Friday, February 02, 2007
YOU ARE A CERTIFIED WINNER
*Preface* Take that midget Kwan, who decided to bet on me being unable to commit to 12 or more posts titled with spam email. This is post number 13, the last of these inaptly, and inappropriately, titled series of posts. Why/when did we start calling him that anyway? Somebody needs to tell me, not that I'll stop calling him that in the meantime, but it'd be nice to know. I thought I had exhausted the vault of short-jokes over the years, but clearly we have not moved on. I'm not completely opposed to this nonsense.
The powers that be over at Tambo001 discussed two big "holidays" this month. I'm happy to be the first to inform you that the groundhog didn't see it's own shadow this morning, meaning that spring is just around the corner, or that Wiarton Willie is blind (although, I don't know if they test the groundhog for blindness, which is just bad science in my opinion). And not to be outdone, as I type this, or as you read this, cupid is being injected with high dosages of epinephrine so he can go berserk with his cute little love arrows a little later on this month.
But the biggest holiday in the month of February, the one that usually leaves everyone devastated the day after (either from too much celebration drinking, or from too much "I can't believe we lost" drinking, but always from the overdose of chicken wings, pizza, and nacho chips), and has a different name every-year (albeit, only slightly), the day that brings out the best of commercials everywhere, and recently has been known for Nipple-gate, I present to you, Superbowl XLI - the one with two black head coaches. Common and Kanye even made a song about it.
You'd be lying if you say aren't excited for the K-Fed commercial. I have my VCR set just for that, and don't worry, I'll probably post the YouTube clip (that's already available) of it here another day. I've also had quite enough of the "Deal or No Deal Canada" commercials, but that's neither here nor there.
And because everyone is calling the Colts to win, and I mean everyone, seriously you could dial up my grandma who may or may not know how to use the telephone, and even she'd tell you the Colts are going to win, you just know the Bears (and freakin' Rex Grossman) are going to take the cake. That's just how the wonderful world of sports works.
In honor of such a fabulous weekend, I, Buttug McOysty, offer a super-sized post, a buttugly-lengthed post if you will, so feel free to break out the delicious finger foods you had reserved for the weekend and get your party on with this post!
Also, it's black history month. You know, the month where we remember Rosa Parks for her defiance, yet when I try to pull a similar stunt on others, I just get labeled as "the jerk who wouldn't give up his seat for the pregnant lady". It is kinda nice that both head coaches (one of them is named Lovie, how spectacular is that!) of the Superbowl teams are black, although I've heard/read about it all too much.
On an unrelated note, I'm going to go drink a Coke Black now. Blap blap.
1. I'm a tremendously lucky individual when it comes to Internet prizes.
I have stockpiled about a katrillion of the yet-to-be-released Apple iPhones, on top of already impressive collection of unclaimed airline tickets, e-bay stuff I didn't buy, Rolex watches, and pharmaceuticals.
2. Spam emails are actually notes from the future from myself, either warning me of some sort of impending doom, or future-me is bombarding me with useless information for the sheer amusement of future-me.
Sorting my mailbox by date reveals that most spam emails are sent from the year 2037. There is no other plausible explanation. I refuse to be convinced otherwise.
3. There's spam for just about anything, and when it hits really close to home, even the cleverest of humans can be temporarily fooled.
It was no secret that I was in the Queen's University housing lottery in hopes of landing 2-minute walk from campus accommodations for next year. I was forced to open every single one of the "Congratulations, You Have Won" type emails just in case it was accidentally delivered to the spam mailbox. I had to read over the one from the "housing lottery board" twice. It only served to get my hopes up before sticking a pin in them and laughing.
Some have labeled this approach, the "shot-gun" method. One of my future housemates (can't be bothered to look for the link, he never updates anyways) has taken it upon himself to use this approach when playing match-maker for others. And just like spam, it fails miserably. This method should strictly be reserved for DNA sequencing.
4. Global warming is real and growing!
This needs to be talked about more because while everyone is distracted by the threat of nuclear war, the Arctic is melting and soon the penguins will have no choice but to move southward and invade us, enslaving the human race, and living in our country (no Chevrolet). Us Canadians really aren't prepared for any invasion, even if it is by penguins.
I know this has nothing to do with lessons I learned from spam. But six points just seemed like such an odd number, even though the number six itself is even. And I know it feels weird reading this at point four, but I'm aawesome with two a's and a red squiggly underline that informs me it's not yet an accepted word in the English language.
5. The word "dimpossible" proves that somebody needs to be fired for a poorly written spell-check system.
Either that, or spam is written by kids, and y'all know how I feel about kids these days (myself usually included) and their misuse of the English language.
6. Take Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan. For better or for worse, they've all had semi-successful careers doing something (respectively, music, saying "that's hot", and acting). But once you get past their supposed day jobs, you realize that deep down, despite their different "talents", they're all just rich, spoiled, snobby, and what I generally like to call, trailer trash!
Spam is just like that. Different titles are slapped on, but they're the same message repackaged over and over again.
7. I may be aawesome with two a's, but I'm still an Idiot with a capital I.
By post number seven, I already wanted to run myself into a brick wall for thinking up such a ridiculous idea that seemed good at the time but reared its ugly head rather quickly. I'll never try this spam email titling system again. And, I've enlisted help for ideas. Come back next week and see how Stupefying Stupidity has changed! In the meantime, I'm off to attend this weekend's festivities (insert your snide remarks in the comment section if you will, I still reserve the right to edit them in whatever way I see fit)! Go Colts!