Here's what not to do after being acquitted of a crime. Why didn't he keep his mouth shut, and disappear off the face of the earth? This case was a little before my time, or at least before I decided to get in touch with the world outside of my bubble, so honestly I do not care much for the case other than, you know, people were killed and lives were ruined. Terrible, but not very compelling to me.

Strikingly similar to R Kelly writing songs using explicit lyrics about certain activities, that shall remain nameless because I'm much too lazy to look up actual lyrics today, that he partakes in, while on trial for charges very similar to the lyrics.

This paves the way for plenty more morons to release similarly thought out books. Maybe Bill Clinton will write a book titled, "I did not have sexual relations with Ms.Lewinski, but if I did, here's how it would've went down? Pun intended." And yes, pun intended would be a vital part of the title.

In fact, anytime somebody supposedly does something that is assumed to be true to the general population, but denies it to the death, the offending party should be required to write a book outlining how they WOULD'VE done what is said that they did, had they done it. Go Keyser Soze on everybody, leaving just enough hints so that people realize all too late as you slowly hobble away. Word to Kevin Spacey.

For example, I would probably write something to the effect of, "I am the most efficient worker in the known universe, but if I were to waste the first half hour every morning getting coffee and reading the Internets, here is a list of sites I need to check in order to not obsessively think about them the rest of the day." That's a working title.

There are other trivial things that I think should be mandatory, off the top of my head:

Anytime a football is run in for a touchdown, with the run consisting of 50+ yards, play-by-play people, and all subsequent highlight reel commentators, must incorporate the already beaten to death, made famous by a supposed classic I have never watched entirely through once, "Run Forrest, Run!".

Anytime there is a story about meteor rocks or craters, ESPECIALLY if the location is Kansas, news articles must include some reference to Superman coming to save us from ourselves.

Anytime a food is deemed delicious, somebody needs to deep fry it, because chances are, it'll be extra delicious. Even if the food is actually a liquid.

If you didn't notice, I've had those articles saved up for a while. I have a bad habit of not posting everything I draft, and an even worse habit of posting things a few days too late. Sometimes, I'm just waiting for somebody in the world to screw up so magnificently that all I have to do is log onto my account here and let the post write itself. So there really would be no better way than to end this article by expressing my thanks to that individual who made life easy for me today.

Thank you, OJ. Fool.