My genius brother found me sprawled out on my bed with the sheets pulled up over my face. He asked me, "Are you trying to sleep?", to which I replied "No". He's heading to university come September, feel free to give him pointers on his observation skills.

My genius brother then proceeded to ask "Why are you always so tired?", to which I retorted "Why are you always so ugly?". He tried to laugh it off.

A policeman pulled me over as I pulled out of a Tim Hortons with a 12-pack of donuts. He demanded the usual, "Do you know why I pulled you over, ... SON" and I held up the box of donuts and said, "Because YOU COULD SMELL IT".

I stole that last one from Last Comic Standing. These next two actually happened, but I slightly embellished.

Father's day is coming up, I asked my pal what she planned to sleep in. She declared, "I'm going to rip up the front of my house and redo it for my father, what about you?" I put my head down and said "Keep my father away from you so that he'll never know he could get more than a hug and a pat on the back".

I was last minutely discussing with my genius brother what we should do for father's day, seeing as how a hug and a pat on the back just won't cut it anymore. "Let's take him out to lunch", suggested my brother. "But we're already eating dinner with him", said I. "Let's take him out to lunch AND dinner", stated my brother proudly. "You're a horrible son", I informed him.

In all honesty, our brotherly relationship is cooler than ice cold.