Monday, April 30, 2007
It's Been A (Nice) Long Weekend
*Preface - I'm mailing this one in. Consult wikipedia to verify the validity of this post.
Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
I'm Posting Again
So today I wrote the exam in an "exam hall" complete with a "proctor" and "plenty of people around me". I finished in "40 minutes". "I'm glad it's over".
Legend:
exam hall - an apartment unit somewhere in Etobicoke, way up on the 12th floor
proctor - old lady owner of the apartment unit
plenty of people around me - her creepy family portraits and pictures
40 minutes - 30 minutes, plus the extra 10 it took to find the darnded apartment, buzz in, and go up twelve floors
I'm glad it's over - I can't believe I paid a couple hundred dollars in course fees and they couldn't even rent a nice quiet elementary/high-school/church gymnasium. Ridiculous.
Friday, April 20, 2007
McOysty Tells It Like It Is
In honor of me being trapped in my home for the weekend while I attempt to cram a textbook into my head, figurative speaking should not be assumed, I will post as you the readership calls for it.
*confused looks abound*
This means that I am going to answer any and all your questions! Throw them up in the comment section, be anonymous if you're chicken like that you wish. Ask about pop culture! Ask about science! Ask about me! Ask for money! No question is off-limits, save for the ones that involve other people. As usual, I reserve the right to do pretty much anything, answer in any which way, and twist and contort a question until it is unrecognizable. Let's see where this goes.
And remember ... together, we can make this world a better place.
"How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" - Dante
The woodchuck would chuck three 2x4's, 4 branches, one stump, and only the finest birch bark available before taking a break for chicken wings, because those are tasty.
"Have you ever practiced kissing in the mirror and if you haven't how do you practice kissing?" - Dante
How do you practice something "in" a mirror? I mean, technically, your question should have been phrased "How you ever practiced kissing WITH a mirror...". Am I right or am I right!? Sorry, sorry, it's you who's supposed to be asking the questions, and it's my job to answer. Let me try again.
I haven't and I don't.
"Ginger or MaryAnn?" Mary Ann. I have a thing for brunettes and a dislike of ginger in my food.
"Betty or Wilma?" Betty, because people with repeating letters in their name happen to be more appealing.
"Taste Great or Less Filling?" I don't get it. If you're talking about food, shouldn't it be "Taste Great & Less Filling vs Taste Bad & More Filling?". Regardless, I taste great all the time thank you very much.
"Coke or Pepsi?" Root Beer.
"Mac or PC?" PC, the Mac guy is going to get his in the new Die Hard movie.
"What are your top 50 pet peeves?? pffffftttttt" - sogh
1. Using two question marks to end one setence.
2. The "word" 'pft'.
3. The misspelling of the "word" 'pft'.
4. 'u' instead of 'you'.
5. 'ur' instead of 'your'.
6. 'ur' instead of 'you're'.
7. 'ttul', because clearly it's 'ttYl'.
8. People in your immediate proximiate that insist on letting their legs shake or tap the floor, causing a mini-earthquake for all who happen to be around.
9. HIDDEN BLOGS.
10. Children.
11. An unresolved musical scale.
12. Off-pitch singing.
13. Carpel Tunnel.
14. Dust.
15. Bad breath.
16. Bad odors in general.
17. Excessive talking during television time. It's a fine line.
18. Terrorists.
19. Gossip.
20. Crying children.
21. Paper cuts.
22. Blood.
23. Country music.
24. Dead light-bulbs.
(The next few will be answered assuming you meant that my "pet" would be named "peeves" instead of the colloquialism).
25. Beaver ... Peevers the Beaver, ultimately shortened to Peeves the Beeves.
26. Snake ... on a plane.
27. Parrot .... seriously how cool would it be to have a talking bird named "peeves". Then I could totally "ASK PEEVES"!
28. Giraffe ... I had to look up how to spell this, I forgot there were two f's.
29. Wombat.
(Moving on now).
30. Non-commenting blog readers.
31. Alarm clocks that are not yours, but still wake you up.
32. Having to rush a post when it's dinner time. I'll be back after I'm done.
33. Okay I'm back. Sizzling savory steak, fresh off the grill. It doesn't get better than that.
34. Ahem.
35. Not being home when the UPS guy tries to deliver a package for you, then having to go pick it up yourself.
36. SOGHY DUMPLINGS (take this however you want, subtle shot or not)
37. Not knowing the answer to simple questions.
38. Not being able to fall asleep.
39. Donald Trump.
40. Potentially phenomenal photography ruined by my own stupidity or lack of creativity.
41. People taking pictures of me, then throwing them up on the Internets.
42. Facebook.
43. Faulty doctrine.
44. The exageration of minor issues (Sanjaya on American Idol) vs the ignorance/apathy/desensitization to bigger issues (environment? people dying everyday in Iraq? THE WORLD COMING TO AN END?)
45. Slow drivers that are in my way.
46. Pedestrians that are in my way.
47. BICYCLISTS that are in my way.
48. I'm not doing one of these ridiculous top 50 lists again. If anything, lists should be limited to top ten plus a bonus answer.
49. But I have one more pet peeve. And that's leaving things unfinished...
5
*snicker*
"are you allergic to anything? if so, what are you allergic to?" - sogh
Children.
"have you ever eaten an insect before?" - sogh
I've eaten spider...roll sushi willingly. Bugs tend to crawl into people's mouths while they sleep. Fortunately, I'm not one of those people. I hope.
"which would you prefer to eat: fried, deep fried, boiled, steamed, mircrowaved, frozen, or raw worms?" - sogh
Gummied.
"Who was the last person (outside of your family) that you kissed?"
"Who do you think is the prettiest girl at Queens?"
"Who is hvm?"
"What is sogh's real name?"
Questions about other people in all likelihood, will not be answered in a forum such as this. If you choose to identify yourself though, I may be more willing to speak to you directly about such topics.
"so how long is this free question asking going to last?" - sogh
Well, if you have your ruler handy, if you could measure between here.............and here.....
then add a non-negative, non-zero integer of your choice
times 7
you have your answer.
Or until I have time to throw something substantial and fresh up here besides answering questions.
"have i asked too many questions?" - sogh
No. You have a green light because you'll soon be my complicit partner in crime.
I may have said too much.
But who cares, no one is actually reading this, or they are and still refuse to contribute to this Q&A session.
"why?" - sogh
42.
Yup.
"do you like oysters?" - sogh
Not particularly.
"why aren't you completely answering all the questions?" - sogh
My blog. My Q&A session. My rules.
Plus, I totally protected your identity by dodging a question from before. You should be thankful.
"honestly speaking, do you feel more popular when people comment on your posts?" - sogh
I wouldn't use the term popular. I think it's more of a "satisfactory" feeling, knowing that what I'm throwing up here is actually being acknowledged.
Plus, I've learned that I'll always be as popular as that rock that happens to live in the church parking lot.
*what rock?*
My point exactly.
"Can you spell C-O-P--O-U-T?" - Dante?
C-o-p-p- ... hold on
C-o-o-p- .... dang it
G-o-p- forget it.
No.
"WHY DID I JUST READ ALLLL OF THAT?" - Fafa
Caps lock! You must be mad! Or you must've accidentally held down that key.
Or, happened to glue down the caps lock key while doing arts and crafts.
Sorry, I'm answering the wrong question. It's not everyday I get a question about the questioner's behaviours. Interesting.
You must've read all of that because you:
1. Are fascinated by my writings.
2. You thought there was a massive conspiracy hidden in code somehwere in this post.
3. You were incredibly bored. This is most likely.
"do u know how to cook/bake?" - Fafa
I cook books, so I'll never be an accountant.
I bake under the glare of the sun.
"WHY HAVE YOU NOT COOKED/BAKED FOR ME YET?" - Fafa
Uh, your caps lock is on again.
Regardless, I have not cooked/baked for you yet because the things I make always come out of the oven looking so fresh and clean and tempting that I engulf everything myself.
".... wut does buttug mean...?" - Fafa
Words have very little (if any) intrinsic meaning. The meaning is contained in the beholder. Perceptions are everything.
If you really want the full explanation, stay tuned for a post in ... September, if this blog survives til then. Now that's advanced notice and quality promotion. I was going to explain this in a "blog birthday" post.
"did u know that you have to wait 30seconds between posting comments on this thing?" - Fafa
So you just threw up 5 comments, meaning you spent a good 2 minutes in between just twiddling your thumbs counting it down?! You're hilarious.
"Can you spell C-H-E-A-T-E-R?" - Dante
Stop making me spell things. It's embarassing (oooh, foreshadowing?).
I'm not even going to attempt this one.
"Why change the rules AFTER you publish them?" - Dante
Please refer to the fact that I'm aawesome with two a's.
"and you call US chickens?" - Dante
Sure did! I would call everyone "eggs", but I'm not convinced they came first.
"what's your most embarassing moment" - Sam
Recently - When neither one of my hockey teams made it to the Stanley Cup playoffs. For shame.
Of all time - Well it used to be "when I slid down the slide on my tummy (not tummy first, my feet were still first, but tummy down) and at the end where the slide levels out, my head was rudely introduced to the slide and I cried". But that turned out to be my brother. We consulted video replay for that.
I'd say if you take a look at any of my pictures from about the age of 6 to the age of uh...I'll be generous here, 15, I'd consider all that pretty embarassing. I mean, before my braces, I looked like a chipmunk. Apparently I never stand up straight anymore. Also, whenever I say something, it inevitably ends up coming out jumbled and my point is usually lost, and I sound like a fool. All that adds to "embarassment". But I just choose not to be embarassed. Embarassed is a state of mind.
"can i get a tangible, positive prize if i guess your real name correctly" - Sam
My real name? No. You already know exactly who I am. Now... if you can somehow type out the chinese characters (none of this here's how it's pronounced in English business) on the commenting section, I may change my mind.
"do you have any unique physical characteristics that would be amusing to poke fun at? (ex. o o)" - Sam
ROFL-LOL-OMG-LMAO-BBQ-ATL-CEO
I can't believe you just went there. It's the only reason I'm answering your questions somewhat seriously.
Have you been reading this blog? I make fun of myself on a routine basis.
Besides the aforementioned chipmunk-y, slouch-y dork, I've been known to have a slightly long neck. Hence the pet name "Brontosaurus", shortened to "Bronto".
I also have chicken arms that rival the strength of toothpicks.
My skin is so pasty white, you couldn't pick me out of a lineup of albinos.
Did I mention I'm a dork?
But nothing, absolutely nothing, is as fun to make fun of as 'o o'.
Nothing.
"what is your favourite animal not including humans (homosapiens)?" - sogh
SNAKES (on a plane).
And penguins. Because they waddle.
And pigs. Because bacon is delicious.
Are carebears classified as animals?
"what animal does smurkel remind you of? why?" - sogh
Phonetically, it sounds the closest to turtle. Smurkel. Turtle.
Smurkel. Turtle.
Smurkel! Turtle!
*five more minutes of that*
Image wise, I'd have to go with sonic the hedgehog. Just because I haven't seen him for a minute. And that's the mental image that came to my mind.
"anyways, the only important question that needs to be asked is why haven't u commented on my blog lately?" - Tamiscal
1, 2, 3,...4, 5, ... 6!
You can count!
But it's not the same six.
I still think this is one of my most genius posts to this day.
40 comments! That's more than I've ever received in total! Amazing!
Back to your question. I really have no excuse.
Although "lately" is a relative term and I could debate the time frame of "lately".
"...do you think sogh is angry?" - Sam
Do I THINK sogh is angry? I think that sogh is really funny.
Is she ACTUALLY angry? Very probable.
Okay, look kids, this is getting out of hand. I'm all for bashing each other, but seriously, the glares have to stop. That crosses the line. Let's keep it verbal. No dirty looks denoted by a '*' please. Thanks.
"arent they all Jack Johnson?" - Meenbauchewyan
Uh-huh.
"booooo how come he knows" - sogh
Apparently, Dant..I mean Ro..I mean Meenbau has mastered the art of Google/Facebook searches.
Either way, to prove I have too, Jack Johnson - Bubble Toes, Fortunate Fool, Traffic in the Sky.
Jack Johnson totally reminded me of this. Good times. Classy way to end this Q&A session.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Dear Toronto Raptors' Fanbase,
Would it be too much to ask for those in attendance for the playoff games to institute a complete silence rather than booing when Vince Carter is introduced?
When booed, an athlete will, 9 times out of 10, look to the teammate on his left/right, chuckle a bit, and light-heartedly brush off the ill will.
And I for one, do not want to even give Vince the opportunity to do that. He doesn't even get that.
XOXO
-McOysty
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Do Something
*Preface* - This is serious. Ghandi may have said something similar. But I ripped it off a friend.
Let's all shut our collective traps for a moment, and go BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE IN THIS WORLD.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Sprinkle Sprinkle
*Preface - Click the Read More link, it's not a trick. That was a one time thing. For really! No, don't mistake my wide grin as being a mischievous smile! I took the time to put a poll down there, so please! Vote early, often, obsessively, courageously, and contagiously.
Welcome to today. The day where your book begins. The rest...
...is still unwritten.
And I, Buttug McOysty, am here to proclaim that the Tim Horton's Vanilla Dip donut reigns supreme in a day and age where cake donuts and cream-filled donuts are heralded as being the innovative taste-bud tinglers. Lost among these imaginative and fancier styles of donuts is the underrated, unappreciated, and seemingly long-forgotten yeast donut. Under that heading you will find delights including the Chocolate Dip, the Honey Dip, and of course the afore-heralded king of donuts, the Vanilla Dip.
Also known as THE SPRINKLES DONUT. Yes. That donut you used to eat as a kid. The same donut you refuse to eat now because you'll be misconstrued as childish. If the concept of having an "inner-child" inside you were real, he or she would be kicking you right now for abandoning the Vanilla Dip donut.
Sure there's nothing wrong with the cake donuts, if you want to feel bloated after, as if you've just ingested 19 grams of fat. But it'd probably make more sense to go grab a slice of cake (free is preferably, but not all of us have brilliant cake hookups - I'm not bitter) if cake is what you have a hankering for.
And in my books, a donut should be required to have a hole in the middle. Sorry, cream-filled "donuts". But think about it, donuts are the one thing I'd be willing to pay for even with a hole cut in the middle. The batted around phrase being "less is more". Which is a total crock. Donuts being the only exception. And taxes. And Simple Plan. They're the asymptote, where zero is actually infinity. Mind blowing. But I digress.
Just take a glance at the low quality picture of the Vanilla "Sprinkly Delicious" Donut. The vibrant colors. The fluffiness. The complexity amidst the simplicity. The fact that yeast donuts are the most nutritious of the three discussed donut stylings, if a donut can even be considered nutritious. The option of picking off individual sprinkles and throwing them at the annoying children of your choice, including and not limited to your annoying inner child. Heck, take a potshot at my inner child if you will.
You'll miss, because much like myself, my inner child is aawesome.
But it shouldn't preclude you from trying. Because it is in the act of you trying, and the subsequent failure of your trial, that my inner child is declared aawesome. You see? You could very well be the means to an end that has already been set out!
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Album Review: Feist - The Reminder
I'm so out of my element here. I don't know how to properly review/critique anything that isn't insanely horrible (hi K-Fed!), pop, or hip hop. But in the spirit of constantly making a fool out of myself, I'm going to go ahead with this anyways.
Track One - So Sorry
Things Feist could possibly be sorry for:
- having an amazing voice that manages to make me feel inferior in oh-so-many-ways
- neglecting to say "bless you" after someone sneezed
- not holding the door open for the person behind her (for shame)
Track Two - I Feel It All
This track in particular, probably because the instruments bang a little harder, annoys me a little because her voice sounds like its coming through a sound filter in comparison to the crystal clarity of everything else going on.
Track Three - My Moon My Man
I'll make it a point to call someone of my choosing a "Skirty swift bean".
I wonder if moon-cake is readily available in supermarkets even if it is a tad off-season, or if I have to find the Asian black market for some.
Track Four - The Park
It got really quiet really quickly. Has the backing of crickets and "outdoorsy" noises. (Outdoorsy is a word? Feisty.) I suppose it's cohesive with the track title.
Track Five - The Water
I think Feist needs to be a little more creative with the track titles. Second track in a row that is pin-drop quiet but has the haunting quality her voice so readily provides.
Track Six - Sea Lion Woman
See now this title is intriguing. Upon inspection of the lyrics, I have found that a sea lion woman "drinks coffee" and "drinks tea". Wow. Amazing. Usually people pick a side in that debate! I think I'm going to investigate this!
Track Seven - Past in Present
I won't lie. I completely zoned this song out while preparing the poll for track six.
Track Eight - The Limit To Your Love
Feist is being pessimistically realistic.
Track Nine - One Two Three Four
Feist is proving once and for all that she can indeed count two four. I mean, to for. Forget it. This track is right up my alley, mostly because it involves the use of numbers and there's nothing more appealing than numbers (mmmm pi), but also because it sounds delightful, employing the use of some brass instruments!
Track Ten - Brandy Alexander
Feist likes sweet, brandy based, cocktails. Now, I know rappers like to endorse products (Have you seen the ridiculous string of T.I. Chevy commercials? T.I. and Nascar go together like peanut butter and people with peanut allergies. MORBIDLY. How many trucks full of money did they back onto his driveway for him to do agree to this? Two? Ten? I need to know.)
Track Eleven - Intuition
Didn't Jewel already make this song? There's some crowd interaction at the end of this track! She knows how to work an audience! Just like I know how to work a readership!
*crickets*
My mistake.
Track Twelve - Honey Honey
Billy Bee would be so proud of Feist.
Track Thirteen - How My Heart Behaves
Sigh. I don't want this album to end, but like most good things, it must also come to an end. I wonder what happens to be next on my play-list. Let's find out...Amerie! Vastly underrated, but I won't get into that today.
Wrap-Up
If you liked Feist's older offerings, you'll enjoy this. Very interested to see how she delivers in a live-performance venue.
Posted in
Album Review
posted by Buttug McOysty
. 2:40 PM .
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
April Showers Bring...
...students aplenty to read this humble blog of mine. And I'm all the more aawesome for it.
You see, as students across the board collectively decide to procrastinate on studying for their exams, they begin looking for just about anything but textbooks to occupy their time with. And maybe I don't care that I just ended the previous sentence with a preposition, but procrastinating students, look no further.
There's lots to be said, and I intend on saying lots of it. In fact, there's so much to be talked about, if I could quantify how many topics I actually have, and subtopics that stem from those topics, and side-notes that spawn from related ideas, it'd be just like a mini-mall of thoughts. Flea Market. Montgomery. You know it.
In fact, I have so much to get off my chest, you might be here for a while. To counteract any potential hunger that occurs along the way, I'll be serving soup and salad after the ninth paragraph.
Amongst other things, I believe I owe you the readership a preface for my last post, and a summary of the aftermath that is tonight's American Idol elimination show. But what y'all been pining for, begging for, extorting me for, pictures of me, Sir Buttug McOysty, no link because it's a formal title, hugging them trees! It's exclusive! You'll only be able to see it here! And only 3 people have had the privilege of previewing them!
Let's get on with it without any further delay.
Read More...
*snicker snicker*
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
The Sanjya Experience
*Preface* - I'll preface this post later.
7:33 - The American Idol live blog will commence in T minus 25 minutes. Apparently, I need to see this Sanjaya person for myself.
7:43 - Judge Judy is on Fox right now as the lead in to American Idol. Scintillating television programming at its absolute finest. Does anybody else want to fake a dumb altercation with me to get on this show and get torn apart by the sassy 65-year-old-looking Judge Judy?
7:48 - No, seriously! Anybody want to fight over the custody of a child? Or claim I owe them a gatrillion dollars? Or accuse me of peeing all over your trailer?
7:52 - "You think I believe that? I DON'T. Now step down." All this to a 10-year-old girl. Unintentional comedy alert! The kids look like they're about to break down and cry. I'm giving this a six on the UnCom (Unintentional Comedy in case you didn't catch that) scale. I have a thing for being mean to children.
8:00 - It's starting! It's starting! Smokes! Jennifer Lopez is celebrity theme whatever tonight! Best known for her insured-behind, and her role in Gigli. I need to see that movie to truly appreciate how horrible it really is.
8:03 - There's a reason I haven't watched this show in a few years now. Three minutes in and I'm already bored. We're getting off to a fantastic start.
8:04 - First up, Melinda Doolite. Straight out of the movie Dr.Doolittle... 2, not only can she sing a bit, she can talk to all sorts of animals! Why wasn't I blessed with a more interesting last name. It's my greatest weakness.
8:07 - Paula looks drunk. Simon didn't like it. Randy's black. Nothing has changed.
8:10 - I hope they show some hilarious Blue Jay commercials.
8:13 - LaKisha Jones has a video montage with J-Lo, where J-Lo totally dominates and almost pushes her out of the frame. This is no small feat as LaKisha is, how I say it, slightly heavy-set, very reminiscent of marshmallow-man from the Jays commercial!
8:16 - Simon: "I'm sure you were having fun, but not so sure about the people at home." Simon, tells it like it is.
8:18 - Are you kidding me? Is there a break after each contestant? Over/under on the time I deem watching dried paint sit on my wall more interesting than this show is set at 8:28, although I keep hearing about this Sanjaya character. I'll stick around.
8:22 - Chris Richardson, the plainest name thus far. Huh! He's like a blond version of K-Fed, with a slightly better singing voice!
8:25 - Randy doesn't need to learn the names of any guy contestant. He just lumps them under the general umbrella "dawg".
8:26 - Seacrest: "Paula, you were ascending on that performance. You were up!" Did Seacrest just make a subtle reference of Paula being high? Can I get a confirmation on that?
8:26 - Three contestants. Three commercial breaks. And I thought stupid game-shows did the most stalling. I stand corrected. Although, technically I'm sitting. So I'm sitting corrected. And hungry.
8:30 - Mercifully, we're halfway through this. This is the last time I let someone else pick an event for me to live blog. Much like the contestants' performances, this post has been very uninspired.
8:31 - Haley Scarnato's go-around. Perfect time to channel surf! Jays down 4-1. And women's hockey. Borrrrrring.
8:33 - Simon: "You have a good tactic right now, wear as least clothes as possible". TELLING IT LIKE IT IS, SINCE 163..2. I bet he invented the game "Simon Says". He's the only reason I'm still watching this programming. How is this one of the top rated shows in America? I hate the general public.
8:35 - Phil Stacey, wins the award for name that can double as both a guy and a girl's name. Versatility is an underrated quality. In fact, off the top of my head, other underrated qualities:
- having a good smile
- kept nose hairs
- non-stick pans and woks
Yup.
8:37 - There still hasn't been a GOOD performance. This is sad, if these guys are the top 8, then I officially declare America completely sapped of talent. I'm holding out hope for ONE contestant to completely stand out and blow me out of the water.
8:42 - Jordin Sparks. Could be an "electric" performance. Pun intended.
8:46 - Did the producers rig the show, delaying Sanjaya's performance, knowing I was only tuning in to watch Sanjaya? Does the world really revolve around me? Because now we have a hobbit-esque Blake Lewis up next, crowned with a butt-ugly fedora. As if he were competing with the earlier guy for the esteemed position of "most closely resembling K-Fed".
8:50 - Sanjaya sighting right before the commercial! She looks really young and just gave one of those V-for-victory signs! I'm officially excited!
8:52 - I just realized that Jennifer Lopez has added absolutely nothing to this show, other than attempting to push a contestant out of frame, albeit is the current highlight of this show. I wonder how much they paid her.
8:54 - *swallows water too quickly* WHAT THE HECK, SANJAYA IS A DUDE?!
8:56 - He's singing in a foreign language. On the top 10 list of things to do if you don't want to win American Idol, number 3 would be to sing in a foreign language. Although, I don't see the big fuss about this kid, other than me mistaking him for a her. He wasn't that bad. In fact, I'll be so bold and say that I hope he wins it all because I would easily take him over 4, if not 5 of the other contestants I unfortunately witnessed tonight.
8:57 - Sanjaya Malakar. That's a whole lotta a's in his name.
8:59 - "Seacrest out!" HE DIDN'T SAY IT! Why the heck not! Everyone knows the hardest thing to do is find a catchy slogan to end of a show/blog-post. He had one! Fine, if he don't want it, then I'm taking it.
9:01 - Time for House to come and redeem my television watching night. Seacrest. Out.
Monday, April 09, 2007
To Be Frank
Before you read (more haha pun) the post, please play this clip. It's thirty seconds. It's hilarious. And it may offend you.
It was brought to my attention by some well informed friends that the above commercial has been banned in Canada. Apparently, the exhibited violence against children is inappropriate. Even though the kid popped right back up and himself exclaimed in his best Keanu Reaves impression (which seriously lacked, they need to cast better children), "whoa".
I, for one, think these particular series of ads are ROFL-ly amusing, especially this one.
Leave it to a country that somehow allows wrestling (where it's not uncommon for men to hit women), 24 (they had guns pointed at those poor kids! "Damn Jack!"), and Ben Mulroney (he's just terrible) to air on television, and this being a small sampling discovered on a normal Monday night television lineup.
But God forbid we have a jolly and lovable man that resembles a slightly seared marshmallow, no, a chocolate covered marshmallow, engage in a puny (I would've spelled that word with two n's...it looks disfigured with one, but hey, I'm not a founding father of the English language) pillow fight with his children.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
*IMPORTANT EDIT* JOHN MADDEN IS MY HERO...REAL LIFE AND FANTASY SPORTS WISE
*DEPRESSED EDIT* ...
*Preface* This could very well be the last professional sports related post for a while. What a horrible preface.
A moment of silence for the Colorado Avalanche.
*moment*
Now, to find a way for them to get some lottery balls in the Oden/Durant sweepstakes.
On a very-much related note, has anyone else noticed how the two aforementioned men and the subsequent tanking efforts to acquire the rights to those men have devastated fantasy basketball teams?
Saturday, April 07, 2007
News Attacks! Get Back! Stay Back!
"Hey Buttug... the comments on your blog are edging out the actual blog on the interesting scale."
*wince*
This is what happens when I, the aawesome, the only, Buttug McOysty, slacks on the posting. Not only does my own commenting section begin to swell up in rebellion, a backlog of stories begging to be commented on starts building up and upon my return to the Internets, I don't even know where to start. But together, we'll get through this. I'll even spare you the dotted lines this time.
Now pay attention. This is a major move right here baby. You better get with it, or get lost. Ya understand?
"This is a public relations disaster on a day like today," Hogg said. "Four white people wrestling a black guy to the ground is not what you want." Indeed. They were shooting for eight white people wrestling the black guy to the ground, as it would've made for better pictures. So unfortunate.
If the toad is poisonous, did the guy in the picture immediately die after the photo-op? Never mind the fact that the toads were introduced to Australia as an attempt to control beetles (way to shoot yourself in the foot there my Australian brethren), the best part of this whole article is how they turn the toads into liquid fertilizer. Delicious.
The city of Toronto considered banning the use of leaf-blowers for the Spring and Summer seasons. They later realized the error of their ways and rescinded the legislation. I caught a big break on this one. Now I can happily continue to rid my lawn of unwanted leaves, freshly cut grass and stray children.
A boy finds a watch that was buried in the North Pole ice 3 years ago. How can this even be verified? What would happen if I put a pen in a bottle, accompanied by a note saying, "This was eaten by a Penguin near the South Pole 5 years ago. So the joke is on you because it has most probably touched penguin guts. Ew."
Threadless T-Shirts, Discriminating color-blind people since 1754.
And the winner of the most unintentionally funny story of this batch, the Japanese baby hatch! It's like a garbage bin, for all your unwanted babies! Just don't drop the wrong kid in there, there are no reimbursements.
That's the second time in one post I made fun of children. I really have it out for them for one reason or another.
Now, please excuse me as I run to Domino's for a Cheeseburger pizza. The pizza for fat people who don't like to decide.
*snicker snicker gobble gobble gobble*
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Numbers Can Be Easily Manipulated
*Preface* - It's about that time of year again when people procrastinate on exam studying. At least I know I have! As such, I've cooked up something extra lengthy and extra delicious for you to sink your metaphorical teeth into to pass the time. Please don't try to eat your actual computer monitor, I will not be held financially nor psychologically liable for that. I'd say reading this post beats watching the paint dry on your egg white wall, but it probably doesn't. If you can find a wall that currently has paint drying, then you're excused. It's riveting stuff.
An absolutely astonishing 71.2% of my readers (dubbed "The Six", not because there are actually six of you (maybe there are five of you and I simply count myself. TWICE (think about that while I end this complicated and confusing triple nested bracket)) but because I once made a snide remark about the dwindling readership) spend less than 5 seconds on my page at a time.
That's right. StatCounter would never lie to me, would you StatCounter?
NEVER
*Sidenote* - Whichever kid is visiting my site from People's Christian Academy, DURING school hours, IP address 216.223.158.249, for shame. Get back to work. I know I am a self-professed educator of the masses, but you may want to stay in school. Your other school. You're still here. I'll wait.
*humming the depressing Battlestar Galactica theme*
End sidenote.
*Next Sidenote* - Why has the average age of my readership submarined to 15-18 year olds. With all things considered, including the two older, wiser and if-they're-not-over-the-hill-it's-because-I-haven't-pushed-them-yet readers, I would've assumed that the average age of my readership would increase as reader retention rules would dictate. Safe to say I know little about anything!
Back on track now. Less than FIVE SECONDS. As if they stumbled across this site, muttered, "Oh crap." or "Not him again" or "Ahhh my eye, my precious precious eye that caught a glance of this Stupefying Stupidity Ahhh." (unless you're a Spartan, in which case you have a spare), and yes, the last person would announce that with the link intact.
This cannot continue. People need to read what I write, or at the very least, linger on this site as they drift off into their own little worlds, tricking my StatCounter into believing they're reading my words of little wisdom.
As such, I will now start a new initiative. For every person that spends more than one minute on this site, but no more than 10 minutes, because seriously if you're on here more than 10 minutes, you either went to the bathroom and forgot about closing your Internet browser and that messes up my statistics so please don't, or you're a really slow reader. And I look down on you. Because I'm tall. Not because you're a slow reader. I've said too much. Let's take a break so the outrage you currently feel can simmer down a tad.
*Washroom break*
For every user that stays on this site for 1 to 10 minutes, I will go outside and hug a tree. In the spirit of saving the environment. Trees, please!
One more statistic to note. Here are the top five commenters (Commenter is a word, what the heck is the plural if commenters is not a word?! Confusing!) of this blog during the month of March:
ButtugMcOysty
Tambo001 - Here's your requisite shout-out.
Sogh - You don't get a link because you have seemingly disappeared from the Internets.
MeenBauChew - Meen Bau is delicious.
Seasun - If there ever were a poll for best name, I'm convinced yours would land somewhere in the top five.
The fact that I myself am the top commenter on my own site is not very surprisingly. In fact, it's aawesome. The other four people I have only known for a minute. I can only concretely conclude that people get bored of my act real quick. Except for me. I'm the exception to my own rule.
To sum up, read me! Comment on me! A tree will be hugged and feel loved! And if you comment early and comment often, I will personally find a way to squeeze a link to your blog into my post!
Monday, April 02, 2007
Live Blogging The March Madness Final
I'm making the executive decision to put this entire post in "Read More" section because only two readers will care enough to read this comedy-laced sports-related but not sports-dominated post. And I'm one of them.
9:17 - Getting ready to go. My buddy John (I call him...John, but for post purposes, he'll be referred to as JL) provides the HD-TV, I provide the chips. Because I roll like that.
9:18 - Announcers: "Let's meet the teams!"
Except I've been religiously following these teams for the last few months. I can probably tell you the number of hairs on the head of each player. And their mother's maiden names.
9:23 - Tip off. Florida ball! Let's go! I picked Florida to win. JL has Ohio State. We're in for a whole night of trash talking after each big bucket.
9:24 - Conley Jr. with the first basket. He's going to be huge. Brewer just fired back. He'll carry Florida to the win.
9:26 - Lee Humphrey is so white he blends in with the beach-wood floor. Seriously, if you reside in Florida, you are obligated to get a tan.
9:28 - Over/under on how many times the announcers decide to tell us that Florida could be the first repeat champions since Duke did it is being set at 273 times.
9:29 - JL just offered me apple fruit bars. There needs to be a rule. When two or more guys gather to watch sports, food that is served has to be an 8 or above on the unhealthy food scale. With nachos dipped in cheese with a side of sizzling bacon being a 10. I'm hungry.
9:31 - JL: "But they're tasty".
I'm almost ready to kick him out of the room. And it's his house.
9:33 - I love it when one guy is calling for the ball and the rest of his team ignores him. It's everyone stops playing basketball, and commences a game of monkey in the middle out of nowhere. This brings back horrible elementary school memories. Let's move on.
9:34 - It's hard to type with one hand. I really should stop eating chips or stop blogging. There will be no having cake and eating it too tonight.
9:36 - Announcers: "There's a lot of touch fouls being called."
Two minutes for touching, if this were a hockey game. I'm going to laugh to death on the unintentional comedy play-by-play style.
9:42 - CBS's HD feed is messed up. Thanks for nothing. The one night HD is pivotal.
9:45 - Doritos should come out with sour cream and onion chips. Seriously.
9:46 - Oden just robbed Brewer of the ball in the mid-air. He also took his pride, and his lunch money at the same time.
9:57 - JL took over the laptop and proceeded to spend ten minutes on Facebook. *Shakes head*
During that time, Florida extended its lead to ten. Ohio State looks right on track to make its usual second half comeback. And during commercials, we flipped over to NBC to cheer on the Deal or No Deal contestant. And by cheer, I mean make snide comments about how horribly he is picking numbers and hoping he ends up with one dollar. I love that show.
10:00 - JL: "Hey, you're not allowed to edit your post. It defeats the purpose of live blogging."
I actually added this comment back in at 11:59PM because if there's anything this post is missing, its a sense of irony (I don't know how to use this word properly).
10:12 - Halftime. 40-29, Florida. Ha.
10:13 - Nicolas Cage movie - Next. "There's a nuclear bomb somewhere in the United States".
I say, "That's right. Me. Cuz I'm the bomb. Get it? Huh!!"
10:32 - Ohio State is making their comeback. But it may be too early. It's only the start of the second half. They're giving themselves ample time to internally combust (how is combust not a word?).
10:37 - My boy Humphrey just hit a three from like the half-court line. Ridiculous. I love him, his utter whiteness and all.
10:42 - Canadian commercials suck. I'm ready to fax the wonderful people over at CBS a big fat turd sandwich for screwing up the feed on the most important night, preventing me from watching spectacular American commercials.
10:46 - Thad Matta (Ohio State coach) very well could've been a hobbit in the Lord of the Rings. He looks that weird. Especially when he's dripping sweat. If only he was two feet shorter. If only.
10:53 - Announcer: "Conley hasn't played a very good game".
Conley proceeds to pull of a wicked layup, switching hands in midair. Never, ever call out a player like that. It's just asking to be proved wrong and proved stupid.
10:55 - Florida's Richard was just fouled.
JL: "It's okay, he can't shoot free throws."
Richard then calmly steps up and hits the free throw. I'm telling you, these kids are out to prove people wrong. Don't call them out. It's like waking up a sleeping giant Hulk. Or provoking a serial killer. Or being African decent and heckling Michael Richards at a comedy club. It's just not smart.
11:01 - I just took a quick pee break. JL's toilet seat automatically falls down. I had to hold it up while peeing. Very annoying. In other news, Thad Matta just drank a cup of water in an attempt to counteract the buckets of sweat he has lost thus far.
11:07 - JL: "Don't leave the white guy! Don't!"
11:11 - I just wanted to throw something up at the one one one one mark.
11:13 - Florida point guard Taurean Green missed a wide open layup. Seriously. He was surrounded by his own teammates. Even I could've made that. And I'm the equivalent of a dead duck on the basketball floor. Ugh. If Florida loses, I'm holding Mr.Green personally responsible.
11:20 - Noah sinks two free throws. 14 point game. I can see the victory! You readers can see the end of this post!
11:22 - Conley just stole an inbounds pass and put it in. Ten point game. It's not over yet.
11:24 - JL has broken out his electric guitar and started some depressing blues riff as a sign that it's over for Ohio State.
11:29 - Ballgame. Florida. March Madness. See you next year. Goodnight.