Saturday, February 24, 2007
To Turn Television Off
*Preface - This is abnormally long. Think Buttug McOysty on ten packs of sugar. And a soda on the side. And I love me some fried chicken. What happened to that? I used to say "love me some *insert generic item/person here*" all the time. Kooky! (<-- DID I JUST...WHAT..) As I was remarking, this post is so long, I didn't even bother reading through it again myself to edit it, so feel free to unleash a barrage of angry complaints about my Engrishes in the comment section below.
I do not watch television. Television...
...watches me.
*silence (of the lambs)*
Two parts, because a show can either run its course and end how the writers intended for it to end from the beginning, or be canceled, sometimes mid-season, against the cast and crew's wishes. Part One deals with a show that gracefully exits according to plan.
1. Somebody needs to die.
This may be a moot point now that some shows insist on killing a character every episode (how many more dead people can we find in New York/Las Vegas/Miami huh CSI?). But in the event a tight knit cast manages to stay alive, there's nothing more tear-jerking then seeing one of them finally bite the bullet. And closure for the audience to know that the dead character doesn't have any more adventures in them. I'm twisted like that.
2. Somebody needs to get married.
If I can't get point number one to happen, then I'd like a character to walk that aisle because I KNOW that nothing exciting will happen after this.
*ducking the rotten tomato*
What I mean to say is, I'm a sucker for weddings, and seeing angst-ridden people (preferably of the teenager ilk) finally be happy and carefree.
3. Throw in a surprise twist.
Just to jerk the audience around. Then resolve it quickly, preferably in the next 30 seconds with a "gotcha *wink emoticon*" or a "just joking".
4. Show as many flashbacks as you possibly can.
Reminding folks of how good the show used to be. Oh wait. Let me try again.
You do this as a cost cutting measure. The less scenes you have to actually shoot, the less money it costs. Economics 202, Buttug McOysty styles, where less is actually more. This does not apply to all-you-can-eat-Jap food, blood in a Quentin Tarantino movie, tax refunds, or the length of my posts. In fact, "less is more" rarely applies to anything. I think it'd be easier to brain-storm situations when less IS actually more:
- attention for Paris Hilton/Britney Spears/Lindsay Lohan/*insert generic Hollywood girl gone drunk with power here*
- the intentional lack of effort by the entire Toronto Raptors organization, translating to a tremendously minuscule amount of wins this year, but guaranteeing them a spot in the Kevin Durant/Greg Oden sweepstakes which equates to a future championship and a potential dynasty run with Bosh, Bargnani and one of Oden or Durant. Sorry, I can't get over how this course of action was not taken.
and
- if you're devastatingly boring and you choose to tell your life story
5. Bring the story back full circle.
A character should see a younger version of themselves and draw on past experiences to right wrongs that were left un-righted in their life until later on. Yeah, go back and read that again. Wait, I shall.
*humming the 24 theme song, which is just a clock ticking at increasing speeds*
Because what goes around comes back around. Now, excuse me while I go deposit royalties into Justin Timberlake's bank account for quoting him.
*3 hour intermission*
1. Somebody needs to die.
How can the show claim to be realistic without death? Seriously now! Off with their heads! You know, if it really is the last show and it's being canceled against the wishes of the people involved, then I say pull out all the stops. Kill the most loved characters. I'd even go so far as killing the beloved family dog or something equally as horrible. I draw the line at killing innocent children, but if it really serves an inspirational purpose, then the line may be nudged back a bit.
2. Take many, many cheap-shots at many, many individuals/groups.
Subtle phrases aimed at the nonsupporting upper management. Barbs at parents that wouldn't allow their kids to watch the show because they figured homework would be more important than entertainment. That's just bad parenting. But that's another post for another time. Rants at kids that didn't sneak behind their parent's backs and watch the show anyways. Pot-shots at other shows that may or may not have stolen their audience. Even take down a product by making sure its portrayed only in a bad light. What are they going to do, it's your last show!
3. Throw in a surprise twist.
Just DON'T resolve it. If enough people are intrigued and cause a riot, a network may pick up the series by the sheer amount of hateful letters being sent to their mail-rooms. Even if that doesn't happen, think of the small group of people's memories that will forever be haunted.
posted by Buttug McOysty
. 6:52 PM .