Luckily I know how to treat myself after watching such a medically based show.

Seriously though, after watching too many episodes of scrubs that I spent a few days downloading, and by the way, downloading whole seasons is the way to go if you want my opinion, I have noticed that in addition to the person that walks around me playing music that reflects the current situations/moods in my life, I also need a narrator. That was quite possibly the longest run on sentence ever.

And that my friends is the key to a good sit-com these days. Not a run on sentence, although that does help at times. A narrator. Person to add in extra quips. For extra sarcasm because there can never be enough sarcasm. To say what I'm really thinking (adrian's a jerk). Or in my case, an extra person that'll follow me around and make me look as cool as old school (WHA?). If your sitcom failed, its because a) you suck as a writer and b) you didn't have a narrator.

I think it's pretty clear that I've already mentally checked out to my long weekend vacation already. How to end this horrible/waste-of-your-time (ha jokes on you I wasted your time)/would've-been-more-productive-staring-at-the-paint-dry-on-the-proverbial-wall-that-I've-hit-in-terms-of-posting-material post....how....there really is no good way to bow gracefully out of this abysmal post. So I'll go crashing down the stairs fall on my face trippity dippity all the way to pressing publish.

Admist the heat-waves and the burn-a-hole-through-you sunshine, July 28th has turned out to be like an oasis in the desert. with it feeling like 20 degrees outside and only a high of about 26, today was supposed to be a great day.

Except I forgot one thing. And it wasn't my pants, because i'm hear sitting at work wearing pants. Thanks for asking. No matter how good the weather is outside, I still have to deal with the ttc. And leave it to the ttc to screw up a beautiful day.

The SECOND i stepped onto the subway today, I turned into a human popsicle. I even stuck my hand in my pocket (while the other one was giving a high five!) in an attempt to keep warm. Of course it didn't work.

The air conditioner was probably turned to the max + 10 at least. It was louder than the friggin subway travelling through the tunnels. And we all know how noisy a subway is when travelling at high speeds through tight tunnels. Its just physics. Actually I have no clue, I'm just making it up, but the point is, subway loud.

I almost felt like I was in one of those commercials where they set up an artificial wind machine (i believe its called a fan) and blow it in your face. I couldnt even lick the subway pole for fear of getting my tongue stuck to it.

Ew.

The trick is to take your mind off your body temperature when you're freezing/too hot. *Disclaimer: Shamless egotistical pompous statement coming up. I was both this morning. Thanks. So naturally I glanced around at the ads.

I focused in on a "Greyhound Bus" advertisment. They had printed two crosswords. One empty, one with one word filled in. And their catchphrase was "we're faster than you think". Seems clever at first, until you realize that if a person was only able to fill out one word in a crossword whenever they hopped onto a greyhound bus, it wasn't cuz the bus is fast, its because the person is an idiot. So the catchphrase should've been "you're dumber than you know". at which point i felt insulted, and was ready to go bananas. but luckily, thanks to the ttc's wonderful room temperature control, i chilled out.

I gave Game so much love on my blog for trashing fifty cent, and then he turns around and starts sucking. Lets take a look at the lyrics from his latest offering with r kelly, "playa's only". hey dofuses, you spelled "player's" wrong. dont even get me started on r kelly and how all his songs sound the same (i heard this song, started singing hotel and fiesta only to realize it was NEITHER...not that i know the lyrics to either hotel or fiesta...). I took the time to make some footnotes on where I've possibly heard some similar lyrics before.

*Disclaimer - Some slightly offensive lyrics may be below. Read with caution

I'm still fresh like uh impala uh
("Fresh like uh impala uh" - This is how we do)

Four times platinum hate it or love it I'm still number one
("Hate it or love" ... is the exact title of the song)

Compton uh Kelly found her in the slums
("Dre found me in the slums" - This is how we do)

Me and R been around the world and we'll give it to you just how u like it girl
("I'll give it to you just how u like it girl" - This is how we do)

The most retarded thing about the last line was that it was FIFTY CENTS' line...now correct me if i'm wrong, and that i am often, but i thought the whole point of making music was MAKING MUSIC. NOT RECYCLING YOUR OWN or SOMEONE ELSE'S MATERIAL.

Game your whole gimmick is getting old. Please start making real music instead of making beef. Please start writing your own rhymes. Please stop name/album name/song name dropping. Please stop saying "uuhh". It's what idiots say when they're trying to figure out how to answer the question "what is two plus two".



it's alright, let me help you out. its FOUR. seriously! its not brain surgery. altho i'd look into that...if you know what i'm saying. which you don't. cuz your stupid.

speaking of games, the tour de france 2005 was taken AGAIN by lance armstrong, the guy who started this crazy livestrong fad. now dont get all outraged that i just called the fantastic sport of bicycling a game, but seriously now, seven wins by lance is just ridiculous. in fact, he probably treats it like a game. i bet he could give only 109% and ride a unicycle and STILL win.

eye..tee..tee?
*buzzer*
double you..tee..eff

so i caught my brother watching the spelling bee on espn a couple weeks back (or is it months?). yes my brother is living my ideal summer...doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. but i digress.

i'm glad hockey is back because if i hafta see one more spelling bee on tv, i'm gonna hafta get all jack bauer yelling "WHO DO YOU WORK FOR!" before realizing that tv actually doesn't work for me...just viewers in general...so they have every right to put on spelling bees as long as people watch.

and i think if kids pulled more stunts like THIS then more people would watch. (seriously, click on this link and watch it...it'll be worth your time i promise, unlike some of my other links...seriously i ALMOST spit out the water i was drinking when i saw this, but unlike some other unfortunate individuals, i have superior control of my mouth)

over the weekend, a couple of us geniouses on my softball team figured out we could spell certain words with the numbers on our jerseys. take a look at what the two guys at the top of the lineup put together equaled (first person to guess which one is me wins):

that we are my friends, that we are.
and then for some reason, these jokers decided to put up their arms like they were being arrested. or i made them do it cuz hey i'm unofficial head coach when ralph is in hong kong, and as acting head coach i make sure things are done just the way ralph would do them. ... or the complete opposite haha.

feel free to laugh...out loud.

u know i tried it once, but in my humble opinion, it just wasn't as hype as pot.
i'm just kidding.

i'm talking about coca-cola, and for that matter pepsi as well. i don't like those two drinks. i used to drink them by the bucketload, but for the past few years those two drinks specifically don't sit right with me. they both seem to leave my teeth feeling like i just chewed on sand. it just aint right.

by the way, i hate it when i go to any social gathering where my only options are coke/pepsi. has the consideration for a fellow human being been tossed out the window? for craps sake, please have some sort of juice alternative or something. in fact its plain rude. its comparable to going into grade 6 music class and having to choose between the triangle and hitting two pieces of wood together to create what we so generously call "music".

don't even get me started on lime coke/pepsi. hey geniouses at coke/pepsi, trust me i've tried putting lime (and just about anything else i had at my disposal) to make your horrific drink taste better. nothing has worked. oh wait, putting a hole in the bottom of my cup has bettered my drinking experience. minus the coke/pepsi that gets on my clothes, but hey its better than getting that stuff in my mouth.

you know what?! i'm almost entirely convinced that soft drinks decay/erode your teeth. so when i encountered this sign, i just had to chuckle.



i just had a multi-million dollar idea. the ultimate product placement for the next superhero movie. the villian will be the evil doctor pepper, who has the super power to make your teeth decay exponentially to the point where all you can do is lie in the fetal position and writher in pain. no no...even better... its power is to rip your head off, turn it upside down and then say "SORRY TRY AGAIN".

speaking of horrible ads, this morning as i was riding the subway i looked up and saw "www.freechildren.com". the sign actually said "www.freethechildren.com", i just read it wrong cuz i'm so tired, at which point i exhaled a sigh of relief. turning my head ever so slightly to the right, i see "men for men" on another ad. this time, the sign actually did say "men for men". i quickly inhaled my sigh of relief back in and shuddered.

can the vines please report to the vineyard? pretty please with a cherry, no, strawberry/grape/orange on top of the quadruple chocolate sundae that i am drooling over right now? thanks.

most of you know him as the endearing (or ugly) mascot for subway. but today for the first time ever, i expose jared and the story of how he rose to fame.
*Disclaimer: I didn't make this up. Really! You know I don't play...and out of towners get got like everyday...and a gangster's a gangster in everyway...hey hey hey hey....smoke w**d everdyay

*Disclaimer on the Disclaimer: please don't smoke weed everyday. that'll cost you a fortune .. and its not good for you.

Jared used to be too fat to walk to McDonalds. One day, Jared got too large to fit into the bus, so he was forced to find a restaurant within 40 feet of his dorm room. He sat at the bus stop, crying his poor fat eyes out.Jared was hungry. But, Jared couldn't eat at Mc Donalds until he was able to fit on the bus.

When out of the corner of his eye, he saw a sign for the Subway.

"A Subway is bigger than a bus! I could take THAT to McDonalds."

So he slowly made his way to the Subway. When Jared got there, he found a magical store that carried bread, meat and three different varieties of cheese.

"This is my lucky day! I can just eat here."

The legend of Jared Fogel was born that day.

For now, Jared was able to shovel fast food into his mouth only 40 feet from his dorm. He didn't have to take a bus to McDonalds. He could eat Subway for every meal if he wanted to.

The strenuous exercise of walking across the street, coupled with his accidentally "healthy" choice of a turkey sub led Jared down the path to temporary weight loss.

Ignoring the fact that ANYONE who weighed nearly 500 pounds could lose weight by only eating two meals a day, and glossing over the fact that Jared is still one of the ugliest people in America, Subway was inspired by Jared's story. And now, he's coming to a commercial near you to tell you his tremendous story.

I need coffee.
I need lights.
I am absolutely the most dedicated summer student known to rogers.
I am gonna take a nap now.

(time of post 6:30am)

To the haters out there you better quit your yappin before I proceed to clappin. Who do you think are? Mike Jones? Who is Mike Jones? SERIOUSLY who the heck is Mike Jones? And can anyone tell me what he's saying on his song!?

So the United States is considering using daylight saving time from March to November, rather than the current April to October period. Why is it that people can go extend unimportant things like daylight savings time, but I can't seem to get an extension on due dates when I need one? Or why can't Matt Bonner get a contract extension? Oh cuz he sucks. I hope he gets an extended stay on the DL next year.

I need an extension on summer. And an extension cord. So I can cart my computer around the office place and fraternize with my fellow employees while still maintaining the appearance that I am working. That'd be so sweet, like sugar.

And I wish I could stop getting those nasty "extend a certain body part of yours" emails. Ugh. so inappropriate. I wonder if little kids get those in their email acounts... that would just be horrible.

with my vast amounts of experience (all 2 and a half months) and my i-could-close-my-eyes-and-still-kill-you-in-goldeneye-pistols-only-temple-with-one-hand-tied-behind-my-back-while-explaining-a-complex-mathematics-problem-over-the-phone familiarity with a certain program we use here at work, i was asked to conduct basic training with the new employee today.

turns out i'm one quality trainer - thorough, concise and efficient. what can i say? i'm good with computers. here i'll even help you, my technological inferiors (aka less nerdy than me). please read THIS PAGE. answers your question? glad to help.

speaking of technology, did you hear that Canada may be passing some legislation that may deem certain usages of google illegal? (read more here)
okay so lets get this straight, because right now its as crooked as a thief.
GAY MARRIAGE in Canada - legal
FILE SHARING in Canada - legal
SMOKING POT in Canada - on its way to being legal
Using Google to search for anything copyrighted- on its way to being ILLEGAL?

is anyone as confused as me? and another question. can someone please get me some pot NOW, because i have a feeling that will clear up the situation at least temporarily. just kidding. i dont need yours, i got my own already.

• i am horrible at bowling. i blame my chicken arms that get tired too fast.

• spotlights are uncomfortable because when shined at you, they make you instantly feel like you're a pig roasting in the oven.

• i had a deprived childhood, with regards to rollercoasters.

• old people are able to rock out, they just rock out differently...and it may seem odd, but i imagine that i'll be like that in 30 years playing john mayer or switchfoot when i'm old and gray and still believe i'm cool cuz i am cool...and if you don't think so, then SHUT THE F...ront door.

• that i'm still a pushover even after "working out" in the summer.

so my left arm sorta hurts. its okay eric king ho mok, i'm not mad at you. i'm just glad i'm not left handed.
Did you know that over 2500 left handed people are killed each year using products made for right handed people?

Serves them right.

I just got introduced to the new employee that's starting work here today. Here's how it went:
My Boss: "This is Casemia, our newest employee."
*eHrOn!?! was just ready to take a sip of his coffee, misses his mouth entirely and spills hot burning coffee onto his pants*
*Boss and new employee start laughing, eHrOn!?! does not laugh and tries to frantically wipe his mouth and his pants which THANKFULLY are waterproof*

and they say first impressions are everything.
well that was a quality "not-impress"-ion.

"happy friday"
it only happens 52 (maybe 53 if you're lucky) times a year. lets all throw a big party. i wont complain, free food is free food, no matter what day of the week.

casual fridays are also a great way to bring employee morale up. it makes me want to work that much harder when i'm in a t-shirt and jeans. oh wait, its 9:00am and i'm posting already. nevermind.

i wish i had one of THESE. one of the greatest inventions ever. why? beacuse if there's a fumbling fool who has a cup of hot coffee, they'll always be standing beside you. if there's a baby who's ready to give back to this great society of ours in the form of partially chewed food, you will be holding it. if there's a flying meatball coming from across the room, it will inevitably end up in your lap. that bird flying overhead? yup its gonna do its business all over your shoulder. or if you were just too stupid to check your t-shirt for stains before you wore it to work in the morning. i feel stupid.

What does Snoop Dogg use to clean his clothing?
Blee-atch.

after two hours of meetings, i've since lost my train of thought for this blog post, so it'll end right now.

there are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on.

its ABOUT TIME. you know, cuz THIS GUY was getting a little bored.

they're gonna be fiddling with the rules, like a fiddler would fiddle his fiddle on the roof. apparantly, a lot of other people want to do away with ties. i didn't know that many other people hated ties as much as i did. gosh, ties are probably the main reason i hate having to go to any "formal event". whenever i was wearing one, i felt so tied down (oh comeon that was so coming)

in related news, the leafs are screwed.

apparantly so are the raptors. they're two first round draft picks are ALREADY INJURED. a few months before the season starts. lets all give a collective standing ovation for the state of toronto sports teams!

*a pin drops on the floor...and echoes*

Bah, fiddle sticks.

Word of the day (WOTD): fiddle

although i have a feeling one of these days, this word will be all the craze.

jerktard (jûrktärd)
1. a word used to describe a person that has the characteristics of a jerk (see Adrian) and a retard (see me). a hybrid if you will, and you will.
2. see Kwan

so i havent been very funny/inspired the last few blog posts. what can i say, its like i'm a well run dry. i've hit the proverbial wall. i've hit the actual wall one too many times. the tank is empty. there's no more candy in the candy machine that is my brain. i've lost it and then someone found it and kept it for themselves (NOT MY MOJO... talking about my edge). i'm watching from a distance as the train leaves the station. i'm so stoned (just kidding). my cookie has crumbled into such an utter mess that i had to hire a french maid to go clean it up (???)

i think my drift has been caught.

my forced puns have come off like a person who can't walk good, LAME. and i think i know what's to BLAME. see, nothing has been the SAME. since the day they CAME, and took my breath away, i mean comics...comics away. (hey mike hope u enjoyed the nursery rhyme)

you see, a couple days ago, this free newspaper i like to pick up and peruse on my way to work, metro, declared that "this is the last day 'comics' will be run". now there was a comic strip that was titled 'comics', and it wasn't all that funny. so i assumed that it would be the one strip that would be removed. to my horror, i flip open the paper the next day and instead of any comics, i get CELEBRITY GOSSIP. just a little sad that our society today values insight into celebrity lives to be fulfilled instead of maybe a funny comic that will have them smiling for the rest of the day even though some idiot decides to not respect the every other urinal rule in the washroom. i digress.

Give me back my comics or else i'll hafta resort to posting not funny (but yet very ironic...isnt it? a little...too ironic? like an old man, perhaps 98, winning the lottery then dying the next day?) comics up on my blog. for example.

is not today unfortunately. see this is how the conversation with my new boss went:

boss: "so when will your last day be a****?"
me: "tomorrow."
boss and me at the same time: "hahahaha"
*awkward silence*
boss: "no seriously now, i just need to know."
*didnt have the heart to tell her i was being slightly serious*
me: "uhmm i'm thinking sometime in the middle of august"
boss: "so august 26th? okay! thanks!"
*boss runs away*
*me still a lil dazed from what just happened*

"roses are red, violets are blue...."
roses aren't necessarily always red. and violets aren't blue. they're VIOLET. if they were blue, they'd be called 'blues'. the next person i hear using that statement gets one blue eye and one violet eye courtesy of my fists.

BREAKING NEWS!

hey toronto star, how the heck is that breaking news? you had me all scared that i had caught sars or sth if i was on that flight. thats not funny toronto star. not funny at all. you know what, i'm gonna send them an email right now. i eagerly await any response.

case 1 (album covers):


case 2 (lyrics):
Mariah Carey - Like That: "It's like that y'all...da da da da it's like that y'all"
Memphis Bleek - Like That: "Tell me if its like that. Tell me if its like that"
Black Eyed Peas - Like That: "It's like that and a...It's like that and a"

can we get some originality? ahh who am I kidding. I love all these bands/songs. Just sometimes I wish artists would 'branch out', or something 'like that' (ha, ha). bands that go back to the same old sound that has worked before are generally gonna sell albums. but i try my best to respect artists that go out on a limb (ha), if you will (you will). i'm highly anticipating the switchfoot album, ... and kanye.

my nose is running. in unrelated news, it's also THIRTY DEGREES OUTDOORS. why do i feel like i have a COLD?!

there's nothing like waking up to the sound of someone else's alarm clock. wait, that's not true. that's the equivalent of someone putting a jackhammer right next to your face and then letting it rip. or listening to 50 cent.

let me just leave you with a few things.
first off, have a great weekend.
to all my electric guitarists out there (maybe even an electric violinist), i wish i could give you each a butt probe.



ahhh terrible

i must say, i think i've lost a particular posting yearning that has driven me through until this point. my posts seem to be losing more and more "uhmmmph" as time passes. the only remedy....MORE COWBELL.



oh my gosh, its even a feature in this program...thats just insane in the membrane.

shhh dont tell my boss. but i didnt pass THIS TEST.

i'm going to be fired.

The other day, I was in an elevator with 3 other people. As the doors started to close, a woman sprinted towards us yelling "wait!" I was closest to the control panel, so I started jabbing the "Open Door" button. But to no avail: the doors slid shut. Our last glimpse of the woman was of her running, reaching out, desperately trying to catch the edge of the door. I turned to the other people in the car and flashed them a "well, I tried!" smile.

As we started moving, I glanced down and noticed that I had been pressing the "Close Door" button by mistake. Afterall, it WAS 8:30 in the morning. A moment later it occurred to me that everyone in the elevator had watched me madly press the "Close Door" button as the woman had tried to get on board, and then grin about her failure to make it in time.

i'm going to be fired.

i'm absolutely bubbling, excuse me, buble-ing, after listening to this song

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

Michael Buble - Home

its 11:35am and..i already, want to go home.

don't judge a cd by its cover. give michael buble a chance. he reminds me of old school music that was so much more classy. actual love songs without talking about taking me to a candy shop or taking a ride on the magic stick, both of which are SO SO VERY WRONG and sound EXACTLY THE SAME. sorry, i forgot black music allusions just aren't understood by my readers besides a few select people. sorry. i was talking about this character named 50 cent. not michael buble. buble is white and very worth a listen.

... i had a whole schpeel here about london, written YESTERDAY, but because of stuff that has happened today, it has been deemed inappropriate. too bad, cuz they were wicked-clever jokes. so instead, let me ask you this. if you're from belgium, and your last name is waffle, does that make you... mmm

whats the difference between ignorance and apathy?
i dont know, and i dont care.
(go look up the words... then go click on my comments and compliment me)

London! jolly good! let the 7 year countdown commence! slightly ridiculous to celebrate so many years in advance you say? just a lil bit, but i won't poop on their parade today.

London beat out Paris for the games, and it came down to the wire. My theory, this is yet another ramification of the French not supporting the US in the Iraqi war.

Completely un-related? Maybe, but if I'm gonna change topics completely, I might as well try to blend them together in one giant melting pot of posting gloriousness.

So the war. Bush finally figured out a way to end it. Last night, he flicked on...the bat signal.

Meanwhile, crime is down in Toronto! Thanks batman.

How does batman go about combating crime so effectively and efficiently? with one of these:


he'll beat the crap out of you, then play same glass-shattering bass riffs just to rub it in your face. thats just sick.

speaking of guns, if you're completely bored and my blog just isn't doing it for you, go watch some girls play any first person shooter game. that'll keep you amused for the rest of the day.

you just deserve to be posted about...even if i already posted today.

NASA crashed a probe into a comet, all in the name of science and finding out stuff about other stuff. Everyone's happy. Except for THIS WOMAN

Seriously now. WHAT MORAL SUFFERINGS. and better question, how in the HECK does a case like this even make it to the courts. isnt there some sort of screening process?

i'm sorry, i promised to be nice...but this is just...its .. a slice of RIDICULOUS PIE. with a WTH cherry on top and GET A LIFE chocolate sauce drizzled on top to make for one scrumptious (is that how you spell it?) ... i dont know where i'm going with this. back to emailin i mean work.

-Show you the money
-Keep it real
-Talk to the hand
-Drop it like its hot
-Get jiggy with it
-Give mad props
-Take it or leave it
-Take it up a notch
-ROFL
-Quiero Taco Bell
-Open up a can of whoop-ass
-Be there or be square
-Eat my shorts
-Have a cow...man
-Vote or die
-Wake up and smell the coffee
-Bring it
-Not go there
-Do ANYTHING like its 1999
-Get on the ball
-Get a second opinion
-Think outside the box
-Take your word for it
-Give you a break
-Believe its not butter
-Oh, behave
-Use the force
-Smell ya later

so yes, the time of year for university students to frantically choose courses based not on what is necessarily the best for them, but on what courses their friends are taking.

and then there is the ever frustrating "lets all get online and register at the same time so we can slow the internet to a turtle, no, snail like pace while everyone continues to panic about not getting into the course they, i mean their friends, want."

and last but not least, a bio-med student who is neither fully a computing nor a life-sci student realizes that the course code assigned to him (phgy 214) is not listed under a pre-req for a course he wants to take. BUT phgy 210/212 IS a pre-req...but IT WAS THE SAME FRIGGIN COURSE. I SAT BESIDE THOSE DUDES IN 210/212. I EVEN FELL ASLEEP ON ONE OF THEIR SHOULDERS, AND COMPLAINED ABOUT THE SAME STUPID PROFESSORS. stupid phGAY 214 (get it...its a clever play on the course code...showing the gayness, no sorry... non-heterosexualness of the course, and actually the entire situation)

speaking of school, heres some advice for y'all. when the prof asks you to define 'matrix', say "The Matrix is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth." do it.

and last but not least, propsective students will quickly learn that the bell curve can either be their best friend, or worst nightmare.
especially if :