*Preface* - It's about that time of year again when people procrastinate on exam studying. At least I know I have! As such, I've cooked up something extra lengthy and extra delicious for you to sink your metaphorical teeth into to pass the time. Please don't try to eat your actual computer monitor, I will not be held financially nor psychologically liable for that. I'd say reading this post beats watching the paint dry on your egg white wall, but it probably doesn't. If you can find a wall that currently has paint drying, then you're excused. It's riveting stuff.

An absolutely astonishing 71.2% of my readers (dubbed "The Six", not because there are actually six of you (maybe there are five of you and I simply count myself. TWICE (think about that while I end this complicated and confusing triple nested bracket)) but because I once made a snide remark about the dwindling readership) spend less than 5 seconds on my page at a time.

That's right. StatCounter would never lie to me, would you StatCounter?

NEVER

*Sidenote* - Whichever kid is visiting my site from People's Christian Academy, DURING school hours, IP address 216.223.158.249, for shame. Get back to work. I know I am a self-professed educator of the masses, but you may want to stay in school. Your other school. You're still here. I'll wait.

*humming the depressing Battlestar Galactica theme*

End sidenote.

*Next Sidenote* - Why has the average age of my readership submarined to 15-18 year olds. With all things considered, including the two older, wiser and if-they're-not-over-the-hill-it's-because-I-haven't-pushed-them-yet readers, I would've assumed that the average age of my readership would increase as reader retention rules would dictate. Safe to say I know little about anything!

Back on track now. Less than FIVE SECONDS. As if they stumbled across this site, muttered, "Oh crap." or "Not him again" or "Ahhh my eye, my precious precious eye that caught a glance of this Stupefying Stupidity Ahhh." (unless you're a Spartan, in which case you have a spare), and yes, the last person would announce that with the link intact.

This cannot continue. People need to read what I write, or at the very least, linger on this site as they drift off into their own little worlds, tricking my StatCounter into believing they're reading my words of little wisdom.

As such, I will now start a new initiative. For every person that spends more than one minute on this site, but no more than 10 minutes, because seriously if you're on here more than 10 minutes, you either went to the bathroom and forgot about closing your Internet browser and that messes up my statistics so please don't, or you're a really slow reader. And I look down on you. Because I'm tall. Not because you're a slow reader. I've said too much. Let's take a break so the outrage you currently feel can simmer down a tad.

*Washroom break*

For every user that stays on this site for 1 to 10 minutes, I will go outside and hug a tree. In the spirit of saving the environment. Trees, please!

One more statistic to note. Here are the top five commenters (Commenter is a word, what the heck is the plural if commenters is not a word?! Confusing!) of this blog during the month of March:

ButtugMcOysty
Tambo001 - Here's your requisite shout-out.
Sogh - You don't get a link because you have seemingly disappeared from the Internets.
MeenBauChew - Meen Bau is delicious.
Seasun - If there ever were a poll for best name, I'm convinced yours would land somewhere in the top five.

The fact that I myself am the top commenter on my own site is not very surprisingly. In fact, it's aawesome. The other four people I have only known for a minute. I can only concretely conclude that people get bored of my act real quick. Except for me. I'm the exception to my own rule.

To sum up, read me! Comment on me! A tree will be hugged and feel loved! And if you comment early and comment often, I will personally find a way to squeeze a link to your blog into my post!