*Preface - I talk/write a lot. Deal with it.

I'm about to do something that hasn't been done on this space for a minute now. I'm about to get all introspective.

*Sidenote* - When referencing the Internet, how does one distinguish between being "on" the Internet and "in" the Internet? I wasn't sure which preposition to use, and believe it or not, I had to double check with Blackle to verify that "in" and "on" were indeed prepositions.

*Sidenoting the Sidenote* - Blackle. It's the energy efficient version of Google. Allegedly. I don't scientifically know if a monitor displaying a black background uses less energy than one displaying an outwardly brighter white background. But most of you, my dedicated readership, know that I inherently prefer the color colour (see, now there's a red squiggly line under the word "colour", it's very annoying), err, shade, black. Speaking of which, this fugly template needs to go. When the site gets back to black, then you'll know I'm back on track. Can one of you kids sitting at home with nothing better to do draw me up a new template? And if there are any Internet nerds that happen upon this blog, can somebody get a blackle-style version of Wikipedia running? Thank you.*End Sidenotes*

I lead a double life.

Take your time, don't choke on your food, chew slowly, and re-read the last sentence. I'll wait for you in the read-more section. I won't be hard to find. I'll be the one (who will make all your sorrows undone) in an bright yellow, oversized, ChiSox hat. Eating some Fried Chicken Snack. With a soda on the side.

You see, this is how I figure. From Monday to Friday, I'm practically sitting on email all day. And by that, I don't mean obsessively refreshing the screen waiting for email, G-Mail has solved that problem by doing the automatic refresh. I just keep it minimized and answer emails as they come in.

From Monday to Friday, I'm also scouring the Internet for news, opinions, rumors and anything else that could offend me enough to rant about, or amuse me enough to link to, or ridiculous enough to adopt as a new theme.

From Monday to Friday, my fantasy sports teams are micromanaged to a tee. I build up a healthy lead and add/drop players just because I can.

From Monday to Friday, if you update your blog, I'll be reading it. If you have Flickr, I'll be checking it. If there's new music that has been electronically leaked, I'll be bumpin' it.

From Monday to Friday, I AM THE INTERNET.

Then Saturday hits, and for the next two days, my computer has to talk to a psychiatrist because it feels neglected, and there are many traumatic stressors that accompany feelings of neglect.

M.I.A.M.I.

Missing. In. Action. Me. Is.

The level people will stoop to to make an acronym work.

Call me Jason Bourne. I had no idea about this double life until the other day when I chided someone for not responding to a less-than-vital-but-important-enough email when they actually had replied and I just hadn't checked my email the entire weekend.

And when I did finally check, there it was, sitting there all pretty and smiling at me.

*Ahem, waiter, could you please help me choose between crow and a slice of humble pie? I can't decide which one to eat at this point in time*

And I think it's time for a change. Just in case a reputed publication reports on a Saturday that Armageddon (or a big sale of some sort) will be taking place Sunday, and I don't find out till Monday.

If it really is Armageddon, then well, you know, I'll pray to Bruce Willis and what's his face, Bennifer Affleck, to come save me.

But if it's a big sale I missed, then I'll be severely disappointed. The feeling that accompanies finding out you missed by a day on an extremely discounted item you've been hunting for is equivalent to the feeling of being ahead by a full lap in MarioKart, then in the final lap, watching the 7 other players pass you. One by one.

And then you run into a tree.

It's time to bring some balance into my life. Internet, I will pay you a visit at least once a weekend. I'm sorry for being so unfaithful when it hasn't been convenient to me. Weekend bloggers, emailers, flickrers, newscasters, fantasy sports players, and merchandisers, forgive me.

For I know not what I do.