Three months ago, the Heat was too busy pulling in their NBA Championship. With that goal accomplished, and a couple months of off-season staring it straight in the face, I'm beginning to think that the heat has made it a personal goal to torment me.

That's right, I'm blaming the heat for the stuff falling off my car. What stuff you ask? I don't know because I don't know cars. But I DO know that when double sided duct tape is holding things together, no matter what car you are driving, it is officially ghetto. And when half the muffler is dragging along the ground, and the other half needs to be kicked off so that the muffler can be placed in the trunk for the rest of the drive home, then no matter what car you are driving, it is frustratingly ghetto.

On a side note, I'd like to take this opportunity to blame the heat for making me lose my keys, including the key to my ghetto Jetta. I'd also like to blame heat for global warming (I don't care if it's supposed to be the other way around).

The main reason I am losing this battle against heat is because of the lack of information. Yes, I plead ignorance. If we make such a concerted effort to educate children on the perils of drugs/alcohol/sex, I don't see why we can't start spreading the word on how to counter-act deadly heat.

And to fault are the friendly, but rather useless weathermen and women of the world. So allow me to conclude this post with a list, because I haven't done one of these in a while and everybody loves lists:

Three Things I Need To Know That I Don't Know That The Weathermen/women Should Know To Let Me Know:

(what?)

1. The ACTUAL temperature.
It's a rather simple concept. But go take a look at weathernetwork.com. You see the temperature? Yeah? OR DO YOU. Take a look to your right, and now notice the "Feels Like:" line. Apparantly weather has small print that needs to be read carefully too. Look at all that excessive junk. Honestly I really could care less if the actual temperature is -20 degrees but because of the effects of massive global warming and whatever else it'll be warmer. If it's going to feel like 50 degrees, tell me STRAIGHT UP that it'll feel like 50 degrees.

2. How many minutes it'll take me to fully cook a medium sized chicken by placing it on a rotating stick in my car.
Because I'm telling you, it's an oven in there, and if I don't want the heat to get to me, then I better be well distracted. And what's better than rotisserized chicken? Outside of free money, there really is no compelling argument to be had.

An addendum to number two is:
2a. How many minutes my A/C needs to be running before I can safely enter my vehicle.
Because nobody likes a guy with permanent burn marks scorched onto his body at every contact point with his car. On the scale of attractiveness, this is the equivalent of a person that cannot do simple addition. Seriously. If you cannot add 3 and 5 together, you need to stay away from me. I may hit you, in the throat.

3. How much water I need to drink to prevent hallucination due to dehydration.
Haven't you heard of those stories where people are dying of thirst in a desert and they see a supposed oasis ahead of them so they exhaust their remaining energy crawling towards it, and upon reaching their destination, they discover it was just another dune of sand? Same idea, but replace desert with my oven-car, and dune of sand with brick wall.

I just thought of one more.
4. Players I should select in my fantasy sport pools.
It's my list, my name is ButtugMcOysty and this is Stupefying Stupidity.

Did I really just link to myself twice in one sentence? That really is fantastic.

I seem to have catastrophic luck with the players I draft. For example, everybody I decided to rest my hopes upon for this baseball season decided to get good at another sport, whether it be the sport of STRIKING-OUT-EVERY-OTHER-AT-BAT or the highly dangerous sport of CONTRACTING-A-MYSTERIOUS-DISEASE-THAT-HAS-BEEN-EXTINCT-FOR-500-YEARS.

I have shared, and I have cared.