*Preface - I don't know which irresponsible parents are personally escorting their kids around university campus tours on a Wednesday (school day, hello) before a long weekend, which would have been a much better time to visit a campus. Irony demands that the kids now fail school, or not obtain a high enough GPA to be admitted into the universities they visited. Nevertheless, here's how a theoretical campus tour of Queen's would have went down today.

*Preface 2 - I wrote most of this on Wednesday before I realized I had a paper & presentation to do for Thursday/Friday, so it's only coming up now. Deal with it.

Setting: Student Center, 10:00AM.

Wide-eyed prospective students and their irresponsible (see preface above) parents gather around my over-sized "follow me" flag

Tour Guide McOysty - Gather round, no need to push, the campus is big enough for all of us. I'll be your campus guide today, my name is Buttug McOysty, and it's a shame you can't see URL links in my oration. You're missing out. Seriously (stupefying stupidity). If at any point you have any questions, please feel free to interrupt me and ask!

Overly-Inquisitive-Girl - Why is there such an excessive amount of dust in the air?

TGM - That would be the construction. You hear the stabbing, head-ache inducing, ground-pounding noises in the background?

Overly-Inquisitive-Girl's Mother - How do you put up with this ruckus!

TGM - Angrily.

*whistles blowing in the background*

Borderline-Bored-Boy - Does a train run through your campus?

TGM - Your sarcasm is not appreciated.

*approaching the construction site, which at this point, is just one big empty space that is being cleared out*

TGM - Now, if you will indulge me for a minute. Everyone, close your eyes. Up ahead lies what will be the future Queen's Center. Included in this spectacular arrangement will be a brand new arena, gym facilities, food outlets. Granted, you'll never get to enjoy the new facilities as they won't be up and running till 10 years later, but you'll sure be paying an arm and a leg for something you'll never use!

TGM - Now, in a second, the ground will shake violently. Feel free to hold onto your children. But don't worry, I have not shipped you to the Iraq while your eyes were closed. This is simply the dynamite being exploded underground a couple times a day. Don't mind me as a duck and cover.

*ducks and covers*

Borderline-Bored-Boy - Did you just say, "the Iraq"? Aren't you in, like, university or something?

TGM - I guess your bountiful years of education has yet to let you in on topical humor.

Eager Beaver Teenager - Where are we now?

TGM - Metaphysically speaking?

Eager Beaver Teenager - Uhm.

TGM - And now we have arrived at the gift shop! Feel free to buy yourself a "Friends don't let friends go to Western" t-shirt.

Shy Guy - Hey, my sister goes to western.

TGM - And water is wet.

Overly-Inquisitive-Girl's Mother - That's it. We're leaving. I should have never irresponsibly pulled my kid out of school for a day only to be stuck with the worst, most uninformative, disrespectful, yet strangely aawesome, campus tour guide. I'm going to report you to your higher-ups.

TGM - Just make sure you plan your path back carefully! The campus is like a little rat maze with all this construction going on! Have yourself a fantastical day. And thank you for embarking on Buttug McOysty's abbreviated guide to Queen's University.

*End-note* - I have a feeling the making-up-random-words and horrendous tense switches on this blog are affecting my ability to put together a cohesive professional paper for school.