The following is an excerpt taken directly from one of my favorite Intnert people. It's more creative, more genius, and more eloquent than I could ever phrase it. I only altered the language slightly because I'm considerate like that. You're welcome.

1983.5 (Beta)

INT - CHENEY'S LAIR - AFTERNOON

CHENEY sits behind a desk. He is playing NINTENDOGS on his DS, but, instead of trying to teach them tricks, he is STABBING the puppies with his STYLUS.

CHENEY: Not so tough now, are you? Answer me! Oh, you want some too?!

The INTERCOM on CHENEY's desk buzzes. He sighs, reluctantly puts the DS in his DESK DRAWER, and presses the intercom BUTTON.

CHENEY: Yes?

SECRETARY: John Poindexter is here to see you.

CHENEY: Tell him I'm out.

SECRETARY: I tried that, sir, but he can smell the brimstone.

CHENEY: Bah! Send him in.

A moment passes. The DOOR opens, and John Poindexter enters, left.

POINDEXTER: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey, Doctor Doom! Howz'it--

CHENEY: SILENCE, MINION! A, I told you never to call me that again. B, you have thirty seconds, five of which you squandered on the "hey."

POINDEXTER: I--

CHENEY: SILENCE!!

Several moments pass.

CHENEY: You may begin. Twenty seconds.

POINDEXTER: Well, look, just wanted to tell you about a new National Security idea I cooked up last night. Oh man, this one is a doozy.

CHENEY: Dexter, your last idea--the future's market where people would bet on upcoming terrorist attacks--wasn't exactly a barnburner. And we're still dealing with the fallout from the whole wiretapping boondoggle. So I'm afraid we're going to have to pass.

CHENEY reaches over and puts his HAND on the LEVER to the left of his desk, preparing to open the TRAP DOOR.

POINDEXTER: Wait! My new plan would egregiously violate the civil rights of countless Americans!!

A beat. CHENEY reluctantly removes his hand from the lever.

CHENEY: Okay, I'm intrigued.

POINDEXTER: Imagine this: a mechanism that would track the activities of thousands of Internet users. Where they go, what they're doing, who they see--everything.

CHENEY ROLLS his EYES.

CHENEY: We've had that for years, knucklehead. We collect IP addresses, sent emails, site logs, the works.

POINDEXTER: Sure, of course. But I'm talking about a system that would keep tabs on Internet users when they are not online, while they are walking around in the real world.

CHENEY: Hmm. I like the way you think, Dex, but I'm afraid that idea is pretty much DOA. We got a Democratic congress now, and there's no way they'll allow us to amend the PATRIOT ACT to allow it.

POINDEXTER: Ah, but that's the best part. The program would be entirely voluntarily!

CHENEY snorts derisively.

CHENEY: Why would anyone voluntarily reveal information about their everyday activities?

POINDEXTER: Oh, you know: we'll just say the whole thing is some kind of Web 2.0 Social Networking website. We'll use lots of pastel colors, cutsie icons. Call it "Trackr" or "Twitter" or "Facelog" or something. Trust me, Doctor D.: the hipster and early adopters will eat, it, up!

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Actually, before we get to that, I need you, the delightfully wonderful readership of Stupefying Stupidity to rally together and spam somebody for me. Long story short, this will not only be a demonstration of the tremendous power I wield, but this act will hopefully sway the recipient to forever use Gmail, of which I am a paid (not really) advocate for.

So in your spare time, either sign this email up for spam, or shoot over a couple emails just for kicks. Even if the email consists of one cryptic letter. Or ASCII art. Everybody can appreciate ASCII art. Click Read More for the email address, or to skip to the geek humor.

chung_sa...Changed my mind! Leave a comment if you were actually interested in this endeavor, I'll be sure to contact you directly with further instructions. But for now, I won't stir up the masses (all 6 of you). Now, enjoy the video.

This is for all the young-ins that are mere months away from scampering off to their respective university/colleges. This ninja imparts some advice, because I decided to take a break from dropping knowledge on y'all.

"It's your secondary education, or your secondary dead-ucation."
"Never take a class from a person with a ponytail. They are tools. The tool to ponytail ratio is astounding."

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*Preface* - One of the young-ins that frequents this blog AND commenting section (bless her soul) has taken it upon herself to link to herself in her own blog. This is one of the most powerful writing techniques that has yet to be given a name (at least to my supremely limited knowledge). Self-referencing with the extra benefit of an annoying page refresh would be my description. I don't even know how to write that up in my works cited section. Speaking of which, this is yet another installment of McOysty's essay-lengthed posts. With a poll at the end. And a soda on the side.

I stumbled across this list of attractive geek qualities during the daily once-over of the Internets. I'm going to ignore the fact that it states "I'm not implying that every perl programmer or 15 year kid who plays WoW all day possesses all these qualities.". I'm going to go ahead and see which of these qualities I have or do not have. Then at the end, you, the readership, get to determine my fate.

Because if there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that chicken wings are delicious. If there was a second thing to be sure of, it would be that readership interactivity is important to any successful blog. And I'm not talking about the fake generated audience interaction that I generally denote by skipping to a new paragraph and switching to italics. I'm talking about the deal where you get to speak your mind without actually having to comment for fear of exposing you read my blog every day. Thrice. Am I right or am I right!?

You're always right McOysty

Thank you. And as further redundant encouragement to click the Read More link, remember, you get to vote for something at the end! Come take a dive with me.

1. You're probably very smart.
"Diabolically genius" is a subsection of smart in my books.
Check-mark.

2. It's hip to be geek.
I have thick glasses, no pocket protector, no obsession with star trek, and social skills worse than a sack of potatoes. 2 and 2. We're going to need a tie break. I do not play any computer games.
No check-mark.

3. You geek out on more than just your computer.
I don't know the first thing about anything technological/sci-fi outside of my computer. But watching my fingers fly as I hammer out alphabet after alphabet is quite mesmerizing.
Still, no check-mark.

4. Geek humor is the best humor.
Excuse me while I press the caps lock button.
CHECK THAT MARK.

5. You listen to good music.
For the most part, sure. I also have a curious fascination with the horrible MIMS song, the one where he raps "This is why I'm hot" but never actually tells you why except that "he's fly" which explains next to nothing. Well I'll tell y'all why I'm hot. It's because I...wear a big parka in the middle of summer (get it?! GEEK HUMOR REIGNS SUPREME)
Ahem.
Check mark.

6. You make good money.
BALLINNNNNNNNN' I fly high, no lie, you know that.
Check...mate.

7. You fix stuff.
The only things I fix are sporting events that I have a vested interest in. And by vested, I mean money riding on. Jokes! Remember, not only is gambling slightly stupid, fixing stuff takes so much longer than replacing stuff!
No check mark.

8. You've got your own stuff going on.
I have no life.
I get no check mark.

9. You're very articulate.
Uhhhh awkward is the antithesis prevents me from being articulate in person.
No check mark for you.

10. You're passionate.
With a passion that rivals Mel Gibson's. Actually, not really. I just like saying that.
Nada checka marka.

So my final tally shows that I possess only 4 of the 10 qualities on that list. The big question is as follows. The aforewritten post notwithstanding, am I, the aawesome Buttug McOysty, still a geek?

Vote early. Vote often. Vote to win. Vote or Die. Then vote again the next day. Sorry, new poll host, new rules. But, you get to select more than one option!

Is McOysty a geek?
	Excuse you while you press the caps lock button. YES.
	Not only is he a geek, he is a nerd, a dork and all other synonyms.
	I didn't actually read the rest of the post before skipping down here, again, so I really don't know what to vote for. But, yes, yes he most def is.
	Ignoring the introduction of an unfair bias by using the word "geek", yup, he's a geek.
	Wow, there's a fifth option! But he's still a geek.

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I came here with a full head of steam, ready to exercise some creativity muscles and post something spectacular.

And then as I got ready to type, I realized I had nothing to talk about today. I mean, besides the soccer player being traded for 33 pounds of meat.

Instead of attempting to trump up an above, but not too much above, average story, I think I'll store up material for a future post.

While I'm at it, I might as well test this new piece of code. Just curious as to how this Internet poll stacks up against the other ones out there. I'll kick things off with the inaugural first ballot, hopefully bypassing the "awkward firsts" syndrome.

Vote early. Vote often. Vote to win. Vote or Die.

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77 - Show Us Your B-Side - If you could choose the soundtrack to your life, what would be playing?

- Margaret Mason's, No One Cares What You Had For Lunch - 100 Ideas for Your Blog.

As you may have astutely deduced (or is it induced?) from the title, I only intend to cover a small portion of my long life in this post. A lot has happened. A lot of that can be set to music. And a lot will. Real music too, I might add. I'm going to embed some so that you can play it as you read.

Because, as we all know, no one cares what you had for lunch. But it's always fun to go back and exaggerate (for hilarity purposes) major lifetime moments. Plus, it serves the dual purpose of one day being the book which I will read bedtime stories to my grandchildren from. You know, assuming the Internets is (are?) not obsolete by then.

And this number was chosen by Mike, err, Mike. Although I later edited his comment and put this number in myself because my name is McOysty, and I am aawesome.

Ready steady, Freddy? In the beginning...

...I was born.



Don't get it twisted. As glorious as my birth probably was, I'm no Messiah. The only thing I save is 15% by switching my car insurance to Geico. Cue the crickets.



My jokes don't usually go over well. Technically, this is foreshadowing, I'm getting way ahead of myself. Back then, the only thing I was capable of thinking about was how scared I was of grass. Absolutely terrified.



I know it's a total misuse of this song. But according to some 200% reliable Internet sources, Alanis misused the word ironic. "While some situations that Morissette describes in the song are arguably examples of cosmic irony ... if one discounts cosmic irony, it is arguable that the song is ironic in and of itself - there is a fundamental incongruity in a song titled "Ironic" which ultimately contains no irony." - Wikipedia (aka my 200% reliable Internet source) See how it works? I will now parallel that by misusing this song, because I seriously could not find another song that remotely talked about being scared of grass, other than the cosmic irony that the age I was supposed to be rolling around in grass and dirt I was scared of grass. And by misusing the song, I will actually be paying homage to the artist's initial misuse yet eventual validation.

Feel free to read that confusing paragraph again. I'll play some music while I wait.



Haha you can have your phone and eat it too. Ahem, oh you're back! Okay, let's move on to Part 2 - The Young and The Restless (No Soap).

Tomorrow.

Or whenever I find the time to put a post like this together again. But it gets better, and that's a guarantee you can take to the bank and deposit it and earn lots and lots of interest with.

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What is up with the recent rash of ROFL-hilarious Tracy Morgan interviews?

I offer you two theories:

1. He's perpetually in character.

or

2. He's been drinking too much of the "special" juice. OH (and that's a chemistry pun) my.

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Metaphorically speaking, I construct a suspension bridge over Lake Ontario for an inter-province highway (to nowhere, I don't know my geography, sorry, I'd totally lose to a fifth grader in that stupid television show), and this bridge happens to be the most-used bridge in the entire solar system. People's lives depended on it. People's jobs depended on it. People's academic careers depended on it. People's ability to go to the corner store and grab ice-cream depended on it. People that have nothing better to do than to drive back and forth on the most aawesome highway in the solar system depended on it.

I woke up today from a classic Sunday afternoon nap to a personal Armageddon. The bridge had collapsed. The damage was devastating, and irreparable.

You know that point in cheesy chick flicks where one person says, "I don't want to fall asleep in case I wake up and this has been one big dream", or put similarly but differently, but altogether more succinctly, by Aerosmith, "I don't want to fall asleep cuz I'd miss you"?

They knew what they were talking about.

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My 50 Things I Do When I'm Bored
- tagged by ILoveMyKiki

1. I like these lists, though I tend to take liberties with them a lot.
2. Let's go.

3. Twiddle thumbs.
4. Twiddle my index fingers. Try it, feels kinda awkward don't it!
5. Bite my fingers/finger nails. Horrible.
6. Do a crossword puzzle. Although, I don't need to be bored to do this one.
7. Look up answers on the Internet for the crossword puzzle, because I never finish. I'd usually wait for the answers to come the next day, but if I'm sufficiently bored...
8. Read - books, newspapers, magazines, the Internets (especially my own blog)
9. Hold on a sec. Things that I do when I'm bored more often than not tend to be the things I do when I'm not bored.
10. You know, in an attempt to counteract the boredom, I draw on experiences that have been fulfilling in the past.
11. Therefore shouldn't the title of this list be re-worded to something like "Things I Do Not Do When I Am Not Bored"?
12. Or do double negatives not confuse people too little (what?)
13. Back to the matter at hand now.
14. I find some new music and bump it before I inevitably end up playing classics.
15. I take an extra and unnecessary course from school. Big. Mistake.
16. Contrary to a commonly held belief that I post on this blog when I'm bored, I usually post when I'm riled up about something.
17. Sorry, that last one shouldn't have counted, I should've said "I DON'T blog".
18. Although what is "blogging"? Some would consider the act of reading another person's blog falls under the general term "blogging".
19. I wish for a laptop.
20. If I had a laptop, then I'd drag it over to the television and start live blogging television events.
21. I wish for snacks.
22. For some reason, I never have easy access to snacks in Toronto.
23. Whether it be at work or at home, I embark on a thorough search for snacks that often ends in miserable hungry failure.
24. I complain to my mommy about the lack of snacks and beg her to replenish the supply with cookies, cupcakes and chicken wings. Oh my.
25. Twenty five in. Why did I agree to do this. Why.
26. It's going to be a dogfight between me and my will-power to finish this one.
27. I pick start obsessing about something I never cared about before (re: March Madness).
28. Kevin Durant is MY American Idol.
29. I'm hungry. Excuse me a second while I go bug the mother for some food.
30. *chew chew chew*
31. Shoot some pool.
32. Shoot some Golden-Eye.
33. Shoot, I should probably end this list soon to get my essay done.
34. Sleep!
35. Shower!
36. Did I mention I eat a little?
37. Begrudgingly clean my room.
38. Play free-cell while half paying attention to some television show.
39. But the most important thing on this list that I do when I'm bored is as follows.
40. When I'm bored, I inexplicably leave things unfinished.
41.

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Now I know full well that there never were snakes in Ireland to begin with.

But some many years ago, an urban legend proclaimed that Saint Patrick declared war on the snakes in Ireland and chased them off his island.

His actual words were, "Get these mother9*$#^@%($ snakes off my this mother(*@&# island".

As such, every year, a group of people mainly comprised of, but not limited to, folks of Irish decent go out and have a merry old time drinking until their faces turn green. It's all very logical in my mind, please stay with me.

In honor of St.Patrick's Day...Eve...I thought the kids at Notre Dame, known more commonly as the "Fighting Irish", would pull out a win for Irish folks everywhere, and McOysty's NCAA March Madness bracket.

Lesson learned. Never count on the Fighting Irish to do anything on the day before and the following three days of St. Patty's Day due to unconfirmed and stereotypical inebriation.

Check the awesome logo though. I wonder if their mascot re-enacted a drunk fighting Irishman. Can somebody You-Tube that if it ever happens? Thanks.

I'd like to take the Read More section to apologize to Irish folks everywhere for perpetuating awful stereotypes.

And please remember, don't drink and drive.

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Hi, my name is Eric Maynor...

*Hi Eric Maynor*

...and I singlehandedly saved Buttug's bracket from imploding tonight. Instead, he is currently sitting pretty, pretty smugly, with a tidy record of 14-2.

To be fair, I should probably give a shout-out to Marquette's Jerel McNeal for breaking his thumb.

Day One, and I've already become a self-proclaimed expert. Who knows what could happen to my ego if the picks keep turning up McOysty.

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March 14. 1:59am/pm. I hope you had a slice of pie. And if you don't understand, you are not nearly 1337 enough. Better go back to school to get some educations. Uh-huh.

Don't run off to get your backpack just yet. This comic may be enlightening.

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I've never done one of these before, and I'm only putting it up here so that in a week, I can come back here and either gloat, or subject myself to a big helping of crow sandwich. Before you laugh at my idiot picks, realize I know nothing about college basketball and usually went for the higher ranked team, which I realize is just bracket-busting logic. Either way, this gives me motivation to pay slight attention to the events that are about to unfold.

*Note* I intentionally made it about 5 times smaller than normal legibility rules would dictate, because most Canadians could care less. I'd be willing to wager that a good half my readership doesn't even know what I'm talking about. If you really care, or really want to see what the fuss is all about, then click the image for a readable version. If not, go here for some reading material.

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*Preface - It's essay time again! Which means I totally cheat on my posts! It could be argued that the content actually improves. I would be on the "yes, yes it does" side of that debate.

Jim Carrey. Conan O'Brien. Max Weinberg. Quantum Physics. Let's go.

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Readership of Stupefying Stupidity, I have a couple questions for you.

Do you like your beat down low?
Do you prefer your top let back?
Are you convinced you can make it rain?
Is your money so sick, you need to see a doctor?
Do you feel washed up like money that's laundered?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, or even more tellingly, if you don't understand the questions, then welcome to the club that thinks that today's hip hop music is a whole lot of ignorant garbage, more specifically, just a whole bunch of words strung together usually about absolutely nothing, unless its the odd song about money, misogyny, or chicken noodle soup (with that soda on the side). Yet there's something so undeniably attractive about it. And I love it like good food.

And the president of this wonderful club, yours truly, Buttug McOysty. I'm hot cuz I'm fly. You ain't, cuz you not.

Have my standards gone the way of T.I.'s preferred beats (down low, if you didn't catch that earlier)? Possibly. But I would argue that music has always had its fair share of clowns running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Now is no different, and if you search long and hard enough, there is still good music to be found. And taste is highly subjective, although that could also be debated. Everything can be debated. I make it a point to debate any and everything. But that's neither here nor there.

I'm talking about the most ignorant songs, ones usually found in clubs (not that I'd know, but I know people that know, and they know to let me know, ya know?), that you'd probably have to read the lyrics thrice over to find out exactly what they were mumbling about. Not that most people in the clubs care anyways, I'd hazard a guess that they're not there to discuss the consequences of a faulty foreign policy.

Think about it this way. Imagine an uninspired, if not dragging, episode of The Apprentice. Teammates are bickering, Donald Trump is stating obvious business lessons such as, "Teamwork is important, I like team players, please don't look at my hair", and trying to be overly confident to cover for his comb over. One team is head and shoulders (no shampoo) above the other team. Then they cut to a Subway commercial with that jerk Jared Fogle proclaiming the dietary wonders of a Subway sub. Kill me now. All of a sudden, the glorious Alec Baldwin makes a guest appearance, instantly making the show not only watchable, but borderline likable. You stay glued to the edge of your seat for the rest of the show, hanging onto every word and action Sir Alec says or makes.

Unintentionally hilarious lines are the Alec Baldwin's of otherwise horrible rap songs. It's why I still listen to music.

*Side-note* - Only in hip-hop can you get away with a chorus/hook that consists of the artist spelling out their name, or the title of the song, or a significant word. I would really like to see John Mayer try to pull this off.

"I'm fly like an eagle, but no I'm not Donovan,
Boy you better go eat some soup with your mom and them."

Did he actually say anything? No. But he just poked fun at a soup commercial!

High-larious.

Apologies for the horrendous quality of the video, it was the first one that popped up only one I could find.

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Google does this thing where it scans emails (and search requests) and tailors the advertisement section over on the right hand side based on keywords entered. Targeted ads, instead of the shotgun approach often found in spam emails.

During the course of my daily emailing, I was discussing the possibility of presenting someone with a pink polo shirt.

After finishing up the email, I allowed my eyes to wander a tad to the right, and sandwiched between "Promotional Clothing" and "Wholesale Merchandise", was this thoughtful little ad:

My Bra Info
Get Info on My Bra
from 14 Search Engines in 1

Superb work by the programmers over at Google!

Speaking of inapprorpriate...

JoJo has a song titled "How to Touch a Girl". Which person in charge of her career approved this project? And how did the record label people not put an end to this nonsense before it got out?

Granted, I'm a little behind on this, as the song was released in 2006, but even if it was released in 2007, she'd still only be SEVENTEEN years old. Why isn't she singing about going to Disney Land or about how homework sucks?

Not that it's not ludicrous for a woman of any age to be singing this...

Upon further inspection, at least the lyrics aren't blatantly explicit:

Do you know how to touch a girl?
If you want me so much
First I have to know
Are you thoughtful and kind?
Do you care what's on my mind?
Or am I just for show?
You'll go far in this world
If you know how to touch a girl

That's what they're teaching kids these days? You'll go far if you are motivated, believe in the cause, work hard, practice until perfect, give it all you've got, stay in school, don't do drugs, are tremendously talented know how to touch a girl?

Ridiculous.

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The highly esteemed broadcasters at FOX have decided to answer this question. They do this by bringing on the dumbest dolt who doesn't mind being embarrassed on national television for a quick buck. They proceed to ask said person ten questions randomly selected from ten different subjects a fifth grader would be taught, or have been taught in the past, in any public school institution. Theoretically.

I say theoretically because if I was a fifth grade teacher, I definitely would not teach my kids about astronomy. I mean, talk about a volatile subject. I heard last year, a group of people got together and decide Pluto wasn't good enough to be a planet anymore. How can I teach that?

The contestant can choose to answer the questions, correct answers being rewarded monetarily, or they can choose to walk away with whatever money they have amassed to that point.

If the contestant incorrectly answers a question but has previously answered 5 questions correctly, they leave with $25000. If they have not answered 5 questions yet, they leave with nothing. Either way, they are obligated to look into a camera and say the punchline, "I am not as smart as a fifth grader." They'll try to play it off like it's no big deal, but you can see that they just died a little bit inside. And I would fast forward every episode just to watch a person deliver this sad statement.

It makes me giggle.

Of course, to help out the poor uninformed contestant, there are lifelines that include "copying off a fifth grader". There are five different fifth graders and each can only help with two questions at a time. Meaning the contestant chooses which student will be eligible to "cheat off of" every two questions. Also meaning that one poor kid will be chosen last (most of my previous team sports' memories), or worse yet, some kids may not be chosen at all (the rest of those memories).

Sounding eerily similar to "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"? I concur that it's a little sad that we're still spinning off a game show that debuted in 1998. But that's not my point here.

I want to know ...

WHERE I NEED TO GO, OR WHO I NEED TO TALK TO, IN ORDER TO SIGN UP.

There's really nothing more satisfying than pwning a bunch of kids. And walking away with a bucketful of cash.

I will now elaborate, clarify, magnify, exemplify and conclude my point with this:

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22 - Play Their Games - Look for a community project that interests you, and bring something to the party. Your contribution can be as small as posting a response to a question. Point readers to your contribution, perhaps you'll inspire them to make something worthwhile as well.

- Margaret Mason's, No One Cares What You Had For Lunch - 100 Ideas for Your Blog.

Community project? Where I chip in my two cents for a common cause/goal? Sounds like something I've done before. The project was quickly aborted as the four of us realized we were much too committed to other things (re: our own blogs) to pull double duty for a second blog. Plus, we were young and less developed and less committed to things in general. We disbanded with no hard feelings.

Two of the co-creators decided to start up a suspiciously similar project just this past February. Unbeknown to me and obviously without my consent or blessing. I'm sure there is some partnership agreement that either prohibits the use of partnership insignia outside of the partnership, or entitles me to a royalty cheque because of this outside use.

How suspiciously similar? Allow me to further examine.

1. The use of pseudonyms.
Granted, many people, myself included, use an alias on the Internets. The thing is, these co-creators tend to use their real names on their personal blogs. The third writer will not be identified, I have no problems with her, she was not part of the project I was involved in.

2. The background image.
It may be deceiving at first, but the images are the SAME. The newer version just has some color splashed on it and divided into three little sections. If they really wanted to trick me, they should've inverted it, or flipped it upside down. They have so much to learn when it comes to stealing intellectual property. Sigh.

3. The subtitle.
I'm just your modern day Sherlock, here to investigate and serve. And when I dig, I dig deep. Click on the RSS feed for the new project, and notice how it's subtitled "two guys and a girl and everything inbetween". Compare that with the original project's title of "3 Guys, a Girl and Everything in Between". If this were a murder crime, and the titles were the DNA samples, and I was on CSI Miami with that wicked awesome punchline/song intro combo, David Caruso would be exclaiming, "It's...a match".

Now what's the point of all this? Am I really hating on the boys for going behind my back?

Perhaps.

They have since corrected their mistake and invited me to join them as they attempt to win over readership. This post probably will help them. They even told me the password, which is the acronym that is the fellowship we attend up in Kingston. The Chinese Christian one. Because they're super creative like that. I may have said too much.

In all honesty, go give them a read. They're pretty wacky and different people, and it should evoke a very special, if not odd, sensation. Too bad they don't update as regularly as me. I'm still the king of the Internets. This last paragraph was put in not only because I genuinely feel this way, but I'm currently living in their apartment and typing this up on one of their laptops. I'm eternally grateful.

But more importantly, with information being so freely available on the Internets today, it's kinda cool to sit back once in a while and notice the overt redundancy that are the hot topics of the day, the breaking news stories of the hour, and the general sentiments shared by most in our society. Nothing is new under the sun, as another overly used phrase goes.

Go ahead my wonderful readership and BE DIFFERENT. Even if different is just an amalgamation of things you've encountered over the course of your life. That's what makes you you! Don't settle for the status quo, find things that make you come alive. Say the things you want to say, even if it's a "I like Valentines Day, I don't care if it's blatant consumerism!" Bev, you chose number 22 a long time ago, so I'm picking on you.

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*Preface - I haven't really really posted since last week, and I don't foresee myself posting again anytime this week, at least nothing substantial, so you may want to read half of it and come back tomorrow to read the rest. Beggars can't be choosers. So think of this post as two/three in one*****. At least in terms of length. Each post I write up is already assigned a quality rating of infinity. And you can't add infinity to anything. Unless you're Jack Bauer, then you can add infinity to anything. Twice.

I started this post in February, but I only got around to finishing it in March. It's really that long.

I originally planned to preface this post by explaining the gist of the following hypothetical interview, but I figured if you didn't get it, you'd just leave an angry comment and we'd all be happier that way, or at least I'd be. And, I'm not one to delete content from my posts, even if it is a measly preface.

*preface sulks away*

I'm sorry preface, I didn't truly mean you were measly. Honestly! When I tell a joke, only 50% of it is actually true! I only half meant it! Please, come back! I miss you!?

*sad quivering violin background music*

School's almost out and you still haven't found a job. Don't panic just yet, a super-hero that hasn't discovered his power yet (that's the only reason I have yet to be cast on the television show Heroes) is here to help. Here's how a job interview with yours aawesomely, ButtugMcOysty, would hypothetically go. Feel free to model yourself after me, as I totally jacked this off a site that was Digg'd all the way to the top. I'm paying it forward. A lot of Internet Intellectual Property of mine has been jacked recently. Another post, another day, perhaps tomorrow. On an unrelated note, I tend to get marks deducted for not citing properly on scholarly essays. Who'da thunk'd it!

Interviewer: So, McOysty, tell me a little about yourself.

Interviewee: Because they'll roll and they can't fall down the hole. And because manholes are round.

Interviewer: Um, okay, how about your most recent project?

Interviewee: Turn on two switches, wait a while and turn one off. If the bulb is on, it's the one left on. If the bulb is off and warm, it was the one you switched off. Otherwise it's the one you didn't touch.

Interviewer: How big was the team you were on?

Interviewee: You don't bury survivors.

Interviewer: Uh, what was your contribution to the team?

Interviewee: Light both ends of fuse one and one end of fuse two. When fuse one burns out, light the other end of fuse two.

Interviewer: How would you deal with adding a feature to a late project?

Interviewee: A and B cross, A comes back, C and D cross, B comes back, A and B cross.

Interviewer: How would you handle a conflict between coworkers?

Interviewee: They're seven and a half degrees apart.

Interviewer: What programming languages are you most comfortable with?

Interviewee: Sometimes I'm too much of a perfectionist and I expect too much from my teammates.

Interviewer: You're hired.

Since the title of the post does not necessarily constrain this post to be about high-tech brain-teaser interviews, I will now cleverly transition into helping people get ready for med-school interviews. They get asked about current events and opinions on them (from what I hear, I've never actually been interviewed by a medical school, I was too busy saving multiple lives in the OR*).

IT'S JUST LIKE, A MINI MALL! FLEA MARKET! MONTGOMERY!

Does anybody else enjoy the deployment of color on this site or is it just you?

*awkward...this is the actual transition*

Thank the heavens for wonderful websites like CNN.com, informing me with important news. There are fluff pieces, and then there are fluffy pieces of uselessness.

A questionable parent, or should I say, a questionable human being, bet and lost his daughter in a game of poker. The BIG question is, if that girl was sold for the equivalent of 151 US dollars, and allow me to use the bold font here because this needs to be asked, how much can I get for a healthy, slightly more muscular but not as blessed in the IQ or looks department (I kid because I'm mean) relative to me brother of mine?

If I can't trade him for monetary compensation, can I perhaps use him as a down payment for a car? Frick, if you're going to trade a baby for a car, then at least go for something that's NOT a Dodge Intrepid.

Sidebar here, but this is one of the tenets to McOysty Negotiation 101. When negotiating, always set the standard ridiculous high (or low, depending on which side of the coin you're on). In more common speak, DON'T EVER START OFF WHERE YOU WANT TO END OFF. Simple enough? Or simply delicious enough? So, when it comes to cars, you ALWAYS ask for the Batmobile first. Always.

I have no comment about this story. The kid in the story, also cannot make a verbal comment. That's, just horrible. I'm sorry.

Scientists, my favorite group of useless people in the world, have succeeded in controlling the flight of pigeons through implanted brain electrodes. Don't get me wrong, I understand the implications, but my guess is, these guys just sat around thinking, "Justin brought back sexy, even though McOysty never let it go in the first place, so next on our list of things to bring back**, edging out dinosaurs by two votes, are CARRIER PIGEONS!"

Jupiter's gravity field is powerful. The probe that was on its way to Pluto had an ETA of 12 years, but because of the gravity field, it saves 3 years? I'd sure like to save 3 years every morning off my 20 minute commute. If only Jupiter were a Pokemon*** that I could choose to use. Sigh.

Hold on a second. Why are we sending things to Pluto? I blame this on the scientists. It's not even a PLANET! That's right, I'm a planetist. If you ain't a planet, you get treated like a lesser individual by me. That's right. It don't even need to make no sense.

One more parting shot at scientists everywhere, and if you're one, or even want to be one someday, then I'm looking at you. Some Danish**** scientists have successfully proved that wine drinkers TEND TO buy healthier food than beer drinkers. This is absurd, how can they correlate these two things? If I told you that coffee drinkers tend to watch more television, firstly, wouldn't you instantly blow me off and tell me I was an idiot and nobody cares about useless studies, and secondly are scientists still the most useless people in the WORLD?

How's that cure for cancer coming by the way? No? What about AIDS, anything on that front?

* With OR stands for "my imagination".
** This could be a future post.
*** Pokemon is an acceptable word in the English language?! There's no red squiggly underneath indicating otherwise! Amazing. And yes, the third asterisk totally came before the second one, but it happens when one post-processes but is too lazy to do a good job of it.
**** Mmmmmmmmmm Danish.
***** I totally placed the asterisks out of order. Is it blatant that I write my posts (and essay for that matter) in a whack order? Anyways, three in one is reminded me of the Holy Trinity. Cool. Please don't mistake this for blasphemy.

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