here writting up this blog post with my mouth wide open like i'm a panting dog because i have psychologically tricked myself into thinking that having my jaw hanging down like a retard will make my mouth heal faster.

its times like these when i wished somebody had published a "worst case survival guide for burning mouths". instead, some idiot of a writer decided to pen this instead:



sorry, what?! GOLF?
hypothetical scenario number 1:
"ahh! i'm sinking! who filled the bunker with quicksand?!"
hypothetical scenario number 2:
person1 - "idiot! you accidentally hit me a your sandwedge, now i cant feel my leg!"
person2 - "it wasnt an accident"
hypothetical scenario number 3:
while reading the "worst case survival guide to golf" in order to rectify scenario 1 or 2, you get run over by a golf cart going about 5 miles an hour.

thats it. i'll write the friggin book for burning mouths. if anyone else wants a copy, please make your cheques out to A**** Y*. thats A****, with two a's.

edit
okay i dont hate you pizza. a 2 dollar chillatte has numbed the pain party that was happening in my mouth. maybe i can continue to subdue the pain with different products, like "suet goh loi mah chee" (lookin at you dry i mean dre), or "yogurt blended fruit drinks (hook me up ice cream maker girl)

oh upon further research i have discovered that there is a "Surgical Intern Pocket Survival Guide". i'll let you make your judgement on this book.

it took me that long, my whole miserable existance, but i got her. man is there ANYTHING google cant do?

what i'm mumbling about

of course, cairo. i should've known.

Yes, it is technically possible to use 1000 hours in 45 days.
It would leave you 80 hours of non-computer time in your month and a half.
You now have 1 hour and 45 minutes each day that are non-AOL.
Let’s keep you sane — you can sleep an hour a day. Leaves 45 minutes.
Eating, even if mostly done in front of the computer, is going to take some time going back and forth to the kitchen and wiping crumbs off the keyboard. 15 minutes more, down to half an hour.
Basic bodily functions, (even if you skip showering for six weeks) will take another 15 minutes a day if you really conserve trips.

That leaves you 15 minutes to yourself per day, time you can use to sit back, close your eyes, and reflect on what an absolute freaking loser you are.

meanwhile, your friends, or your former friends, will be wondering why you went AwOL (ha)

google has officially launched "operation be the best thing in the world", attempting to take away that title from coffee and all things coffee related. their aim? saturate the market with tons and tons of products/services.

of all the ridiculous things it could've released, google decided to go for the Google Gulp, its very own smart drink, in 4 exciting (ha! its a pun if you care to read the product details) flavors.

to get your very own google gulp, you must know someone who has first obtained this product so they can give you the cap, which you then exchage at select retailers for the actual gulp. "And if you don't know anyone who can give you one, don't worry – that just means you aren't cool." - google. not only do my poll results indicate that i'm a loser, now google is telling me i'm not cool.

in an attempt to verify this fact, i utilized another google feature, Google Sets. this allows a user to type in a few related items, and it will output the rest of the items in the same set. so i typed in a**** y*, along with loser, and some of the results: "failure, good for nothing" and my personal favorite: "Soul Suckin' Jerk".

slightly irritated at all the a**** bashing going on, i decided to play around with google sets, typing in "grumpy bear" and "bedtime bear" (carebears for all you poor children that never got a chance to watch), and amongst the result, i got a carebear that never made the cut, the "birthday bear". who i imagine would have a cake on its stomach...and its magic power? it would make you feel OLD, thus leading to depression, making you a vulnerable target. OR it would sing the birthday song, except it would imitate a group of people singing it (everyone sings in a different octave and key...and everyone's voice cracks on that high part causing mirrors to shatter) i wonder why that bear was never on the show.

now slightly perplexed, i went back to tryin to invalidate my "uncoolness", by asking(yes another unbiased source), Google Answer. This is a pay service, so i actually didnt get to ask my question ("am i cool?"). but i browsed around some questions asked. Most people, if they had to pay, would try their best to maximize the service. Some others decided to screw around and ask questions like:
What is the answer to this question?
Celebrites with Dandruff?
Do you like girls?

so i never did get an answer to my question, maybe that'll be next poll for my site visitors. altho, i'm pretty sure i know the results to that. jerks.

okay, so google gulp is not actually real, it was an april fools joke by google, i just thought ppl would find it amusing...i did

a store i passed by today while up in highway 7 fob-town, had this written on their store front: "all foods no msg!". in other words, "our food is completely tasteless, please come in!" ... of course the store was empty. except for the owner, who was seated at one of the two tables available in the store. hey, here's an idea, why dont you CORRECT YOUR GRAMMAR on your store front, and maybe add a lil flavor to your food. unfortunately, i was not in the mood to pass on this valuable business advice to him as i was busily hunting down a store that would give me bubble tea.
(wow now i know i'm gonna have ppl correcting my grammar, and spelling)

i did end up finding a store to give me bubbletea, altho it had its awkward moments. the second i wandered in, i was asked in chinese "lei yiw mut yea ah?", to which i managed to mutter "a small green apple bubbletea please". i think they were caught off guard with my english response, and then started to treat me like an idiot. "green apple or granny apple?". "would you like the bubbles?". "what size?". all normal questions, just it seemed very...condescending at times, racist bubbletea owners. i then proceeded to drop the change given to me on the floor...i could swear i saw that person making my bubbletea stiffle a laugh. jerk. if she ever reads my blog, i just wanted to let her know her bubbletea SUCKS.

vote away (on the sidebar...near the links...or on the bottom of the page if ur using firefox for some odd reason)! please please please! the only one time i'm asking for feedback.
not that i dont appreciate the harsh comments left on my blog.

i could make up some lame duck excuse about not having the time to blog a real blog today thanks to the sudden exponential increase in work i experienced today, but... nah.

why do i appease whiners?! first with the whole "additional awards", and now with my second post of the day?
actually i'm not even sure if mr.whiner-of-the-day just wanted another post for one of my brilliant puns because he thought the pun in my first post was lacking.
well u want a second post, u get one. but here's the first one:


and the second one:



HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, or A-POLES (ha). this should deter you from demanding posting from me anymore, i post SO MUCH! i am in fact good for a read everyday i'm here at rogers! and i HAVE double posted b4 (big mistake..i set a bad precedence), but i cant possible keep this up everyday! even my brilliant-blog-post-filled mind can run dry if u dont pace it.

*sigh* brilliance being abused. altho it balances out my non use while workin..i mean not working

my mother is very good at brewing up some concoction of a chinese herbal magic potion that tastes bad, but supposedly helps me get better. here's how it works.

you drink it.
your brain processes that it tastes like crap.
your body learns to never get sick again in fear of having to drink that again.

its sorta like that shock therapy where you shock somebody everytime they do something wrong. i think i'm gonna take this process one step further. for every day that i'm NOT sick, i'm gonna give myself a tim hortins donut/muffin/danish/cookie

on a side note, if you're a fan of ice blended drinks, such as a starbucks frappucino or a timmies ice cap, then may i refer you to second cup every wednesday, where their chillates are now two bucks. just, dont make the mistake of getting vanilla bean flavor, which kinda tastes like the vanilla's been (ha) sitting in the store for too long.

From :
Sent : May 31, 2005 3:30:48 AM
To : forceberg21@hotmail.com
Subject : COMPANY AGENTS NEEDED

Dear Sir

I'm Mr Wang Chang Vice President, Kochi Inter-trade and Co. We are a company who deal on mechanical equipment, hardware and minerals, electrical products, Medical &Chemicals,light industrial products and office equipment, and export into the Canada/America .We are searching for representatives who can help us establish a medium of getting to our costumers in the Canada/America as well as making payments through you to us.

Please if you are interested in transacting business with us we will
be glad. Please contact us for more information,Subject to your
satisfaction you will be given the opportunity to negotiate your mode
of which we will pay for your services as our representative in
Canada/America

Please if you are interested forward to us your phone number/fax and
your full contact addresse to:

Mr Wang Chang ,
Managing Director.
contact_2222000@yahoo.com.hk

To : contact_2222000@yahoo.com.hk
Subject : RE:COMPANY AGENTS NEEDED

Dear Mr. Wang Chang,
I am not too sure I want to work for a company that deals on chemicals, amongst other dangerous substances. What guarantees would I have if the chemicals I were to be standing on while dealing decided to infiltrate my body and poison me?
Also I am not one for costumes, so I think you will have to find someone else to be in contact with your costumers.

Me