I know I promise a lot of things. I promise to post more jokes. I promise to post more pictures. I promise to cut the crap and post serious stuff. Nope that doesn't sound right. I promise NOT to cut the crap and continue posting however I feel. I promise to tell you how to get that second, yet so unattainable, 'a' to describe yourself as aawesome instead of just being plain old boring awesome. I promise to tell you why I'm so gangster, but I never get around to it, because that's how gangster I really am.

But today, I deliver not only these fine business solutions from International Business Machines to your personal computer (they pay me to say that), I deliver you the low-down on the people going dumb phenomena.

And don't take that derogatorily. Because in fact, to "go dumb" is now a definition of a dance style. No, I'm being serious. That's just what they call "losing all inhibitions, not giving a care, and going crazy, 2006 styles". Pretty stupid huh!? And it's almost always done to a certain type of music, hyphy. Pronounced HY-PHEE. Described as minimalistic in a sense, with the main focus it's rather simplistic rhythym involving many synthesized sounds. Some say it's the new wave of Crunk music. You know, all that duurty-south business brought to you by Lil Jon and company. This new movement originated and is being popularized by the Bay Area. That's San Fran for all us unedumacated Canadians.

With decreased production values, you know due to the whole minimalism of everything, you would think that rappers would step up their lyrical game. Cuz if you ain't gonna captivate me with the beat, you better be spitting hot fire 150% of the time.

Ooh. Jesus Christ had dreads, so shake em
I aint got none, but I'm planning on growing some
E-40: Tell me when to Go

That's it. You've gotta be kidding me. Please someone tell me what's going on.

Doin hella s*** at one time
My definition of hyphie man is thizzin, sniffin lines
Keak Da Sneak: Super Hyphie

Them lyrics suck more than Jennifer Lopez in Gigli. Mind you, I still need to watch that movie to be able to make that statement with confidence.

But hold up, here's the secret behind hyphy, and the one major problem I have with it, other than the bad lyrics. Now, don't go telling all your friends, because you know this stuff is highly sensitive. Level 3 sensitive. That's right, I did say level 3, somebody call Jack Bauer. Ready?

There's no distinctive feel/sound to it.

And you know why there ain't no distinctive feel or sound to it? Hold your breath, lean a little closer at the screen and prepare for some mighty loud typing.

CUZ ITS LIL JON PRODUCING THESE HYPHY TRACKS.

G'ahead Jon, take a bow, or whatever it is you're doing in this picture:

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the person behind your kids, and me, inexplicably saying a couple "WHAAAT"'s followed by a "YEEEAAHH" and "OKKKKAAAY" to your every question. The guy with so much metal in his dentals that if he ever needed an MRI scan to save his life, basically speaking, his teeth would be ripped out one by one, causing his speech to be even HARDER to understand than it is now. And most importantly, the SAME GUY that brought you Crunk music.

The best part folks, is that they sealed their fate by trying too hard to push hyphy. You see, in pretty much all them hyphy music videos, they have to flash the word "hyphy" just to make sure you know you're watching hyphy. At least with crunk music, I knew it was crunk, without anyone having to tell me it was crunk. It was simply understood, not discussed.

If you really want to know what I'm talkin about, go check out any joint by E-40 or Keak Da Sneak.

And while you're at it, raise your right hand high above your head, and give a little goodbye wave to this "movement" that is hyphy. Because, as N'Sync would tell you, they gone, baby they gone, but the truth remains, and this I promise you.