I feel like I'm writing the parody news segments for such shows as The Daily Show or the Colbert Report. Except a much dumber version, so more so for a show like SNL. Still a notch higher than Fox's "1/2 hour news hour", so horrible I won't even link to it.

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Jack Bauer makes the US Army look bad. No, not because he's brutally effective and the army is not. And no, it's not because he has stunning good looks relative to old man Sam that points at you in those posters saying "I WANT YOU", to join the army I suppose.

Apparently, the general public, wrongly thinks that the real White House authorizes Jack Bauer's interrogation techniques. And some of the officers in the army have come to believe that because it works for Jack Bauer, the techniques would work for them, and so they try it on army prisoners.

In very much related news, the general public is quite stupid.

"You don't want people like that in your organization", says some snoot at the FBI. Yeah, because he'd obsolete-ize your job before you could count to three microseconds.

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"The climate is getting warmer", says the leader of Exxon Mobil, the giant oil company.

*bashes head against wall because of the slight irony but more so because of the degree of obviousness of above statement*

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An elephant crushes a bus. That's not news, right? Because, I mean, what do you expect an elephant to do, sit down and have tea?! Maybe with some crumpets on the side?!

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New York City is investing an extraordinary amount of money for it's new slogan's campaign. Somewhere in the neighborhood of $160 million, but I can't confirm because I'm too lazy to look for credible sources.

While the new slogan has yet to be decided upon, one of the options include reversing the order of the current slogan, which is "I Love NY" (with the word 'love' often symbolized by a heart). Another possible option includes adding new words to the current slogan, something to the effect of "I've always loved New York".

It took 11 different ad agencies, all of which I assume to be prestigious. My question is, how do I land a job at one of these positions where they've ascended to such levels that they get paid not to try any more? SERIOUSLY, IT TOOK 11 AD AGENCIES FOR YOU TO REVERSE THE CURRENT SLOGAN?! HOW IS THIS NOT A JOKE.

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An animal shelter was forced to kill 1000 dogs and cats because of the outbreak of contagious disease. And I quote, "officials admit they kept animals for too long without destroying them". Wow, they don't even put it lightly.

Pay attention kids, this is what happens at animal shelters. They destroy animals. Yup. Well written.

*clap clap*

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Britney Spears took a vow of silence and joined a monastery as a monk.



At least that's what I gather without actually knowing anything.