*I'm prefacing the preface - I just reread this post I wrote about a month ago, and I was mildly disappointed by myself. But I'm going to throw it up anyways, so y'all can share in my disappointment.

*Preface - It would've been nice if I could claim that this post was carefully crafted during the somewhat prolonged verbal absence of me on this blog. But it wasn't. It all came pouring out one night while watching the Suns get Spurned (PUN). But this is long. In fact, there are unconfirmed reports from space that this is about as long as the Great Wall of China. I say unconfirmed because we can't even safely send astronauts up there anymore. FOAM!? Seriously!? Shouldn't we be synthesizing some hybrid metal/plastic material instead of using FOAM? Am I the only one that sees this? I bet crazy scientists are probably too busy concocting healthy carbonated drinks to worry about the "final frontier". Oh. For real?

You know that feeling you get when you're minding your own business, happily typing away on your ergonomically correct keyboard? You catch the reflection of a flicker of movement on the right-hand corner of your monitor. Then an unmistakable slow, steady and subdued breathing frighteningly close that sends chilling shivers down your spine?

You do!?

Me too!

It's been quite the adjustment period after one year of an entire cubicle to myself, having somebody else move into my space (no creepy Internet networking site). Not to say that he's a bad guy (quite the contrary), but I equate this experience to that of an arranged marriage (no Brokeback).

The transition could only have been made easier if the following two things had happened. One, I should have figured out his name in a friendlier (I glanced at his computer login screen while he was away) and quicker (it took me three full days, I completely zoned out during the formal introduction) manner.

His last name uses every letter of the alphabet. Twice. I'm exaggerating only slightly. And this is not an excuse. I'm just saying.

Two, ground rules should have been laid down. I'm here to rectify this mishap.

Things You Need To Know To Functionally Coexist In A Shared Environment With Me

1. There is absolutely no talking to his aawesomeness before his aawesomeness has had his coffee.
This is self-explanatory.

2. There is limited talking to Buttug McAawesome in between his coffee and lunch time.
Life-threatening situations that require the use of verbal communication is now permitted, but if situation is deemed non-life-threatening, all spoken words will be treated like gas that has been passed by myself in a situation where one is unsure if anyone has noticed, IGNORED.

3. Speaking of gas...
There is to be absolutely none dealt in the cubicle. Consequently, there is to be none smelt in the cubicle.

4. Your friends, are not my friends.
Tell your friends to meet someplace other than in our cubicle. I've met them, and am under no obligation to like them. If you feel the need to see aforementioned friends, please arrange visitation elsewhere. I have enough friends (four), I don't need any more.

That came off too harsh. I mean to say, a revolving door of friend's dropping by on an alternating 15 minute schedule send my productivity levels to a new deep (no John Mayer). Coordinate a schedule that leaves me a good portion of any given hour for work.

This has been a public service announcement.

Thank you.

(Oh, we're not done yet?)

5. Close Turn off the lights at the end of the day.
There's nothing worse than being rudely greeted in the morning by bright xenon lights while still groggy and slightly teary eyed from a not-enough-night-of-sleep. And I'm sure something could be said about conserving energy and being environmentally friendly. But I won't say it until Greenpeace pays me to.

6. Take a different lunch break than me please.
Everyone could use a little time to themselves. It's not enough that I come in a little earlier and leave a little earlier.

7. Don't play solitaire.
As a full fledged nerd (which you have to be to be working at the company), you should have progressed from am amateur game like solitaire to at least Freecell, if not Spider Solitaire, or the game I affectionately call (but personally have no experience with) hacking-other-people's-computers!

I also enjoy a good round of sleeping soldiers. One of the best board (bored?) games ever invented.

8. Don't mind me.
I not only like to shuffle my feet every few minutes, fidget often, twirl pens that always end up rattling on the desk because I can't really twirl pens, I also feel the need to get up and stretch, and then remain standing for about 10 minutes, continuing to poke away at the keyboard, before settling back down into the wheelie-chair.

I also tend to listen to music while working, inevitably leading me to quietly, but noticeably, sing along. If it's not music, it's a podcast, where I will most likely burst out laughing for no apparent reason.

Again, rules number 1 and 2 take precedence. But assuming those are not in effect because of the time of day, I still may not choose to justify my actions.

Suck it up. I was in the cubicle first. I've metaphorically peed a rectangle (no comic) around it to mark my territory. My habitat, my habits.