"...if you download the K-Fed and fess up to it...I don't think I can admit to being your friend anymore..." - K.C.

It's been done. I'm staring at the track listing on my iTunes as we speak, and I'm about to attempt something that may not only jeopardize my friendships, this realistically threatens my sanity.

I, Buttug McOysty, pledge to sit here and listen to this Kevin Federline, ahem, Fed-Ex, album in its entirety, tracks one through thirteen plus bonus material tacked on at the end, and make snide remarks about it, track by supposedly horrible track.

The over/under on when I start bashing my head into the table repeatedly is 7. And I'm being generous.

Before we start, I'd just like to take the time to notice that he actually cleaned up pretty nicely for the album cover. Is this a sign of things to come? Will he actually this off?


Track One - Intro
The Feder-liner: "According to sources, Federline's marriage to pop superstar Britney Spears has reached its last straw".
Did K-Fed just predict the future? Oh, I get it, he's come back from the future to tell the story as a grandpa. Buy the premise, buy the bit. I don't buy the premise.

Track Two - The World is Mine
The Feder-liner: "The world is mind, and everything in it, Young Jeezy told me that so I'ma go get it".
So theoretically, if the rest of this album manages to make me stupider, Young Jeezy should be the one held responsible. If it comes down to that, I'm counting on you, the readership, to avenge me.

Track Three - America's Most Hated
The Feder-liner: "You're mad that I made it, America's most hated".
On the contrary. You give hope to people with no talent and no money! You're a role model!

Track Four - Snap
This is the first song without a noticeable amount of piano. Hold on...

...this sounds a lot like a "Drop it like its hot". In fact, I'm gonna go ahead and superimpose Snoop's lyrics over this beat in my head and, look at that, I LIKE THIS SONG!

The Feder-liner: "A pancake man, f*** a hand shake man". What's a pancake man? And just now, he has proclaimed himself, "Hotter than a pizza oven".

I'm hungry. K-Fed is exploiting that fact in his lyrics.

Track Five - Lose Control
Oh, the piano is back. And so are his pedestrian lyrical abilities (not to be mistaken for my pedestrian writing skills thank you very much)
You know how sometimes singles are so good that when you buy the album you skip directly to the single in order to get yourself off to a good start?
Didn't happen. In fact, I'd like to plead the "heard it already" clause and go ahead and skip this track altogether.

Track Six - Dance with a Pimp
The Feder-liner: "It goes left, right, front to back."
That's it? I can dance like that...am I a pimp? I used to think that any track that described it's own dance routine within the confines of the song (re: One-Two Step, Lean Back, Chicken Noodle Soup) would automatically catch fire. This song is setting out to prove me wrong.
The Feder-liner, because I figure I owed you one from skipping the last track: "Dudes hate K-Fed, girls love K-Fed, it don't matter to me cuz K-Fed stay fed".
MIND BOGGLING.

Track Seven - Priviledge
Generic R&B hook sung by an unknown artist named Bosko. Things, are starting to sound the same.
Another song I have had the, uh, "priviledge" of hearing before, thanks to me being too lazy to flip channels during a performance at MuchMusic.
The Feder-liner: "I'm not a father, I'm just a Mac, got tired of the drugs so I switched to rap".
Last time I checked, he was a father of THREE (I'm a little unclear if it's two or three, but the point still stands).

Track Eight - Crazy
I am slowly going... at least it's one track later than I anticipated.
OH. WOULDN'T YOU LOOK AT THIS. The obligatory Britney collaboration. I guess he owed her one since she probably paid for this album.
Sorry, not paying too much attention, I am trying to decide who I have a harder time listening to, Brit-Brit, or K-Fed. I'm going to call it a tie.
The Feder-liner: "Don't think they understand, how much cake the pancake man have". And I think he shouted out Tupac...

Track Nine - A League of My Own
Sounds like something G-Unit would do. I bet 50 could've made this song and made millions. A screw it, I'm going to take a washroom break.

Track Ten - Playing with Fire
The novelty of being forced to listen through an album for a track-by-track review is wearing off.
The Feder-liner: The entire hook is "Playing with fire, playing with fire", repeated 8 times. Listen, K-Fed, I GET that it is the album title, no need to pound it into me anymore. Lay. Off.
And he just said something about pancakes again, pancake reference count at 3? (excluding the last track that I "accidentally" missed)...

Track Eleven - Caught Up (Intro)
You know when you just finished up one boring lecture and you have that 5-10 minute span to get to your next boring lecture. So you pick up your backpack, make your way to the exit, and the fresh air and sounds of nature/other people/cars give you a chance to clear your mind? Yeah...that's where we are in the album.

Track Twelve - Caught Up
I won't lie, I'm starting to ignore the lyrics, and concentrating instead on the seconds ticking by until the merciful end of this album.

Track Thirteen - Kept On Talkin
Ending on a track numbered thirteen, some would call that bad luck.
The Feder-lines - "Pancakin' is my job, in the mix all the time". LOL.
"PANCAKE PANCAKE, I'M THAT MAN". ROFL (That's the HOOK).
"My name is Kevin Federline, pancakin' all the time." (LMAOWTF)

Bonus Track - Middle Finger
He actually thought that people would wait out the 3 plus minutes of silence to get to the bonus material? Never mind the notion of bonus tracks being so preposterous (seriously, why isn't it just...in this case, track fourteen? What makes this a bonus? Is it only released on 30% of the albums created?).
The Feder-liner: "Like Jesus in every way, I'm crucified and slayed, watch me die and I rise on the seventh day."
Hey, Kev? Jesus rose on the third day.

Additional Thoughts: He raps about money, how girls love him, how the media hates him. ON EVERY SONG.

And, I take it he has an odd attraction for pancakes because I don't know of any popular pancake sayings, nor can I imagine a pancake being a metaphor for anything.

To be completely honest, I don't think this is the most atrocious thing I have ever heard, and some songs will get replayed on my iPod, because I think K-Fed is hilarious. As mentioned, I could definitely see other rappers spittin' over some of these beats, as some of them sound suspiciously close to being rip-offs. Of course he has an affinity for piano laced beats.

Lastly, I would suggest he look into advertising full time for pancakes instead of making music.