This will totally blow your mind...at 1:10AM in the morning.
Actually, I got it now... and yes the time of the post does not match the time I mentioned above...everything is not what it seems....
*Professor walks to the back of the room and puts on his glasses*
Professor: I can see with these new glasses! This is fantastic!
Student: Are they bifocals?
Professor: No, I'm not quite there yet. Bifocals are for old people.
Student: My mother wears bifocals. *<--- Such an unecessary comment, somebody...take care of this*
Professor: Then your mother is old. *PWNED*
Me: OHHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
*Student sits in silence, I stiffle my laughter*
Addressing my "boring blogs". Hey, if I had time to construct a beautifully written blog with solid points and great examples to back them up, while mixing it all together with some wit and maybe a diagram or two, don't you think I'd be DOING OUR FRIGGIN ASSIGNMENT DUE FRIDAY DEREK!?
Why are people in general so cynical?! Take this question however you want, rhetorical or not. I'm not saying we should fly through life like we're sky high, but it's almost as if we enjoy trudging along in the gutters. With God as my foundation and God's incredible amount of grace, I feel like I can take anything this world throws at me. Except maybe an elephant. I don't think I'd be able to catch an elephant.
I had a dream the other night that I was watching hockey games, and this one goalie on my fantasy hockey team got two straight shutouts in a row. That was it. No ice cream. No new episodes of Scrubs. Just me watching the Avs for a few hours, and pumping my fist every so often. Yes, I am now ready to admit that I have a problem.
Research indicates that this iceberg sings under pressure. Lawyers representing Queen, 2Pac and David Bowie have announced that legal action is pending.
Instead of observing icebergs, would somebody please find out quickly if watching the NHL on TSN makes me smarter than the average bear?
After having a conversation with a high school friend named Cheuk (pronounced Chuck), with whom I haven't had any contact with in the longest time, I decided to dedicate this whole post to Chuck..Norris.
Things you may not have known about Chuck Norris
The chief export of Chuck Norris is PAIN.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "It's BAD LUCK to mess with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris doesnt see dead people. He makes people dead.
Chuck Norris had his own version of Punk'd. Only in his version, he would walk around and roundhouse kick people in the throats.
Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the crap out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong.
Courtesy of Bev, what did 50 Cent say when his grandma made him a sweater?
"Gee, you knit?"
Funny right? Okay, so maybe not THAT funny, but hold on hold on, this may help:
By now, pretty much everyone has their own blog, along with their own xanga, livejournal, typepad, and their "secret" blog. So it's not that big a deal to write up posts for yourself. But you know you're something special when someone else asks you to post on their blog.
So today, if you want to go read my crazy wicked post, then HEAD HERE!
Okay, so its not that crazy. I think I'm just worn out from a very long weekend celebration. Grab a drink, grab a glass! And toast the winner of the annual QSCA Singing Competition.
The month where all the leaves are brown, and the skies are grey. I went for a walk, on a winters day, and I stumbled upon the Kingston Santa Clause Christmas parade.
*rubs eyes and checks the calendar again*
Seems like everyone is gettin an early jump on Christmas. From the aforementioned Christmas parade, to the stores with "Xmas Sale!" signs plastered all over their windows. Who knows, maybe Santa has even jumped the gun and is already on his sleigh here to Kingston to deliver me my two front teeth.
Why celebrate something a month early? By celebrating Christmas early, we have thus neglected holidays that are actually in between now and Christmas because going BACK to celebrate holidays before Christmas would just be a "pity-celebration". So "Bake Cookies Day" (also National Roast Suckling Pig Day) will just be forgotten this year.
*sheds a tear*
Are we attempting to throw Jesus Christ (the real reason we celebrate Christmas thank you all) a "surprise party"? Do you KNOW what omniscient means? Ha, because I know my God has some sense of humor, he'd probably be throwing us a counter-surprise party just to again blow away our catch us off guard and exceeds any expectations we could ever have. That's what he does, takes your expectations, loads them into a cannon, and blows them away.
Alright, so back on track now. What's the reason for throwing an early parade? Don't tell me the weather is too cold in December to throw a parade, because I was out there for 20 minutes yesterday, and I couldn't feel my face after. But in the spirit of ... well I don't know what I was in the spirit of, but what the hey, I was kind enough to overlook the fact that it was mid-November because I was gonna get a friggin parade. And those are always happy fun times.
Until I realized that in Kingston, a parade just meant attaching something to the back of your pickup trucks and driving it down the street at a turtle like pace. Take a look-see:
Apparantly, my not-so-clever pun was not-so-fantastically received. Swing and a miss. I still get two more strikes. Here's the second pitch.
Check out the horses on these cars:
The apartment is rather empty this weekend. I plan to host my very own room crawl, where I frequent a different housemate's room every night this weekend. They may kill me when they find out what I have done, but what they doodily.
If you have some spare time, I invite you to check out the horses on this Ferrari.
187 - 22 = ....
CMON...
I CAN DO THIS
...165
To BE different and to MAKE a difference, that's what I want.
My early morning blogs are usually the most honest. Not that during the rest of the day my pants are on fire, but words just blubber out of my mouth and editting becomes an ideal concept.
Ants eat eye
Alright. I understand the patient not noticing, well cuz you know you can't really see if you're eye is being eaten out. But come on now, someone must've noticed the trail of ants...there's always a trail of ants. Oh nuts, now the visual image is coming...and I'm just about to eat lunch too. Why cruel world, why?
Luckily for this woman, she will no longer be required to read any new books.
Which idiot publisher is actually allowing 50 Cent to make his own books? Street fiction, but featuring actual members of G-Unit? Wait... wait a minute, I have a feeling I know this story. Oh right, its the same story he tells in EVERY SINGLE SONG HE RELEASES.
One more thing, what kinda "thuggin gangsters" writes books? Or wears lab goggles?
Not even gonna bother with this one.
Getting back midterm/assignment marks: Everyone gives you the stereotypical "You'll do better next time" or "No worries, whats done is done, just look ahead" or "Guess you really do suck" "It was your wake up call". I am definitely guilty of this as well. What else am I going to say (please refer to the crossed out comment). As for my marks, no need to worry. I'm keepin my hopes high...by feeding them a steady diet of drugs.
I think it'd be funny to purchase a fake ID or a "fan-ban" DVD/CD with counterfeit bills.
It's funny how time fly,
I'm just havin fun, just watchin it fly by.
You can call me the Watcher.
In honour of the neuroscience course which has cancelled the next three lectures thus allowing me to finish classes before 2:30 everyday for the rest of this week and the beginning of next week, I will teach some material to myself.
Currently learning about the eyes and its corresponding receptors and brain activations and whatnots (is it clear yet that I have no idea what I'm talking about?) That's where that random post with the impossible images came from.
Well here's another thing for you guys to play around with. It IS true that your eyes have the ability to play tricks on you.
Now go on, give this a whirl:
Here is a snippet from Kevin Federline's soon to be released "Ya'll Ain't Ready" single from his also soon to be released album that I didn't care enough to look up the name for.
Steppin' in this game and y'all ain't got a clue
My prediction is that y'all are gonna hate
On the style we create, straight 2008
But I know that you really can't wait
Because people always askin' me when's the release date?
Line by line now:
Steppin' in this game and y'all ain't got a clue: Is he talkin about himself here?
My prediction is that y'all are gonna hate: Nailed it on the spot. Hey, if you knew people would hate, why did you make this album Kevin? Kevin?
On the style we create, straight 2008: 2008? Your flow, no, your non-existant flow was reminiscint of the crap that came out by other crappy rappers I dislike (sorry, coming up with massive blanks here...a couple hours of Clue will jumble your brain better than any word jumble can ever jumble...has anyone ever used the word jumble three times in a sentence before?)
But I know that you really can't wait: When nature calls, nature calls buddy.
Because people always askin' me when's the release date: Cuz they want to know when they go all out in the making-fun-kevin department.
If you ever have the priviledge of attending one of these free dinners, I mean, information sessions, take this checklist in with you and see how many of the underlined phrases show up. Just think of it as a game to keep you awake through the usually not exciting sessions.
*another fun game to play is to count how many times they mention the company name*
"Here at *insert company name*, we require communcation and teamwork skills. As a fast growing company, we need to constantly recruit cream of the crop students.
One of the greatest satisfactions working at *insert company name* is that we balance work and social life. In fact we have our very own social committee that provides you with sports teams, beer nights, skydiving and other exciting adventures. If you want to do something and we don't currently offer it, gather a group of people and we will provide you with the resources to carry it out. And to top it all off, here at *insert company name* foosball tables.
You will most definitely be challenged. Even though you are still technically students, we will treat you as any other full-timer. Of course, you won't be expected to know everything coming in, and you will definitely be given orientation and training. At *insert company name* invest in people.
I have personally loved my time at *insert company name* and would recommend everyone to apply there today! *insert company name*. It is the doorway to an exciting career. Any questions?"
In fact I do have a few questions. Personally I am a very non-self driven person and would like nothing more than to curl up in a corner cubicle far away from most everyone else and use only what I have learned in school and my limited experiences outside of school. I tend to minimize any chances of having to communicate with anyone other than my computer, and yes I do refer to my computer as a person. What would you say my chances are of fitting in with your company?
Second question. Why did you mention your company name so many times? Are you afraid that you would forget which company you were working for?
And one more thing. When did skydiving and foosball become so cool? I sure missed the boat on these two things.
A post about pirates without using any pirate jokes? Is it even possible? Let's attempt.
Modernized Pirates
Who knew that pirates were still around? I mean besides us pirateers of "free" music and movies? Oh wait, another post, another day.
Does this mean I can become a pirate now? Where do I sign up? AND most importantly, does this mean I can start using words/phrases like 'avast' and 'shiver me timbers'?
If I were ever to be a pirate, I doubt I would be using them RPG's. I mean what fun is that? I'm not a militant, I'm a PIRATE. With the crappy sword, parrot on my shoulder and wooden stub as a leg. Oh, don't forget the eye patch over the perfectly fine eye. Cuz if you're gonna be a pirate, you gotta go all the way.
So if pirates are still around, does this mean the samuri and ninja's are still running around doing battle with the forces of evil (or good)?
I NEED SOME ANSWERS.
...
Still waiting for that pirate joke huh? You aren't gonna get one (I could've sooo thrown one in there with the word "aren't", but I'm sticking true to my word)
...
..
.
So here's whatcha gotta do. The numerical expressions of right of the grid of numbers need to be solved and found in the word, i mean NERD SEARCH. WOOO!!
On your marks get set go. 
Brought to you by the wonderful folks at Foxtrot.
Nursery Styles
Ready, here we go:
Monday's child is fair of face,
Tuesday's child is full of grace,
Wednesday's child is full of woe,
Thursday's child has far to go.
Friday's child is loving and giving,
Saturday's child works hard for a living,
But the child born on the Sabbath Day,
Is fair and wise and good and gay.
I was born on a Tuesday, and I am quite possibly the person least full of grace. You'd be hard pressed to find someone less full of grace...maybe even soft-pressed. In fact, I think I may have a deficiency, does this qualify me for some sort of disability? Maybe a telethon where people raise money for me? Can I bring in a washed up celebrity to prompt people to call that scrolling number across the bottom of my t.v.?
And now cuz its Sunday, I must give a lil schpeel
This thing we call transformation is most definitely real.
Don't let it get you down, it's definitely gonna come around
And when you hear the sound you better hit the ground
Runnin, and never lookin back, cuz when you're called to do somethin
You don't treat it like its nothin
So move it, or you're definitely gonna lose it
Stop storin up things on earth that aren't legit
I don't even know where I'm going with this so I might as well quit
That's it.
What sucks more! Let's play everybody!
Today's contestants are:
"Having a headache" vs "Juggling assignments and tests"
(its hard to find something depicting juggling assignments/test, so I settled for the next best thing, so you can either settle down yourself, or take your wagon and move on west you cowboy)
On your marks, get set, GO~!
*Hello Jim!*
*Well hello there Jack, great day for a race huh?!*
*and they're off! having a headache pulls out to a quick lead*
*oh but juggling assignments is coming in a close second*
*Jim, this has been one pathetic race, I'm leaving*
*Mark? MARK!? NOOOOOOO MARK!!! WHY MARK WHY WH..*
*My name was Jack...*
*MARK! YOU CAME BACK FOR ME*
...
(Anybody else think I've gone crazy?)
*And we're coming down to the final stretch!*
*OH NO! Juggling assignments just dropped the ball!*
*but having a headache keels over and is playing dead...or maybe is dead*
*...folks this is the first time we've had to declare a co-loser*
*you can all go home dissatisfied. because everyone hates ties.*
*yes Jim, I do believe this is what you would call a lose-lose situation*
*groan*
In other news, I'm officially a klutz. Place any item in front of me today and I will either ram my knee into it or trip over it and fall face first into a wall while attempting to keep my balance. Seriously, anything will do. Even if it's a big purple exercise ball.
Does anybody have one of those clever fly electrocutors? You know, where flies will idiodically be attracted to it and then get FRIED? Oh wait, on second thought, I might trip over that as well, so give it to me tomorrow.
Yesterday night, I helped out a friend with his singing contest audition by strumming along on the guitar. He rocked it. All 1 verse and 1 chorus, until they rudely cut him off. And he was just getting to the good part too. It was the equivalent of watching 1/2 of a television show, or reading the preface of a book.
Then they decided to have an "interview" with him, and by interview I mean a totally scripted conversation, here's what I want you to say so look at the camera and say it while I prompt you because I know you're gonna go off course due to the ridiculousness of these questions. Longest rant sentence ever. Give me a second.
*wheezing*
What can I say, I'm slightly out of shape. I digress.
Now just imagine for a second, any reality television show. You know that cheesy introduction where they flash a couple clips of the competitors accompanied by their name? Well they wanted my buddy to do something similar. If I remember correctly, they wanted him to "look away from the camera, and blink".
Needless to say, I was laughing. I almost rolled onto the floor. But if I ridiculed their audition methods, that probably would have cost my friend his shot at winning that home entertainment system, to which I am now entitled a good fifty percent of (that's right, you're dolby digital 5.1 speaker system just became a dolby 2.05, sucker), although I think his looking-away-and-blinking technique may have done him in already. That was just not an adequate blink.
Then to put the cherry on top of the already melting ice cream sundae, they decided to make him stand awkardly and snap "cd cover shots". So some cameraman got all up in his face and started taking pictures at a rate that would've made sound waves jealous. And I be like, "Yo, why you gotta be frontin like dat?" (first and last time I ever use ebonics..I promise)
Okay maybe I was too busy attempting to stiffle my urge to burst out into laughter to actually say that. But if I could turn back the hands of time and do it all again, ... no I'd still be too busy laughing.
"I don't like it unless it's brand new."
One would think that the artists writing a song about how they don't like it unless its brand new would attempt to use new RHYMES and BEATS.
*hits the crossbar...hits the post....NO GOAL*
And I quote:
"Cuz this just an old beat he had laying around."
Very clever. Very funny. Thank you Kanye for making me laugh.
Rhymefest ft. Kanye West - Brand New
The only thing that's brand new around me is this slice of apple pie (thx JayLo). Fresh out of the microwave pie. Mmm-Mm. Meanwhile, I'm back here playin the same old procrastination game. Beam me up a brand new work-ethic, Scotty.
