Thursday, September 29, 2005

Me and my Meme's  

1. Do you try to look hot when you go to the grocery store just in case someone recognizes you from your blog?
What kind of 12 year old wrote this meme? No one else could possess the rare combination of delusion and narcissism required to simultaneously believe that not only are people obsessed with you because of your website to the point that they’d want to watch you buy Apple Juice, but that those same people also give a crap if your shoes match your jacket in the process? I love kids.

For the official record, no

2. Are the photos you post Photoshopped or otherwise altered?
Yes, but only to hide my receeding hairlin...oh...nuts.

3. Do you like it when creeps or dorks email you?
Dorks and creeps don't email me. They're too busy being dorks and creeps. Only people cooler than me email me.

4. Do you lie in your blog?
I really do turn into Jack Bauer from time to time. Really.

5. Are you passive-aggressive in your blog?
I volunteer to do a meme like this, I sit here reading retarded questions like this, and I think to myself, "PASSIVE AGRESSIVE? I'll show YOU AGRESSIVE. Is this as good as its gonna get?". MOVING ON.

6. Do you ever threaten to quit writing so people will tell you not to stop?
So this question is basically asking if you blog because you feel needed/important. This is why I blog:
-Because I get bored easily. If I can cure my own (and your boredome) for 5 minutes, then I say job well done.
-It's a cheaper hobby than collecting stamps.
-I obsess about useless things, like how 'digress' is indeed one of the top ten words in the current english language and must be used in every single post.

7. Are you in therapy? If not, should you be? If so, is it helping?
No, no, and yes. TRY TO FIGURE THAT OUT.

8. Do you delete mean comments? Do you fake nice ones?
You know what, I don't get enough comments to warrant deleting any. And plus, the only mean comments I get are from my housemates, who feel inferior to me (yeah, okay, bring on the mean comments now). I never fake nice ones. I'm never nice.

9. If your readers knew you in person, would they like you more or like you less?
MUCH LESS. Observe if you will.
Reader:So nice to meet you buttug, long time reader, first time meeter!
Me:...
Reader:...So what you been up to?
Me:School, and, TV, and other stuff.
Reader:Aw cool! What do ya watch? Sports? Bachelorette?
Me:
Reader:You weren't kidding about being boring in person. I think I'm gonna go ahead and punch you in the face out of sheer frustration now. Boring jerk.

10. Do you have a job?
*zzz...awakes...slightly startled*
Oh I'm sorry, fell asleep doing my own meme. Super. If you're still awake, then you're a trooper, and the cheque is in the mail.

And yes, my job is to valiantly defend myself from random attacks planned by my housemates. It's one of those 24/7 type jobs.

11. If someone offered you a decent salary to blog full-time without restrictions, would you do it?
How fast can you say "I'm so there"? Now, how fast can you say it 200 million times?

12. Which blogger do you want to meet in real life?
Katie Holmes. Assuming she has a blog.

13. Do you usually act like you have more money or less money than you really have?
Finally. A thinking question. I can't answer it though, because I can't keep track of my own financial records, so I have no clue how much money I have. I honestly tried at the beginning of the year, but by day 5, it was a lost cause.

14. Does your family read your blog?
I'm sure they're scouring the internet for it. And when it happens, you'll know. Cuz my posts will suddenly turn into things like "Wow, today I got bored and sat at home doing homework, and reading textbooks!" or "Then after 8:00am service at Bethel, I went to 9:30am service at KCAC! So wholesome."

15. How old is your blog?
Archives date back almost two years, so using my mental math, I'd guess... two years. Oh suck! I did a birthday post earlier this year and forgot about my blog. I sure hope the blog doesn't hate me, or gives me the cold shoulder, or decides to delete this very long-winded post. Please blog, I'll make up for it next year by making a special birthday banner, or putting annoying birthday music on the blog.

16. Do you get more than 1000 page views per day? Do you care?
Don't know, Don't care.

17. Do you have another secret blog in which you write about being depressed, slutty, or a liar?
Wait, let me re-read this question. Harharhar. A slutty blog. That's just too much.

18. Have you ever given another blogger money for his/her writing?
"Dude! That post about Apple Cinnamon Cheerios was AWESOME! It does taste just like Cheerios, with apple cinnamon! Good call! Damn! Here’s five bucks."

(Does that seem like a rational chain of events to anyone? Who comes up with this material?)

19. Do you report the money you earn from your blog on your taxes?
Under the "miscellanious earnings" section, I put ZERO. Cuz this stuff just doesn't pay.

20. Is blogging narcissistic?
Only if you're a narcissist. For everyone else, it's just "writing".

21. Do you like John Mayer?
The fact that I've downloaded the episode of Chappelle Show featuring John Mayer on ALL my different computers, while having most of his albums, and fanning myself while listening to his music does seem to indicate a certain man-crush.

22. Why bother?
WHY DID I!? WHY!

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posted by Buttug McOysty . 6:00 PM .


Wednesday, September 28, 2005

TV has Taken Over  

When something like THIS happens, you can't help but let out a sigh of relief.

Then you quickly re-read the article, and suck that sigh of relief right back into your system as you realize that the people on the plane were actually watching the news coverage of their flight AS it was happening.

Seriously now. If my plane is in danger of going down, I can think of about... 3, no, 4 better things to do than to watch ... well my flight go down... on tv.

4. Eat all the remaining airline food. Every last crumb. What's that? You think airplane food is worse than eating a cow liver raw? THEN MORE FOR ME.
3. Go up to first class, and make myself at home. Cuz if I'm going down, at least I'm going down in style.
2. Go to each and every one of the crying babies within a 20 seat radius, and rudely tell off their parents for allowing their kids to cry on an airplane while I was attempting to fall asleep.
1. Take a nap - it's just what I do.

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posted by Buttug McOysty . 5:48 PM .


Monday, September 26, 2005

Redone and Redefined  

Black/Grey/White. Very dark shades. Because that's what my life is. Dark. That is, without the light of Jesus. Just a crooked soul trying to stay up straight. And in that sense, when Jesus shines on my dark dark life, I cast this shadow that essentially proves the sunshine.

Yes, Jon Foreman did put those words into song format. So don't confuse me with being the most creative thing in the world. Just look at my blog. It's basically two boxes. That's it.

In a nutshell, this sums up my creativity.

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posted by Buttug McOysty . 10:14 PM .


Sunday, September 25, 2005

Surviving Survivor  

Posting while watching survivor. That's how I keep sane. Or else I think I'd be dying of laughter.

What's so funny about survivor?

Well think about the ridiculous challenges. Now think about the poor people that hafta be the challenge testers, just to make sure it's actually a challenge.

Hey guys, hate to break it to you, but today, the genious writers of the show decided it would be wicked fun to have a *dodge the falling boulders* challenge. We need you to determine how challenging this is, so we can judge whether or not this challenge should be for immunity or for reward.

*boulders fall*

Ah, so the challenge has been determined to be, whats the word, deathly. Thanks guys for your hard work. See you tomorrow when we test out the "jumping through the hoops of fire" challenege. Oh wait, you're dead. Nevermind then.

And as if imagining that wasn't laugh-inducing enough, we have walking jokes as contestants.

Case 1 - Guy who pretends to be sick all day only to "sudden bursts" of energy at challenges... that HAS to be one of the BEST strategies ever. Cuz not only does he get pampered at camp because oh, poor baby has shortness of breathe, but he's also the hero that pulls through for the win.

Case 2 - Ex - NFL Quarterback. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Do you think that a person who played in the NFL needs an extra million bucks? Who's the screener who let this guy on the show. Actually, it'd be great if he won, then makes a passing remark at how it's one percent of his fortune, and that maybe now he can buy that thirtieth castle he's been dreaming about to complete his collection.

Case 3 -

Cmon...this guy is pure gold. Hey Jeff, thanks for stirring up the most trouble at tribal councils. Without you, all tribal councils would be the equivalent of watching the paint dry on a wall that hasn't been painted.

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posted by Buttug McOysty . 11:33 PM .


Isn't Life Just A Picture  

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posted by Buttug McOysty . 12:09 AM .


Thursday, September 22, 2005

Seven Things I Hate About Memes  

1. Seven Things That Scare Me

*I will literally need a BOOK to kill one of these. Just to make sure that there is absolutely no contact between me and one of these thingies.
*Stairs
*Pretty Girls. No wait, that's Kwan. Me - Too good looking for my dream girl (conceited much?)
*The thought of outliving everyone I know
*Exercise
*The thought of becoming fat
*Contradictions


2. Seven Random Facts About Me

*I play lots of fantasy sports pools. Hey, I have my hobbies, you have yours.
*I like falling asleep to the sound of nothing.
*Soft tacos (burrito type thingies) are perferred over hard shelled tacos.
*Coffee in the morning, for lunch, afternoon teacoffee, a "put-me-to-sleep" coffee
*There is ALWAYS a song stuck in my head
*Most everything is/can be made into a joke
*Quite simply, I'm not normal in any way, shape or form


3. Seven Things I Plan on Doing Before I Die

*Become rich and/or famous
*Then post about it
*Travel the world
*Then post about it
*Write a song that doesn't suck
*Then post about it
*That's...about it


4. Seven Things I Cannot or Will Not Do

*Let my kids watch Dora the Explorer or Blues Clues
*Pay tons of money for clothes
*Drive below the speed limit
*Win a physical fight cleanly
*Stop blogging
*Conform
*Tag you with a meme

5. Seven Things I Say the Most

*"I'm hungry"
*"I don't feel like it."
*"So is your face"
*"Do I have to go?"
*"Please don't hurt me"
*"Shutup"
*"Because of your ugly face...Kwan"


6. Seven Celebs On Whom I Have A Crush

*Katie Holmes
*Mandy Moore
*Jennifer Aniston
*Kristen Kreuk
*Justine Henin Hardene/Kim Clijsters/Maria Sharapova...actually most women's tennis players
*Rachel Stevens
*Kanye West ... and SHUTUP

7. And Finally, Seven Souls I Have Ruined by Tagging Them

*I would never do such a thing. :)
*EDIT - Kwan Chan has since bugged me for this, so...tag..you're it

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posted by Buttug McOysty . 2:44 PM .


Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Horribly Uncalled For  

*Disclaimer - This post may contain material slightly offensive to just about everyone.

I declare today PIRATE JOKE DAY! Let's have it! Feel free to offer some of your own favorite pirate jokes in the comments.

...Oh you want to know what MY favorite pirate joke is? Okay.

What do you call a black person who is flying a plane?
A PILOT, YOU RACIST!

*confused looks, followed by a cupcake thrown at me*

MOST asians are able to tell the differece between *pilot* and *pirate*. I have not yet developed that ability. (now who's being racist)

You know, there's a very wide open door for me to draw a common link to black people and pirates (think recent events...specifically a climate-related thing)...but...that's just crossing the line of scrimmage inviting harsh but well deserved verbal dropkicks to my forehead.

Hurricane Rita, please take it easy. People have been through enough already. Although, maybe this kid could use a small smack on the back of the head, to knock some sense into him or whatever sense he's using out of him.



Who do you think is most offended by this picture?
1) Black folk who see this as an example of wannabes picking the bad stereotypes.
2) White folk who see this as an example of how "innocent" white children are falling into the "dangerous" allure of Black culture.
3) Gun enthusiasts who would point out that the sideways gun pose is poor for accuracy.
4) Fellow wannabe's that are insulted by the tweety bird clock in the background, and how the gun is actually a BB gun.

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posted by Buttug McOysty . 12:47 AM .


Monday, September 19, 2005

Bring out the Cake  






This is Bob. Everyone say hi to Bob, the Aqua Hedgehog. Now everybody give Bob a couple clicks to make him perform some tricks.

Bob would just like to take this opportunity to wish all the September babies a happy blappity birthday.

Mr. Chau(mmm...chau mein) I'm sorry I couldn't make it out for the pie in the face surprise party, but this is a well-deserved celebration for you.
Ms.Yip(yuppity yip), feel free to drop by for your complimentary drink on the house, or apartment.
Ms.Chung(chung...LI, hiie...ya), the roads are now yours. No more crying though, you're now almost an adult.
And of course, my very own sisterBROTHER, Chris. May you gets lots and lots of t-shirts. For those that don't know, Chris has only two t-shirts (rootsies and ecko).
Lastly, to my pals in HK and Western who will probably never read this wonderful piece of work.

A toast.

*sips the sparkling apple juice, all the champagne in this apartment was downed by one Gavin Chan*

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posted by Buttug McOysty . 8:03 PM .


Sunday, September 18, 2005

Bad Timing  

I drive a ghetto Jetta around. Or at least that's what people refer to it as. I like to call it battle-tested. But like any other battle-tested army, the costs just get higher and higher to maintain. You hafta keep your troops happy. Or your engine. Or your shocks. And most importantly, your oil. You know, or else your little army won't be a well oiled machine. I think I've just about lost myself.

That is why the time has come to trade in the Ghetto Jetta. At least that's what my parents have been saying for the last little while. AND they have sworn off getting any other Volkswagen because of the price it takes to repair/tune up. After about ten years, that cute little baby of a car you used to have turns into a pubescent teenager, sucking your wallet dry until the wallet itself is unable to cry out for water.

At first, I could care less. But now, this news breaks.

Now, all I can think about is ice-cream. And how nice it would be to have that audio input in my car.

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posted by Buttug McOysty . 4:10 PM .


Thursday, September 15, 2005

Oh, Ohio  

Go ahead and read this.

If you skimmed, and everybody skims their milk good, then let me summarize. 8 Kids were found locked in cages in the backyard of their home in Ohio. This is what the cops had to say about the situation:

"Basically, the parents thought they were providing for the protection of the children from themselves and from each other," said Sommers.

"They thought there was circumstances with these children that warranted the cages at night," Sommers added, but he would not go into details of what those circumstances were.


Say what? Was that not the most understanding cop in the world? It's almost like he's entering their circle of logic and AGREEING?!

So the next time I'm flying down the 401 at a slightly ridiculous 150km/h, I sure hope this copper pulls me over.

Oh, I almost forgot the best part of the story. NO CHARGES WERE FILED.

Move over California, you now have a challenger for most ridiculous judicial system.

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posted by Buttug McOysty . 11:08 PM .


Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Gross...Groce(ry) Crime  

Wow. It's really hot in Kingston.



This heat wave that has swept over my town is starting to drive people insane. They flock to places with air-conditioning, for example, the local grocery store that I frequent very often. But they check their good manners at the door.

That is why I am going to head up the newly formed Grocery Aisle Police force. You can call me captain.

As my first act, I am going to install yellow lights at the end of every aisle. Why? So that you don't get bowled over by a crazy woman who came barrelling out of the aisle at the speed of light in hopes of reaching that pile of pineapple peels she will NEVER USE, just because she has a coupon. Wait, I'm not posting about how coupons make people do insane things. Not here. Nor there.

Aisles should be treated like streets. LOOK BOTH WAYS before exiting. May I remind you we're in KINGSTON? The proud home of that big building that all those mass murderers call home? And say one of them manages to escape, and decides to hit up a grocery store, because everyone knows prison food is horrible, and you decide to run them over with a shopping cart while they are in reach of frozen turkey legs that could double as a bat, METHINKS that could be bad news for you. I'm just saying.

Moving on.

You WILL walk down the right hand side of the aisle. The people that move down the center of the aisle so that they are equi-arms length away from both sides of the aisle, and are always moving as slow as pondwater, will be punished. I'm talking fair game for the aforementioned frozen turkey legs here.

People in the "1-8 items" lane with more than 8 items are next on the agenda. If you've watched two episodes of Sesame Street, you should be able to count to 10, let alone 8. If you cannot count to ten you should be running around in your backyard with a balloon tied to your wrist.

If you're coming to the grocery store to ask for Cod Liver Oil, you might want to check yourself into a hospital's psychiatric ward. Nobody in their right, or left, mind would want cod liver oil. It doesn't even taste like chicken. Just nasty. Filthy. Dirty.

*humming the rest of Dirrrrrty...never bothered to learned the words*

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posted by Buttug McOysty . 12:10 AM .


Sunday, September 11, 2005

Bring Back Blog!  

*mothball rolls across your screen*

Has it really been THAT long?

*the second mothball chasing the first mothball races across your screen*

It was supposed to be a rhetorical question. But I've just been so tied up in meetings that I haven't had a chance to think of pretty much anything else other than looking forward to my next meeting.

And when I finally get a chance to sit down and collect my thoughts, my body decides to rudely let out a cough. Or I feel a sneeze coming on, except its one that refuses to leave me, clinging to me like a piece of lint on your clothing. Until my face is so twisted and contorted that many think that I'm actually attempting to solve the age-old question of whether the glass is half full or half empty.

My failing immune system is impeding my blogging brilliance (whoa...too much Kanye West make ego inflate). It's just downright wrong. Not just my inflatable ego, but my blocked blogging brilliance. But not as wrong as say, serving donkey meat soaked in tiger urine.

Now that sets the bar for utter and complete wrongness. Coming in for a close second is Monday Morning 7:30am Prayer Meetings for the KCCF committee. I guess you can't spell 'committee' without 'commit'. Out of a committee of 10 people, of which I am one, the person who attends the least amount of prayer meetings must buy dinner for the rest of the committee. AND in fact, my money isn't on me being "that guy". And my money is well insured. And by well insured, I mean I have a good insurance plan. The plan being to meddle with someone else's alarm clock.

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posted by Buttug McOysty . 1:02 AM .


Thursday, September 01, 2005

The last softball post until next summer  

*Disclaimer - Just...don't read.

5 summers. 5 summers spent playing this great Chinese Christian rip-off of America's great pasttime (baseball), softball. Where not only do we complicate matters by putting in extra players, we shorten the distance between bases, and have AT BEST, mediocre umpires. 5 summers. That is, 3 summers spent looking up to people better at this game than me, as well as looking up to plenty of softballs flying over my head while muttering "oh crap". All while my teammates are wondering "how did they figure out he was the weak link so quickly?" And 2 summers spent shining as the perenial all-star ruck-a-teer (cuz i cause ruckuses...its what i do)

5 summers. I am now faced with a problem.
What the heck do I watch Thursday nights at 8/7 central? I mean OC/Survivor/Joey/Smallville/Alias? How does one choose? Would somebody get me a five-sided die? Please?

Wait, how did I get here? Right, through 5 summers of playing softball in Jr's.
Am I ready to take the next big step?

One the one hand I could move up, a move I contemplated doing this year. Play slightly more competitively. Hang with people more my age. Not being the center of attention as the guy who randomly yells things while playing center field. I might even be able to weasel out of being a pitcher, thus ending the bounty put out by softballs all across the world on my ... "goods". And I'd probably see a lot more of my pals I have outside of church (...thats a lie I have no pals). I mean, I have pretty much done it all. Been on a team that's won all its games, been on a team that's lost all its games, I've reeled in my fair share of hardware, and I have instigated a-plenty of waterfights.

On the other hand, I could go back to my Jr's. I mean we're just growing together, and I think we would have a great chance next year. In fact when we see the Seraphs in the finals next year, I would dare to say

.... wait for it

... it's coming, I promise

... have you been watching Arrested Development?

.. it's a funny show

WE COULD TAKE THEM.

Hm. Was my whole post based around the fact that I just wanted to get that out? That, as Mister Chau would say, our NY teams are not indeed stacked one way? Did I just play the underdog card the whole year so that we'd creep up on people? Possibly. Am I really going anywhere with this post? Not likely.

I think I'm just at a loss for words due to the fact that I may have strapped on my glove as a Jr softball player for the last time. What is this...water running down my face? My EYE! It's LEAKING! ARGH!

Then again, now that I may have pissed off the entire Jr league by insinuating that my team would make the finals THE NEXT YEAR, and then further insinuating that we would take the beloved seraphs and crush them, I may just have to walk-the-walk next year.

You know, there comes a point in time where you have to release that little boy that is inside of you. I think I may have done that after the softball game last weekend. I have been eating a lot less this past week.

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posted by Buttug McOysty . 3:58 PM .