It wasn't that long ago when I first strolled into the office. Somebody asked me "what's your name?", I held my necklace in her face and said "read the chain".
K maybe not, but on hindsight, that's how I should've done it...and I should really invest in a diamond studded chain that has my name on it.

I’m not really sure why ninja star throwing isn’t taught in the public schools. I rarely use trigonometry in real life, but there are many times in a day, when a well placed ninja star would really fit the bill. For example, let’s say your co-worker comes into your office and won’t stop talking about how their dry cleaner usually messes up the crease up in their favorite pair of blue pants. Would you be able to resolve the situation by identifying where a parabola intersects the y-axis? That’s all I’m saying.

The next co-worker that asks me "where are you going to school" is gonna get this response:
"CLOWN COLLEGE, so I'll see you at your kids next birthday party, and NO don't ask me to juggle, that's a third year course, I've only learned how to fold balloons into...swords... and hot dogs."
And then I'll hurl a ninja star in their back as they walk away puzzled.

Follow me now. If purple was the new blue, then yellow the new purple, then green the new yellow, then pink the new green, then red the new pink, and now blue the new red, then haven't we just gone in a FRIGGIN CIRCLE. And more importantly, does this mean that mullets will make a miraculous comeback?

I need a car that has the windshield in the exact curvature of my prescription. My passengers may get headaches, although I'd be going so fast it wouldn't matter, with me trying to make it through all the interesections before the lights turn blue.

Rogers has taught me:
- I can't throw crumpled paper into a garbage can with an opening of 3 inches, placed 10 feet away for my LIFE.
- 4 flights of stairs is always 4 flights of stairs too much on the way up, and 4 flights of pure fun-ness while jumping down.
- Coffee. Good.
- I am Suduko master.
- Companies may SAY they track your internet activity, but they usually don't.
- There are jobs where you get paid to waste company time and resources.
- I hate you 50 cent. And stupid ads (and advertisers). And 7:00am. And Pittsburgh.

And that is all folks. Feel free to come build a dome around my head and stick a telescope up top if you liked my very random observations over the summer.

I've done had it with this whining and complaining and crying about girls. Look, I've got 99 problems, but nevermind. Here is the one survey to rule them all. Use at your own discretion to screen for future spouses.

Questions:
1. Are you hot?
2. What season of the year has the best music?
3. What is the best Television show ever aired?
4. What do you do on Thursdays at 8/7C?
5. Coffee or Tea
6. It is 4th and short, what play do you call?
7. Who is the greatest basketball player of all time?
8. BSB or N'Sync?
9. What time do you wake up in the morning?
10.If there were a vote for Emperor of the World, who would you vote for?

Answers:

1. Yes
2. Christmas
3. Can't talk, watching Gilmore Girls.
4. Watch the O.C.
5. Coffee
6. FB Dive out of Goal Line, no hesitation
7. Darko Milicic
8. BSB
9. What the heck is "morning"?
10.Will-Get-Jiggy-Wit-It-Smith


0-2 Questions Right: What are you even doing talking to this person?
3-5 Questions Right: You can date them as long as the answer to Question 1 was, "yes, very"
6-8 Questions Right: Take home to the family material...consider yourself lucky.
9-10 Questions Right: Buy an engagement ring right away...better yet, give me her phone number.

Recently, scientists have discovered that garlic is detected in the body by pain receptors.

And you thought that I was the only one in this world that is useless at work. Seriously who goes around experimenting with GARLIC? The last time I checked, ice cream was still melting all over my fingers. Why won't some scientist get on that? And how are my seedless mangoes going?

Switching flavors, the one-million-dollar question for today is: what would you do for a Klondike bar? Presenting to you, another reality show that makes you want to grab that axe you keep in your closet and take one good swing at the TV, before you realize that the TV is your only friend.

"Hi, I'm Regis Philbin."

{applause}

"Thank you. Thank you. That Ehron, huh -- what a crazy guy. Tonight we get to see what crazy things he'd do for a Klondike Bar!"

Okay, I'm not really Regis -- I'm still Ehron pretending to be Regis pretending like this announcement is some sort of pretend reality show reveal. Sometimes I just get so clever.

My cleverness has also allowed me to decipher the meaning of that Hollaback Girl song. HollaBACK spelled BACKwards is, basically, Kabbalah. And Gwen aint no Kabbalah Girl. In fact she thinks that s**t is bananas.

I hope I didn't offend anyone by saying s**t. I am, at some point, going to find a way to offend every single person that reads this thing one by one. I have no idea how I’m going to acheive this, aside to say it will be totally accidental, and a by-product of the fact that I’m pretty much an jerk by nature. Rest assured - your time will probably come and I’m sorry.

At least I'll try my best not to be racist, because I only try to push the boundaries, not cross them. On the other hand, the state of Florida has decided to SUE in order to keep up the racist status quo. Couple this act with your inability to read-a-ballot-good, I now crown you, Florida, the "Dumbest State". And that's saying something, what with Nebraska, and Arkansas, and New Mexico also nominated. DONT TAKE A BOW, it was an INSULT.

*Really Ehron? Florida-sucks-at-voting-jokes? Put the stick down, that horse is dead.*

Last note (is B...because then it wraps back around to C...), I keep forgetting to thank everyone who wished me a happy birthday. I know, it was a bad move on my part and I appologize. Please stop sending me cherry bombs "cleverly" disguised as presents. MY BAD OK?!

If you're out on the road
Feeling lonely, and so cold
...
then...CALL A MEETING!
you can...
See people
Draw flowcharts
Feel important
Form subcommittees
Impress your colleagues
Make meaningless recomendations
Continuously sip loud-and-obnoxiously on your coffee

ALL on company time!
Meetings, the practical alternative to work.

A TV network may decide to air a show about a washed-up H list celebrity, say...Tommy Lee, going to college. If that show ever got on the air, not only would I never watch it, but I’d also fail to acknowledge its existence - then maybe write a post about how I’d never watch a show like it.

Throw your diamonds in the sky if you feel my vibe. Oh wait, throw your diamonds at me. Cuz if I'm the girl everyone claims me to be, then diamonds are my best friend.

Someone please figure out a way for me to leave work between 1:30-2:30 today without getting caught so I can go scream like a girl at a downtown HMV...cuz i'm stumped.

This little journal of mine (I'm gonna let it shine) isn't known for its useful tidbits, or even being useful in any way. In fact, if I had a nickle for every time someone came up to me and slapped me in the face because of my blog, well I would have enough nickles to waste my time on something as ridiculous as this:



See what I mean? You just wasted a good minute of your life reading that first paragraph. And wasted another 10 minutes trying to stack your own coins, only to fail miserably.

That's exactly what my blog does. It FRUSTRATES. Not just you, but it hits me too, especially when you lose a whole post because Internet Explorer decides it wants to not respond. Thank you Microsoft for making an inferior "Micro-software" which requires so many fixes, with more than half of the fixes actually fixing the problem the last fix caused. Must...resist...urge...to digress.

So how does this blog frustrate you? Well simply put, I have put forth a post early in the morning, everyday I have worked at Rogers this summer, creating a prescedence that even I cannot deliver on. And when I don't deliver, I get bombarded by emails such as the following:

K - "Where's Ehron?" - 9:59am
A - "Yeah, where is Ehron on this stupendous sparkler of a Monday morning?" - enjoys using big words to feel superior
K - "OMG WEHRE IS EHRON!!!!! AHHHHHH" - panicking because his life revolves around me
A - "Maybe something in his ante meridiem occured" - if you mean to say morning, SAY MORNING....ante meridiem...ha
K - "I've called him like uh" (counting fingers) "7, no 8 times!" - how thoughtful
M - (pulls out a calculator) "that would be five" - stated confidently at a volume equivalent to a rock concert
K - "I see brain surgery has not increased your command of numbers" - them dry beans
M - "Hey, why don't you take this big STFU orange and stuff it in your mouth." - ...
K - *insert burn here
M - *insert counter-burn here
A - *insert plea for everyone to be nice
K AND M - *insert multiple burns on A here with cheapshots at each other mixed in

Okay, so maybe I made the whole thing up, besides the first message which is accounted for in my inbox. You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. That's why I have to make this stuff up.

Sorry couldn't resist the urge to herba...digress. My helpful little advice for all today is to make sure your alarm clock is set back to normal when you go to bed on a Sunday night. Otherwise, you wake up from a nice night of sleep only to realize it was nice because you got an extra HOUR and you are officially late. Congratulations, you win the honor of staying downtown til 5:30 today. And all your friends win the chance to dream about what kind of pit you have fallen into (maybe one with sharp sticks sticking out of the ground pointing upwards...oh please let it be that one)

Amount of time wasted on this post by me: 1hour and 5 minutes. Did I mention how Bill Gates is now on my list of "People I insist on seeing in their graves before I grace my own".

Because if you're gonna do something, you might as well do it right. Or its just massive overkill, sorta similar to when I slap the n64 controller out of your hand while playing goldeneye so that I can pump your dead corpse full of ammo so that when you re-spawn, your whole body is painted red. It's just a very nice touch. Wait, back to my point.

Now I'm not one to judge (nor am I two to judge). But to all those movie-makers out there creating these "sci-fi" movies involving robots, please keep your scripts to yourselves. Pretty please? Fine. If you won't them I'm gonna give away your little secret.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, today I will give you the template for making a sci-fi film with robots in them. I will expose these writers for the frauds they are. Their re-packaging of the same film over and over again will be tolerated NO MORE!

Here we go!

Scene 1 - The back story on how the robot/robots were created, and how they are an integral part of society or how they WILL be such a benefit to the world as we know.
Scene 2 - Robots and humans getting along together.
Scene 3 - *Insert your random love story scene here*
Scene 4 - Robot/Robots turn rogue, and start obliterating everything in their path.
Scene 5 - A gathering of humans to express their surprise at this turn of events.
Scene 6 - *Important person dies, hopefully somewhat like how Morgan Freeman dies in the "deep blue sea", cuz that was AWESOME*
Scene 7 - Humans figure out a way to turn off the robots because of the ONE weakness they have.
Scene 8 - *Generic Ben Affleck cameo made here, because Ben is in every bad flick*
*Everybody in the theatre is either fast asleep or is cussing profusely at this point*
Scene 9 - Humans vow to go on without robots. Until the next crappy robot movie is made.

And there you have it. Feel free to make your own robot movie, just expect me to crap all over it when it makes to Hollywood. Like Stealth. I wonder which 10-year old girl made thought that movie up. Oh who am I kidding, it was Ben Affleck wasn't it.

Ben look, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

END CRAPPY MOVIE RANT

Because its Friday and I feel like rambling even more, well I will just...rambo i mean ramble on.

I wonder how many times the poor Chariots have heard that catchy Gavin DeGraw song so conveniently named "Chariots" sung to them as a form of a cheer. Oh well, serves them right for picking that name! They better expect one more horrible rendition from my team tomorrow! Thank goodness nobody knows any "The Vines" music. Honest opinions now people, if I handed out ONE grape to everybody on the opposing team, would they be insulted and throw it right back at me?

My iPod batteries are dead. I have no idea what song I should post up to get stuck in your head. But I must deliver on my obligatory music reference or else some poor soul will be losing sleep trying to figure out where the music allusion was in this post. I'll figure something out.

The Leafs signed Eric Lindros. The Leafs also previously signed Jason Allison. Put the amount of games these concussion prone players will play this season and we will ALMOST have one center! WOO! They're blue, da-bu-dee-da-bu-die-da-bu-dee-da-bu-die.

BREAKING NEWS!
Ben Affleck just hired a private detective to go FIND HIS CAREER.

Idiot of the day not named Ben: K-Rod!

Destiny's Child. 3 Bootylicious chicks that just might make me Bug-a-Boo. Survivors of the Y2K (can't say the same about other groups formerly known as lfo, b44 etc). Soldiers for the Independant Women Association. Paid a lot of bills-bills-bills with the ridiculous amounts of CD sales. In fact, if I ever got to be as rich as Destiny's Child, I'd buy non-disposable *insert your non-disposable item here*, and throw it away just for kicks. Or I'd have a 4-foot high brick wall around my property. It would serve no purpose other than keeping a short person from being able to conveniently see my lawn. "You will never know what type of grass we have growing in here! Not unless you jump a little bit, at least, or maybe stand on a chair or something. And, yes, causing you that tiny bit of frustration is completely worth the $20,000 cost of construction."

But I digress. I salute you Beyonce's grou..errr Destiny's Child, and the crazy amount of hits you have released.

*raises my cup, then takes a sip of Tim Hortins French Vanilla cappucino*

May I take this time to promote the glorious wonders of Timmy's FV cap. Rich, creamy and smooth all the way down your throat, this drink is worth every penny that I pay.

So you can imagine how dismayed I was to have almost spit out this hot cappucino all over my computer monitor when their new song "Cater 2 U" came on my iPod today. In fact, just because it would've made a better story on my blog, I contemplated spitting FVcap all over my fellow summer student. But because he is not in yet, the blog story must suffer.

The same girls that sang "Independant Woman" and "Survivor", pushing the woman's movement forward then turn around to sing such lyrics as "Let Me Help You Take Off Your Shoes, Untie You Shoestrings". Talk about taking one step forward then a bajillion steps back. And then further on, "Let Me Feed You, Let Me Run Your Bathwater" and finally "I'll Brush Your Hair". At that point, I definitely felt like they made this song for DOGS. You'll BRUSH MY HAIR?! Honestly, who does that! Brush your own hair! Guys don't brush their hair, we comb it! And what is this? Are you making fun of my receeding hair-line?

*I calm down as I realize this song was not directed directly at me*

But that wasn't what made me contemplate burning the face off of the other summer student with my hot drink. I think I remember the distinct moment...right, when Michelle (aka the "OTHER ONE") somehow weaseled her way into a full verse. I don't get it. Being the glorified backup singer she is, oohs and aahs and tra-la-las and doo-wops would've sufficed. Her raspy voice completely ruins the mood of the song. Despite the lyrics, Beyonce and Kelly were catering to my sound buds before you RUINED IT MICHELLE.

Maybe this rumored breakup of Destiny's Child is just a cheap ploy to kick Michelle out of the group. And if it is, I'll be the first to raise my glass and give a toast to the PR geniouses that finally decided enough of Michelle is enough. Good grief. Wait, that doesn't make sense. How can grief be good? At least in the moment, it won't feel good. Stupid Charlie Brown. You'd think that after 200 or so comic strips of him attempting to kick a football that he'd kick the football. But no. And I'm wayyyy off topic again.

To the PR geniouses!

*raises my cup, then takes a sip of Tim Hortins French Vanilla cappucino*

*spits out*

Coffee cold...bad. Doesn't matter, anything I taste now will pale in comparison to how I imagine this green tea nestea will taste (THX GIRLSAM). Now see, hooking me up with green tea nestea is definitely how you get a "shout-out" on a post. Take notes everybody. Free stuff make buttug write your name down in post! It's amazing how this world works. Scratch my back, I'll electronically scratch yours!