*Preface - It's essay time again! Which means I totally cheat on my posts! It could be argued that the content actually improves. I would be on the "yes, yes it does" side of that debate.
Jim Carrey. Conan O'Brien. Max Weinberg. Quantum Physics. Let's go.
Readership of Stupefying Stupidity, I have a couple questions for you.
Do you like your beat down low?
Do you prefer your top let back?
Are you convinced you can make it rain?
Is your money so sick, you need to see a doctor?
Do you feel washed up like money that's laundered?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, or even more tellingly, if you don't understand the questions, then welcome to the club that thinks that today's hip hop music is a whole lot of ignorant garbage, more specifically, just a whole bunch of words strung together usually about absolutely nothing, unless its the odd song about money, misogyny, or chicken noodle soup (with that soda on the side). Yet there's something so undeniably attractive about it. And I love it like good food.
And the president of this wonderful club, yours truly, Buttug McOysty. I'm hot cuz I'm fly. You ain't, cuz you not.
Have my standards gone the way of T.I.'s preferred beats (down low, if you didn't catch that earlier)? Possibly. But I would argue that music has always had its fair share of clowns running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Now is no different, and if you search long and hard enough, there is still good music to be found. And taste is highly subjective, although that could also be debated. Everything can be debated. I make it a point to debate any and everything. But that's neither here nor there.
I'm talking about the most ignorant songs, ones usually found in clubs (not that I'd know, but I know people that know, and they know to let me know, ya know?), that you'd probably have to read the lyrics thrice over to find out exactly what they were mumbling about. Not that most people in the clubs care anyways, I'd hazard a guess that they're not there to discuss the consequences of a faulty foreign policy.
Think about it this way. Imagine an uninspired, if not dragging, episode of The Apprentice. Teammates are bickering, Donald Trump is stating obvious business lessons such as, "Teamwork is important, I like team players, please don't look at my hair", and trying to be overly confident to cover for his comb over. One team is head and shoulders (no shampoo) above the other team. Then they cut to a Subway commercial with that jerk Jared Fogle proclaiming the dietary wonders of a Subway sub. Kill me now. All of a sudden, the glorious Alec Baldwin makes a guest appearance, instantly making the show not only watchable, but borderline likable. You stay glued to the edge of your seat for the rest of the show, hanging onto every word and action Sir Alec says or makes.
Unintentionally hilarious lines are the Alec Baldwin's of otherwise horrible rap songs. It's why I still listen to music.
*Side-note* - Only in hip-hop can you get away with a chorus/hook that consists of the artist spelling out their name, or the title of the song, or a significant word. I would really like to see John Mayer try to pull this off.
"I'm fly like an eagle, but no I'm not Donovan,
Boy you better go eat some soup with your mom and them."
Did he actually say anything? No. But he just poked fun at a soup commercial!
High-larious.
Apologies for the horrendous quality of the video, it was the first one that popped up only one I could find.
Google does this thing where it scans emails (and search requests) and tailors the advertisement section over on the right hand side based on keywords entered. Targeted ads, instead of the shotgun approach often found in spam emails.
During the course of my daily emailing, I was discussing the possibility of presenting someone with a pink polo shirt.
After finishing up the email, I allowed my eyes to wander a tad to the right, and sandwiched between "Promotional Clothing" and "Wholesale Merchandise", was this thoughtful little ad:
The highly esteemed broadcasters at FOX have decided to answer this question. They do this by bringing on the dumbest dolt who doesn't mind being embarrassed on national television for a quick buck. They proceed to ask said person ten questions randomly selected from ten different subjects a fifth grader would be taught, or have been taught in the past, in any public school institution. Theoretically.
I say theoretically because if I was a fifth grade teacher, I definitely would not teach my kids about astronomy. I mean, talk about a volatile subject. I heard last year, a group of people got together and decide Pluto wasn't good enough to be a planet anymore. How can I teach that?
The contestant can choose to answer the questions, correct answers being rewarded monetarily, or they can choose to walk away with whatever money they have amassed to that point.
If the contestant incorrectly answers a question but has previously answered 5 questions correctly, they leave with $25000. If they have not answered 5 questions yet, they leave with nothing. Either way, they are obligated to look into a camera and say the punchline, "I am not as smart as a fifth grader." They'll try to play it off like it's no big deal, but you can see that they just died a little bit inside. And I would fast forward every episode just to watch a person deliver this sad statement.
It makes me giggle.
Of course, to help out the poor uninformed contestant, there are lifelines that include "copying off a fifth grader". There are five different fifth graders and each can only help with two questions at a time. Meaning the contestant chooses which student will be eligible to "cheat off of" every two questions. Also meaning that one poor kid will be chosen last (most of my previous team sports' memories), or worse yet, some kids may not be chosen at all (the rest of those memories).
Sounding eerily similar to "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"? I concur that it's a little sad that we're still spinning off a game show that debuted in 1998. But that's not my point here.
I want to know ...
WHERE I NEED TO GO, OR WHO I NEED TO TALK TO, IN ORDER TO SIGN UP.
There's really nothing more satisfying than pwning a bunch of kids. And walking away with a bucketful of cash.
I will now elaborate, clarify, magnify, exemplify and conclude my point with this:
*Preface - I haven't really really posted since last week, and I don't foresee myself posting again anytime this week, at least nothing substantial, so you may want to read half of it and come back tomorrow to read the rest. Beggars can't be choosers. So think of this post as two/three in one*****. At least in terms of length. Each post I write up is already assigned a quality rating of infinity. And you can't add infinity to anything. Unless you're Jack Bauer, then you can add infinity to anything. Twice.
I started this post in February, but I only got around to finishing it in March. It's really that long.
I originally planned to preface this post by explaining the gist of the following hypothetical interview, but I figured if you didn't get it, you'd just leave an angry comment and we'd all be happier that way, or at least I'd be. And, I'm not one to delete content from my posts, even if it is a measly preface.
*preface sulks away*
I'm sorry preface, I didn't truly mean you were measly. Honestly! When I tell a joke, only 50% of it is actually true! I only half meant it! Please, come back! I miss you!?
*sad quivering violin background music*
School's almost out and you still haven't found a job. Don't panic just yet, a super-hero that hasn't discovered his power yet (that's the only reason I have yet to be cast on the television show Heroes) is here to help. Here's how a job interview with yours aawesomely, ButtugMcOysty, would hypothetically go. Feel free to model yourself after me, as I totally jacked this off a site that was Digg'd all the way to the top. I'm paying it forward. A lot of Internet Intellectual Property of mine has been jacked recently. Another post, another day, perhaps tomorrow. On an unrelated note, I tend to get marks deducted for not citing properly on scholarly essays. Who'da thunk'd it!
Interviewer: So, McOysty, tell me a little about yourself.
Interviewee: Because they'll roll and they can't fall down the hole. And because manholes are round.
Interviewer: Um, okay, how about your most recent project?
Interviewee: Turn on two switches, wait a while and turn one off. If the bulb is on, it's the one left on. If the bulb is off and warm, it was the one you switched off. Otherwise it's the one you didn't touch.
Interviewer: How big was the team you were on?
Interviewee: You don't bury survivors.
Interviewer: Uh, what was your contribution to the team?
Interviewee: Light both ends of fuse one and one end of fuse two. When fuse one burns out, light the other end of fuse two.
Interviewer: How would you deal with adding a feature to a late project?
Interviewee: A and B cross, A comes back, C and D cross, B comes back, A and B cross.
Interviewer: How would you handle a conflict between coworkers?
Interviewee: They're seven and a half degrees apart.
Interviewer: What programming languages are you most comfortable with?
Interviewee: Sometimes I'm too much of a perfectionist and I expect too much from my teammates.
Interviewer: You're hired.
Since the title of the post does not necessarily constrain this post to be about high-tech brain-teaser interviews, I will now cleverly transition into helping people get ready for med-school interviews. They get asked about current events and opinions on them (from what I hear, I've never actually been interviewed by a medical school, I was too busy saving multiple lives in the OR*).
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