Yesterday someone requested they be "shouted-out" on my blog because it was their birthday. Here at the buttugnoraa's, we do not do shoutouts. In fact if you were to see your name on my blog, you must either have been quite an idiot (done sth that made me exclaim OMGWTFBBQ or me ending up with a 6pack from laughing) or I just have one sick vendetta. So while I explained nicely to this person that "I'd consider", the only things going through my mind were:

Uh-uh.
No way, Jose.
No chance, Lance.
No dice, Condoleeza Rice.
Hell "Opposite of Heaven" no, bro.
Don't think so, yo.
Absolutely not, Dot.
When pigs fly, guy.
You wish, Mish.
You’d have a better chance of seeing the Chicago Cubs beating the Boston Red Sox in the 1987 Superbowl with a last second layup by Tie Domi than ever seeing this occur, sir.
(and my personal favorite...in a guy falling off cliff style)
*deep breath, eyes starting at the ceiling then proceeding downwards to the floor* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ...... splat

There just aint no love in the heart of the city. Where is the love!? But as usual, I need to keep everyone on their toes. And right now, there is nothing like turning 180 on my previous posting habits and being nice.

*Disclaimer - I REALLY am actually going to be nice. Promise. I will pause for pictures, and take your questions after this momentous occasion.

Mike, this is for you

The only way that I like a song made by either Bow Wow (artist formerly known as Lil' Bow Wow) or Ciara (artist that was formerly very pudgy) is if they feature somebody else prominently in their song.

Now you put them together in one song? That equals "I can't stop singing this song". It's driving me a little crazy because I tend to laugh everytime I think about these two artists. And if I drank milk, which I don't, some would be coming out of my nose. Seriously! When did Ciara develop a voice!? She needs to move away from this crunk & b thing, and I'm going out on a limb here, because she has some talent! Or at least some geniouses were able to fiddle enough with one of those high-priced sound changers to make her sound so decent.

So maybe that's what we need to do. Pair up all the jokers and idiots in this world in a blatant attempt to use their mediocrity to cancel each other out.

Today's idiot: Christina Ricci: "I definitely want children, ideally after I'm married, but you can't control everything". - sometime recently.

Today's bonus idiot: Ben Affleck: "I don't know about Daredevil 2. That may be too much work for me. I don't have any idea. I suppose that if Kevin Smith wrote it and was going to be involved, I would do it. But I'm not banging down the door trying to get Daredevil 2 made. You'll know when my career is really on the slide when I start resurrecting the franchise." - Tuesday December the 9th, 2003.

(In non-related news, Daredevil 2 is now projected for a 2006 release. Jennifer Garner, the carrier of Ben's baby, has been rumored to co-star...WHY JENNIFER WHY, did you hear about Gigli? Or about how anything/anyone Ben is associated with somehow internally combusts?)

A movie involving both Christina Ricci & Ben Affleck = Me demanding 3 hours of my life back before I get thrown out of the theatre for demanding too loudly and repeatedly.

I stand corrected, only certain combinations will work. Or is it permutations? And more importantly, does any one care?

And if you add sin+sin+cosine+sin+3 point 1 4 1 5 9... does that equal "the vines"?

Are you ready for it?
I'm almost gonna guarantee that you're gonna lol/rofl/lmao/hmfottciwtbl (hit my face on the table cuz I was too busy laughing)

....

here it comes

...

OVARIES!

I couldn't even type it with a straight face! Whether it's imagining Ralph Wiggum exclaim "ohhhhh my ovaries", or remembering how I had to painstakingly figure out a way to act out this word during a game of charades, there's just something about that word.

Well yesterday, I felt like I got kicked in the ovaries. Of course I don't have ovaries, but I imagine it to be similar to the deep gut-striking pain that came over me as I watched my softball team get mercilessly mauled by a team that had us beat while we watched them during warmups.

And I finally realized one thing that was cheaper in Kingston in comparison to Toronto. And NO, its not me. It's PHO!

Holy cow I need coffee. Where's a "Luke's Diner" when you need one.

1. When you know things need to be done, but the ball doesn't seem to want to start rolling. Or better yet, the ball starts rolling, but backwards, and you end up having to pull an Indian Jones and duck into a random alcove or risk having the ball squash you.

2. My throat feels like sand. I had to shoulder the load of yelling out random phrases at people during practice yesterday. I need fellow hecklers.

3. None of THESE have worked for me.

4. Death.

5. Kwan is gay.

But in an effort to be happier, and because Kwan seems to like my angry posts, and if there's on thing my blog should be doing, it is pissing Kwan off, I must quickly switch it up and be happy.

Have you ever noticed the amount of friend's first names used in my posts? I write under the assumption that the amount of first names mentioned in any particular blog post is proportional to how bad my post will suck.

Speaking of assumptions, I should never assume. Cuz you become a donkey, I become a donkey, and then no matter WHAT i say, no matter HOW TERRIBLE my puns are, u'd hafta laugh because as a donkey, you'd be able to mutter "heehaw"...which is close enough to a laugh for me.

The Leafs finally decided they needed to put their foot down and keep Tie Domi. Because he is that important of a piece to the jigsaw puzzle. I think when the Leafs finally get their jigsaw puzzle together, it'll say "SORRY TRY AGAIN, LOSERS"

think happy thoughts. think happy thoughts.
*humming The Killers - Mr. Brightside*
*now singing out loud "Coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all "

oh this made me happy:
Read Number 3
That's right boys and girls, I'm officially a beast. Call me Godzilla k thx. rawr.

holy smoking-fiddlesticks batman! i DO sound like you mike. Oh shoot son, two first names in one post. Please don't smash me up, I really do prefer compliments, so I compliment at an angle of 90 degrees.

Edit

Apparantly today is bring your baby to work day. I was not informed. Or else I would've brought Kwan into work with me OH BURN YOUR FACE.

I was watching millionaire last night, and buddy had just finished toughing out quite a string of questions and was up to 500,000 going for the big cheese when that STUPID SOUND, which I thought was a clown car horn, sounded, thus signifying that he'd hafta wait for the next show before they ask him the question. In conclusion, I spent half an hour of my time watching a show with NO PAYOFF.

Why didn't the brilliant editors of the show trim some of the other fat in order to fit in the next question! He was ON A ROLL. You don't do that to a guy. Oh I get it, the show doesn't want the guy to win. Greedy corporate America jerks. Yet another example of the little guy getting trampled on.

Flyers sign Forsberg. My heart just broke...when I accidentally ran face-first into the wall while throwing the biggest hissyfit I've thrown this year due to the fact that all the good players have decided to turn their backs to my beloved hockey team.

And the Leafs still suck.

So THIS is what happens when Monday is a holiday (which is generally a great day...unless you went on a vacation to Hell, Norway...cuz then you've been to Hell and back). Your "day-that-screws-you-over-in-so-many-different-and-creative-ways" gets pushed back to another day.

I can only wonder at what is going to happen next. Maybe the Energizer Bunny Rabbit will be arrested for Battery. Chappelle Show may be cancelled for good. Maybe I will snap at somebody that asks me a remotely idiodic question. Maybe I SHOULD snap at somebody that asks me a remotely idiodic question cuz that would certainly look good on my blog. Or maybe I'll just sit here and bathe in my seething furious-ness, huffing and puffing and all.

Oh I know, my computer will be pissy this morning and send out an error message (which is the equivalent of it spitting on me) everytime I attempt to do anything. You wanna check your email? Well there's nothing to check cuz I just deleted your whole mailbox...no...account! Wanna hit the spacebar? I've learned to tune out the spacebar, so NO SPACE FOR YOU! Wanna hit alt-tab so that your boss won't catch you blogging?! I'll lag just enough that your boss will question what she just saw on your screen!

I intentionally let one subway pass me by today so I could get on a less crowded one and hopefully find a seat cuz I'm tired. I didn't end up getting a seat. That also set me back 5 minutes. So walking by second cup, I decided to make myself feel better by getting a two dollar fruizzi.

Except, the deal wasn't on anymore. Apparantly it was only for the month of July. So what is the deal for this month I asked? ... Ice Blended Hot Chocolate.
Ice blended hot chocolate almost sounds oxymoronic to me. How can you have HOT CHOCOLATE COLD? And better yet, WHO in their right mind buys this stuff?

You think you're so cool with your ice-blended hot chocolate? News flash! You aren't. If you want to be cool, go work in an ice factory.

Thank you second cup for ruining my day. At the very least, I have an extra two dollars which can now be classified as "savings". Even if I intend to march down to Tim Hortins after this post and buy myself something chocolate-y. I guess I'm not much of a money-saver. I guess it's okay cuz:

Just before setting out, I had to make a quick run to Loblaws for bottled water. In my haste, I made the mistake of thinking self-checkout would be faster because there was no line. You know what's frustrating? Math. You know what else is frustrating? Self-checkouts. After several attempts to scan it, frozen bacon inexplicably is found leaving your hand and traveling across the supermarket at a rate that disproves both Einstein’s theory of relativity, and Murphy’s theory that pigs can’t fly. That package then naturally strikes the forehead of the person holding up the line in register 10. Natural selection at work.

Mackinac Island - One in every two shops on this island is a fudge shop. Every other shop pretty much sells the same touristy items, t-shirts and the whatnots. Only one fudge shop offered free samples. Naturally, I selected that shop to frequent as:
1. Me
2. Me with sunglasses
3. Me making my little sister go in front as a "shield"
4. Me while the lady manning the store was dealing with other customers
5. Me while the lady manning the store had her back turned

Family Restaurant In "Little Germany" - The kids in our group always get a separate table from the parents. Because they are so ashamed of us. And because having a table of 17 is not always feasible. We also got a separate waiter at this particular restaurant, Mike, who we ended up befriending. We walked away from that restaurant with two spice jars from the kitchen, and discount coupons. Not to be outdone, us kids put together this impressive package consisting of a TTC subway student ticket, a Macs discount card which expires today, an impressive little "Ode To Mike" written on the restaurant comment card, and Canadian Tire money, with the "tire" scratched out ... in a feeble attempt to convince Mike that it was Canadian currency.

White Castle - After several mishaps, including a stop at a White Castle OFFICE, I made it to White Castle and, pardon the pun, ate like a king.

Spanky's Cafe - The namer of this family oriented cafe needs to be given a serious spanking (that was too easy).

Spanky's Sports - Nothing to do with food, but seriously now, WHO IS NAMING THESE STORES. Heads need to roll.

I want Schnitzel. If you're bored try this. Replace any random word with Schnitzel. And try not to laugh while saying Schnitzel.